IVF Injection Day 4 ..... No Time for Romance....

So tonight was an interesting spin on the whole "makin' a baby thang."  Here's the skinny.... Casey and I both have funky schedules.  He works nights, and occasionally, I have to work late ... tonight was one of those nights ....  Our injections have to be done between 7:00pm and 10:00pm.  I get off at 9:00pm with a half-hour drive home.  Casey generally has to be at work my 9:30.  You do the math. 

This presents a problem:   Because of my cursed squeamishness, there is no way on God's Green Earth I am giving myself an injection.  This would only result in the bloodflow to my brain coming to a complete stop, my legs becoming every shade of jello, and probably a concussion and/or broken extremity, so let's call a spade a spade ... I'm a complete wuss.  No question about it, Casey has to be here to give me my shot. 

Thank goodness for understanding Bosses.  Casey's agreed to let him come in a tad late so that he could be home to give me my shot.  So commence the fastest IVF injection E.V.E.R.  ... At the time this video was taken, I had been inside my home a total of 1 minute and 29 seconds ... only long enough to set down my purse...... 

No candles or Barry White tonight ....  Welcome to the In Vitro version of a Quickie.

IVF Injection Day 3 .... Let's Get it On .....

You know ... I've been thinkin' ....  They say not to put a mirror in your bedroom or have pictures of your parents in your bedroom because it is like bringing another person into the relationship ... if you know what I mean.  I think 'they' know what they're talking about because bringing a huge box of medication, some needles and alcohol swabs into the bedroom takes the 'Sexy' right out of making a baby :)  Just sayin'.  A Menage a Trois with good ole' Menopur and Bravelle.  Oh yeah.   

Anyway, this is our attempt at bringing sexy back .... tehe  ... Sing it, Barry!

IVF Injection Day 2 ... This is cake!

Well, by now we are old pros at this injection thing.  I thought I'd take the opportunity tonight to explain exactly what this process will entail. 

1.  Right now we are in Ovarian Stimulation Mode.... basically the meds are making my ovaries go into hyperdrive.  Sound painful?  Not yet.  : /  This will go on for about 10 days or so and we'll go in for regular bloodwork and ultrasounds (about every other day) to measure progress.

2.  Once the Dr. determines my eggs Done! (stick a fork in 'em) ... They will then give us the green light for the HCG shot, Ovidrel.  This triggers ovulation.  We have done this one before with our IUI cycle .... I was awake in the middle of the night that night in horrendous pain trying to get ahold of a 24 hour pharmacy to make sure this was normal ... LOL ... it was.  At least this time we know what to expect.  I ain't skeered ; )

3.  A couple days after the Ovidrel shot, we go in to retrieve my eggs.  Woohoo!  I will be under anesthesia and they'll basically go in with a long needle and pluck the eggs right out of my ovaries! (Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that I will NOT be awake during this). 

4.  Then the exciting part happens .... they will start fertilizing the eggs and let us know how many fertilize... we hope it's bunches .... Because of our history with recurrent miscarriage, they will be doing something a little different with our cycle .....

5.  Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis - They will be testing all of our embryos for chromosomal abnormalities.  If many of them are abnormal, this could give us some insight into why we have been losing pregnancies.  Any news will be better than the big, fat Nothing we've had to go on for the past two years!  :)  If any of the embryos are chromosomally normal and viable, we proceed to Step Six

6.  Embryonic Transfer - We will get to schedule this day and will keep it Top Secret.  This way, if we do end up getting pregnant, we can still have that element of surprise that NORMAL couples get to have when announcing pregnancy.  Not many people have to share the intimate details of  how they conceived their child, so they get to surprise their families with the news that they are expecting.  We feel that it is important to share what we are doing with our families and friends, but still want to be able to surprise everyone when we get good news!! Oh Happy Day!

7.  If in fact, the Dr.'s find that none of our embryos are viable, we will move on to using Donor Eggs.

Either way ... we are WELL on our way to having the children that we love and want so badly.  I hope this post answers some questions about what exactly IVF is and what we are in store for in the next month or so.  We want this blog to serve as a place for information so that we do not feel pressure to answer questions, talk about things during difficult times, etc.  We are so happy that you are reading this.  One of my personal wishes, too, is that this blog might serve the purpose of so many blogs I have read over the course of our fertility challenges.... and that is to encourage and support others in the same situation.  If this is you, please know that you are not alone, that others do understand what you are going through, and that you can and will get through this.  You are STRONGER than you believe, BRAVER that you seem, and SMARTER than you think.

All my love,
Ash 

The Beginning of our New Beginning ... IVF Injection Day 1

So my last post was about our Christmas Cruise.  Another reason we took that cruise was because of our plan to begin our first IVF cycle after the first of the year.  I am so thankful for the peaceful feeling I returned home with as this was a perfect mindset with which to tackle this very trying, stressful, and overwhelming process. 

If I have learned one thing over the course of our fertility struggles (I refuse to use the word 'infertility')  ... If I have learned one thing, it is the importance of laughing at things.  I have always been a rather serious person.  I was always taught to see the beauty in things and to pay attention, so I guess I translated that into thinking I needed to be uber-serious about everything. 

So I'm turning over a new leaf and teaching myself to see the humor in life's trials and tribulations ... and boy is there some humor in this IVF stuff!!

In order to remind myself to laugh my way through this, I told Casey I wanted to make a video diary of our cycle.  We won't bore you with the mundane videos of every second, but I do want to attempt to keep my camera with me and whip it out when something gets funny ... Let's face it there is obviously enough humor in Needles, Sperm, Hormones, and Suppositories to last a lifetime, so I'm gonna give you a little taste of it here by posting my video diary.  Hopefully I can figure out how to do this ...

So here is a video of our first round of injections.  Readers, meet In Vitro Fertilization in all its Glory!  Enjoy!

End of the World and a New Beginning

Most of you may know that Casey and I went on a Christmas Cruise this year to Honduras, Belize and Cozumel.  This cruise was our attempt to make a new Christmas tradition that was happy and fun and something to look forward to after the last two sad, lonely Christmases. 

This cruise turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made.  We met some of the most lovely people, and made memories that will last a lifetime.  Out of all of the places we visited, our most favorite was Belize.  We were in Belize on December 20, 2012 ... The Day Before The End of the World.  We thought this would be a cool opportunity to visit Mayan Ruins, but we had no idea how magical the day would be for us. 

Belize is a beautiful and friendly country with a diverse population of life-loving, simplistic, and appreciative people.  We had the great pleasure of spending the day with an authentic Belizean Mayan, Amalia.  She was our tourguide to the ruins, and shared so many beautiful things about her culture and her country.  I can't really explain the quiet, peaceful, magical feeling I had during my visit to those Mayan Ruins, but I knew immediately it was a special place and had to take something from there. 

After touring the ruins and climbing to the very top, we visited the little shops where some of the locals were selling items.  We were looking at different things when all of a sudden Casey blurts out to the woman at the table, "Do you have a statue of a fertility God?"  My head shot up and I looked at him thinking wtf??  Ha ha .....  The woman didn't even flinch.  She said, "Oh yes, those are over at that other shop."  Then she turns and shouts for Andre!  Andre, a nine year old Belizean boy with the biggest toothy smile you've ever seen comes running over.  She tells him in the local dialect what we need, and he walks right up to me, takes my hand, and says I'm going to take you to get your Ixchel (The Mayan Fertility Goddess).  Yanking my hand, he practically takes off running and before I know it, I am running full speed ahead across the Mayan plaza trying to keep up with this lovely, energetic young boy.  Once we reach the shop he picks up two little statues representing Ixchel.  "These are the only two we have left, which one would you like?"  Ummmmm......  "Well, Andre, which one do you think I should have?"  Of course he picks the most colorful one.  The opposite of the one I would have usually picked, but because this wonderful little angel picked it out, I handed him the ten dollars, thanked him and we were on our way.  Ixchel sits atop our bookcase in all her Mayan glory .... 

This visit sounds somewhat normal; however, I don't know if it was my imagination, my strong desire for change, or superstition, but ever since I left Belize, I have had a sense of peace.  A sense of well-being like something deep inside myself and completely outside of myself telling me that everything is going to be okay.  I have felt lighter, more open, like I have more love in my heart.  I don't know what this means but Belize will always have a place in my heart because of Amalia, Andre, and Ixchel. 

Being receptive ......

I think I have mentioned before that ever since we returned from our cruise in July, I have had wanderlust.  I have tried to fulfill that yearning for travel by reading Travel Biographies and watching movies where the characters travel to other countries.  Reading "Man Seeks God;" Watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and "Eat, Pray, Love."  I have read or heard somewhere that imagining living a certain experience is almost as or maybe more fulfilling than actually living the experience.  I agree with that.  Sitting still and imagining it allows you to really hear, see, smell, and taste all of the things that you might miss while being concerned with your bad hair day, the blisters on your feet, or your increasingly burning skin from the brightness of the sun.  Maybe this is what meditation is all about.  Experiencing without experiencing so that you may experience more fully. 

Speaking of meditation and "Eat, Pray, Love."  This morning during my weekly, Sunday morning movie time with Bella and coffee, we watched that movie.  I know that in the movie and book and real life ... Liz Gilbert was going through a divorce and made the decision to do so herself.  Some may say that she didn't deserve to be miserable or to be able to leave her life and explore the world the way she did.  Some may call her selfish.  Who says it is selfish to acknowledge some of the most difficult, unpleasant things about yourself and take the time to reconcile those things.  To better them.  Now don't start thinking, "Oh Ashley's gone off the deep end! She wants to leave her life and run away."  No.   Actually, while watching Julia Roberts as Liz Gilbert, find herself, I started thinking about how much I have to be grateful for.  Of course, I've always known this, but sometimes things just become very clear in your mind and you are able to just sit quietly and really feel the gratitude and happiness at what you are blessed with in your life.  I started thinking ...."I have Love.  I have Casey.  It almost hurts too much to think about what having Casey in my life means." 

My sister recently posed the question to me, "Ash, sometimes do you feel like you're afraid to be too happy?  Like you're afraid you don't deserve it, so when you start to feel it, you do something to mess it up?  You start a fight or think about something that makes you unhappy so that you don't have to actually open up and feel that happy?"  Wow.  It is true.  Lately, if I allow myself, I have these moments of brief clariy during which I feel overcome through my whole body with peace and contentedness.  Immediately, though, my mind .... my mind ... diverts itself to thinking about the baby situation, and I surprise myself by almost feeling relieved at the small presence of discontent that brings me back down to reality.  And then follows disappointment at the fleeting nature of happiness. 

Recently, I have read so many things that I am not sure where I read this but somewhere I read or heard that for things to come to you, you must be receptive.  During those fleeting moments of clarity and contentedness, I feel receptive.  My body relaxes, and I feel myself open up.  I felt this way during the 2 hours it took me to watch Eat Pray Love this morning.  Perhaps because at that moment I was not living Ashley's life.  I was living Liz Gilbert's, and I felt permission from myself to be receptive   for her sake.  Are we taught this?  That to think about ourselves and to be receptive to what we really want is selfish, so we learn to block those things.  We are miserable because we cannot have what we want, but we feel that we are good people because we are sacrificing our own happiness for others. 

Maybe this is the problem.  Maybe I am so afraid to have children because I am afraid of the amount of Love I will feel.  A friend recently said to me, "From the outside your life looks perfect."  That statement made me uneasy because when she said it, my immediate feeling was defensiveness and I wanted to say, "It is."  But then I thought, "Wait! You can't say that because you are the one who thinks it isn't!"  Talk about feeling confused.  Not to mention that I would never say to someone, "My life is perfect" because I have been taught to believe that sounds haughty and self-centered.  But really, what is wrong with saying, "My life is good.  There are things I have and things I don't have.  But it is perfect in it's imperfection."  There is always someone who is in a less perfect situation, so doesn't it make us a little ungrateful to dwell in what we feel is missing from our lives while others suffer greater deficiencies and still find it in themselves to feel happy? 

If all I am missing in my life is children ... and even that is only missing at this moment.  Up until about 3 years ago, I never felt like children were missing.  I only started feeling like they were missing when people started asking me when we'd have babies.  So then we started trying.  Then I lost the first one ... this is where the real feeling of something missing began.  Ever since then, I have been unable to focus on anything except what I feel is missing.  In Eat Pray Love, Ketut, a medicine man from Bali, scolds Liz for breaking things off with a wonderful Brazilian man she meets while in Bali.  She explains that she did it because while in Love she can't maintain her balance.  I think I can relate to that.  Feeling too much Love and Gratitude makes me feel unbalanced or afraid.  Ketut says to her, "Sometimes losing balance in Love is part of living a balanced Life."  Maybe being receptive is just a state of feeling unbalanced for a time so that the real balance can make it's way into your life. 

In Life, I see everything as a sign.  If you can't tell by reading this blog, I see something in everything.  I can analyze a piece of lettuce as holding the meaning to life if you give me the time to think and write about it.  (Probably I need to find some balance in that aspect of my life.  I have a feeling Ketut would laugh and say, Ashley, part of living a balanced life is just shutting up and eating your food.)  Anyway, after sitting quietly through the credits of Eat Pray Love, I turn the DVD off only to see the image of Joel Osteen preaching his Sunday morning Sermon on television.  I won't lie.  I'm a fan of Mr. Osteen.  I believe he believes.  I believe he cares about people and sees himself as a human being that may be able to help others.  As I turned the DVD off still a little lost in thought about what I had gathered from the movie, specifically, I need to be receptive... I hear Mr. Osteen's voice telling me to, "trust in God as Mary trusted in Him when he told her she would have a child without knowing a man."  I immediately stopped in my tracks and sat down on the edge of the coffee table about 1 foot from the television screen to hear what Joel had to say. 

He went on to say that we shouldn't look at our situation as something we have to control and analyze.  We should simply do as Mary did, and say, "I don't see any way this is possible any more, but I'm gonna trust You."  I liked this.  He didn't tell me, "Don't lose Hope.  Have Faith."  He acknowledged that sometimes your situation is just greater than all that.  That Hope and Faith are sometimes even too far out of reach.  To be receptive at that point, you have to just be honest with yourself and with God and say, "I don't see any way this is possible anymore in this physical world, so all I have left is You."  This, after hearing the Hindi belief that "God exists in You as You."  So when you tell God that all you have left is Him and he is You, then you are only left to trust your "self" to do what it already knows how to do.  This is so empowering.  Whew.  Now I must go find my balance.  Grocery shopping and house cleaning it is. 

Seylah!   

Adventures of Balloon Boy: A Buddhist Tale

Okay, so remember a couple of years ago when it was reported on the news that that kid was floating high in the sky in that balloon or blimp or whatever?  And then it turned out that it was all an elaborate hoax forged by his parents in hopes of attaining a spot on a reality show?  Read the full story here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balloon_boy_hoax.  Well, this story has somehow made it's way into Man Seeks God as a spiritual lesson.  Oh Eric Weiner, you are brilliant!

Buddhism, being a religion founded on experience rather than faith or belief, is a religion of "letting go," according to Weiner, and is based on the idea that all is suffering.  At first glance, this sounds incredibly negative and depressing; however, using the balloon boy story, Weiner illustrates how although all is suffering, this same suffering is an illusion.  Everything in our life is a dream, thus, we have no reason to be sad, angry, happy, or excited.  We should just be.  Don't be happy or excited, you might say?  But what's the point?  Well, the point is to maintain the self, as it is, in a peaceful state on a calm trajectory toward enlightenment. 

Of the balloon boy, Weiner says,

"People worried about the sweet little boy, they cried tears, they suffered, The emotions were genuine but the situation was not; it was an illusion.  Balloon Boy was never in danger.  Is life like that, I wonder - an elaborate hoax?  Are we all Balloon Boy?"

As strange as it might seem, this is actually very comforting to me.  To believe that the sadness, grief, anger, hope, happiness, and return to sadness I have felt over this whole ordeal is just an illusion.  This infertility only exists as some sort of dream state, and my emotions are genuine but not necessary because the situation does not exist.  This sounds vaguely like denial; however, with all due respect, I think I have reached a point way beyond denial.  So thinking about my situation this way, may just give me the room I need to detach from it to move on with my life.  I wonder if Eric Weiner knows he wrote a book about fertility?  :)