RESOLVE to Give Voice: My Story

Some of you may have followed my blog for awhile, while some of you are new. I'm taking a moment today to share my story for those of you who are new to the blog and have come here seeking comfort, advice, or a perspective from someone who truly understands your situation.  In honor of RESOLVE's efforts to raise awareness about infertility in October, it is perfect timing to reflect back on the last 5 years or so and tell my story from a different perspective.

I say 5 years, I guess it really started back in about 2008 although it didn't really become super difficult emotionally until around the end of 2009 when we really started wondering if something was wrong. We just weren't getting pregnant! That was the worst of times. We had been married for almost 3 years, and people started asking the dreaded question, "When are ya'll gonna have babies?!" Just like that. No sugar coating it. I, to this day, do not understand why people ask, so openly, such a personal question. But alas, people are complicated creatures.

Finally, we broke down and sought the help of a fertility specialist. Between our initial consultation with him and our first appointment to begin treatment, a miracle happened! We became pregnant on our own. That was December 2010. December. My favorite month. My favorite time of year. A month for children. It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

On December 23rd, after a day of Christmas Shopping with my Mom, I began to bleed. Being naïve, thinking there was something that could be done, Casey and I rushed to the ER. I remember the drive there and taking deep breath after deep breath to try to consciously calm my body. It amazes me, looking back, how I instinctively knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it in order to prevent my body from panicking. I didn't know it. But I was already a Mother. I always had been. If only I could have convinced myself of that over the course of the next 3 years. That night in the ER, we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the very first time. For a split second, it felt like a Christmas Miracle what we were seeing on that screen. The baby's heart was beating. It was fine. We were fine. I was sent home to rest and "see what happens." Over the course of the next 48 hours the bleeding and cramping worsened, and when I finally got in to see my Dr. the Monday following Christmas, the baby was gone. No heartbeat this time. Just a blank screen. He gave me Misoprostol to take to induce uterine contractions to "clean out" my uterus. I am thankful that no D&C was necessary, but will never forget the act of putting that tiny pill into my mouth. All the while, I was thinking, hoping, that there had been some mistake. And here I was taking a pill that could kill my baby. I stood in the shower and cried, and realized that I had to commit my first heartbreaking act of Motherhood and Just Let Go. I was devastated. And changed. Forever.

Over the course of the next three years, I suffered 2 more confirmed miscarriages (one that resulted from a fertility treatment), and I believe an additional one based on how my body felt, but there was never a confirmed pregnancy with that one. It was also in December, so who knows, I could have just been feeling echoes of my lost angel the December before. Those 3 years, I was at my lowest and, surprisingly, my highest moments in life. The lowest were low. I was angry. I hated every child and every pregnant woman. I isolated myself from friends and family to protect myself from any triggers or prying questions. I attacked people who didn't deserve it.

The high moments, though, those are the moments that I choose to focus on. During those 3 years, I grew more as a person, a human being, than I ever imagined possible. I learned about myself - that I was strong, resilient, kind, compassionate. That I chose my reaction to my situation and chose what I would do with it. I chose to help other people. I began talking openly about our struggles (maybe too openly at times). I wanted people to know that I was strong. And I was shocked by the number of people who opened up to me after I had told my story. I made lasting relationships with others as we bonded over our suffering. Suffering, I learned, is the ONE thing that makes us human and the ONE thing that glues us all together - if we choose to let it. That is when I started letting people - friends and family, enjoyment - laughter and happiness, and love - in my marriage and for all people, back into my life. Going into our IVF cycle in January of 2013, I was at my highest. I felt good about life and good about myself. I knew I was a Mother. A mother to all other people on Earth - just as every woman is because we are all born with love in our hearts. It is that love that causes us to Suffer and to Hurt, but it is also the one tool we have that can bring us out of the depths of despair.

Our IVF treatment worked. We were some of the lucky ones (I had many friends who weathered 3, 4, 5 cycles of IVF). We cautiously enjoyed our pregnancy and now call ourselves the blessed parents of a 9 month old (today!) little boy, Silas. He is forcing us to continue to grow as people and to change the way we identify ourselves from an infertile couple to parents. (That is a whole other blog post).

Being able to tell our story has been our saving grace. Looking beyond our own situation and seeing our suffering for what it was - a GIFT. A gift that allowed us to begin to look beyond ourselves and reach out to others in pain. It is my goal to continue to do this. To be a source of positive momentum in someone's life. People already have Hope inside them, even if they can't feel it from time to time, so I want to be a reminder of that everlasting Hope when they are hurting too badly to find it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Love yourself and love others. And you will be okay.

A Word of Hope for a Friend in Need

Although I wrote this to a specific friend, in writing it, I couldn't help but feel that it was directed at everyone I know who is suffering. Getting word from this friend today that she suffered an unsuccessful fertility treatment, starting her period one day before her blood test (life can be so cruel), I was immediately taken back to the times Casey and I suffered such a blow as hers and the devastation, hopelessness, and complete and utter sorrow that was all-consuming. I sent her this message but wanted to share it here as well. To anyone suffering from Infertility and feeling desperate, hopeless, and sad: I hope my words can be of some slight comfort to you. My heart is with you ....



I want you to know that my heart is with your heart right now. I can feel the devastation and hopelessness that you are feeling and wish beyond words that I could, in some small way, lessen the burden.



I know, because I have been in your shoes, that there is nothing anyone can say to you today that will make you feel better or less sad. And it is unfair to try to make you feel less sad. Feeling sad and crying is the most natural way to find relief from your pain, so cry all you need to. Please know that even though you are where you are and I am where I am, I am feeling your pain along with you. And I hope you can feel that in sharing your story and your pain with me, that your load is a little lighter.



You are a sweet, kind, caring and loving person, and I know the universe has beautiful things in store for you. It is part of being human to not be able to understand why things happen. I know you ask yourself why almost on a daily basis. I hope you find some answer to your question. When I was suffering miscarriage after miscarriage and having month after month with no results, there were people in my life who hoped for me because I felt like I had no hope left.



I want you to know that I am one of those people who will never ever lose hope for you. So even when you feel like you can't keep going and like you have nothing else to give. I'll be here to Hope for you and to lift you up and help carry you through this. I will cry with you, laugh with you, and celebrate with you WHEN the day comes. Our hearts are one in the same, love.



Take good care of yourself today and in the coming days. Do kind things for yourself.



Lots of love to you. I am always here.

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....