Long time no see .....

My goodness, it's been awhile since I've updated! I know some have been wondering and asking me to update.  There has just been so much going on that I haven't even known where to begin.

First off, I should say that Silas Daniel Schmidt was born on January 3rd, 2014 weighing 8 lbs 6 oz.  We feel so extremely blessed to have him here, and he is already changing our lives so much!

Studio Ainsley Photography

I really don't even know how to begin to write this post.  There is so much to say and very little of it can be captured in words.  It is absolutely unimaginable that the fear we lived with for 5 years that we would never have a child is gone.  We don't have to be afraid of that anymore.  Sometimes when I look at Silas I can't believe he is mine.  I look at him and it feels like he is someone else's child that I am borrowing.  My heart won't even let me fully feel that he is mine.  I think if it did it would just shatter into a million tiny pieces.  The reality of it is too much to come all at once.  It is coming little by little, and I think I am a little grateful for that because it has the potential to break me.

Silas's birth was completely surreal and still feels like a blur.  The one thing that remains clear from that day was the moment the Dr. gave him to me and we looked at each other for the first time.  This runs the risk of sounding like the most cliche statement of all time, but it is completely true.  When that child looked at me and I looked at him, his eyes were so very clear and focused.  It was like he looked right into the depth of my soul and recognized all that I was feeling.  I have always said that right when babies are born, it seems like they hold so much wisdom and know things that we, adults, have yet to learn.  I think we are born knowing the answers to those existential questions, and as we grow, we forget.  I saw those answers in his eyes, and it felt, just for a moment, like he was sent here to care for me rather than me for him.

The reason I am sharing this is because in my heart, I hold dear strangers and friends who I know are still suffering from infertility and my goal for this blog is still to give comfort and hope them.  While we were still trying to get pregnant, I comforted myself by thinking that our child was just still trying to find us.  And when I first saw Silas, I knew this was true.  He knew me.  And it seemed that he always had.  The satisfied look on his little face told me, "I finally found you.  And you me."

I never in my wildest dreams thought that when we started on our painful journey through infertility that we would have a chance to meet so many amazing people because of our struggles.  We have been blessed with so many friends, new and old, simply because of infertility.  We have formed bonds and relationships with complete strangers, and we have become closer to existing friends only because we shared similar desires, pain, and fears.  How can something that allows you to get to know people on a deep level and form lasting friendships, be a bad thing?  Even though the pain, sometimes, seems unbearable ... so many good things have come our of our struggle and I am so grateful for it.  Sometimes you just have no choice but to find the silver lining, and Casey and I were fortunate enough to find several silver linings!  If you are reading this, chances are you are one of them.  If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, please know that we share your pain and in sharing pain, the burden becomes just a tiny bit lighter.  If you are reading this and were a family member or friend who supported us through our journey to have Silas, please accept our absolute deepest thanks.  We can't even begin to use words to thank you.  That kind of thanks can only be spoken from one heart to another.

I want to continue this blog, but I do not want it to turn into a "parenting blog."  Although, I am relishing my time as a Mommy to Silas .... my purpose for this space is to uplift and support people who have and are feeling the familiar pain of wanting a baby.  I want this to be a place of solace and hope for them.  So that is what it will remain.  I will, of course, keep you updated on Silas, but my purpose will be provide hope and support.  To the couples I know currently still on their infertility journey, may your journey be blessed with understanding, patience, comfort and love from those around you.  You have it from me.... I hope you can feel it.

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Good Monday Morning, Folks!

With the arrival of Fall (my favorite time of year) comes the arrival of the THIRD TRIMESTER!!  How is it possible that only months ago, we had no idea if we were ever going to have children, and now we find ourselves nearing the END of this pregnancy!

Here is me and Silas at 27 weeks .... That red thing used to be a dress. :)

It is beyond belief for both of us, I think.

Casey has been hard at work on Silas's room.  He has ripped our carpet, stained the concrete floor, painted, and put up that wainscoting all on his own.  He doesn't know it, but I noticed a difference in the way he handled this project differently than any other home improvement project we've done.  He took painstaking time and effort to perfect this room.  It was so sweet to watch.  And he's done a wonderful job!  I can't believe we actually got to start on a nursery this time much less finish it and put a CRIB in there.  The sight of a crib, ready and waiting, at OUR house is beyond words.  We are so thankful for that sight.  Last night Casey told me, "Let's go in the baby room."  I said, "Ok" even though I had no idea what we'd do in there.  So we just stood there and looked around.  It was a moment.  It feels like Silas was always meant to be here.  To me, it doesn't feel like the arrival of a new person ... it feels more like the return of someone who was always supposed to be here and who we've missed so much!  I know he'll fit right into our family.

Here's a sneak peek of his room:

His room is such a peaceful place, and I hope he thinks so too.  A good friend, Kristi Scott, is working on some things for the room. and we cannot wait to see what her creative mind has come up with.  She has been such a supportive friend throughout our ordeal, and it'll mean so much to one day tell Silas his "Aunt Kristi" decorated his room. :)  

This week, we have two friends who had an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL egg retrieval and are now looking forward to another attempt at a transfer.  We are praying for them and their success!  I have another friend who is just beginning her Fertility Journey.  As I look back at ours and know the feelings they are feeling right now, I am sending them love directly from my heart and praying not that they have strength because they already do ... but that they RECOGNIZE the strength that they do have and go forward bravely, peacefully, and confident in the blessing it is to be female and have the ability to endure considerable pain while smiling their beautiful smiles to the world.  Somewhere our there.... those babies' souls are peacefully watching you and waiting for just the right time to take their rightful place in your families.  I'm thinking of you every day.  

I recently made a Lullaby Station on my Pandora so that I can put headphones on my tummy for Silas to hear.  One of my favorite songs that plays on there is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It speaks to the purpose of this blog post:  Bravery, Fear, Doubt, Relief, and the arrival of the One who was always meant to be there for you to love.  Please enjoy! 

 

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it.