"I could see Peace instead of this"

"I could see Peace instead of this." 

How empowering?  I, not you nor he nor she, but I have the power to see Peace.  No one else is even mentioned.  It's funny how throughout our lives we are conditioned to worry with everyone around us.  The Golden Rule teaches us to do unto others, and I agree.  But, I think there should be a Silver Rule that teaches us to "Do Unto Ourselves as we would do unto others."  The importance of loving, forgiving, caring for and nurturing ourselves is greatly undervalued and oftentimes deemed as selfishness.  There is not a fine line but a gaping canyon between selfishness and self-love.  The same inspirational books that teach us to do unto others, in the same breath, tell us to love ourselves before we can love someone else.  The latter; however, is seen as cliche and its importance not really understood until one has reached a point of self-loathing where Life is interrupted, relationships are strained, and Happiness is a far off island reserved for those more deserving of a tropical vacation.

"This" is just a simple pronoun not referring to anything in particular.  Not capitalized to stand out.  Not even italicized or bolded or separated by any sort of emphasizing punctuation.  Just 'this.'  next to Peace it looks unimportant, plain, and even undeserving of any special attention.  Peace sits proudly in the middle, capitalized and beautiful.  It is the word that draws your attention and commands respect.  It is a lighthouse, a beacon guiding the reader to the calm shore of recognition.  I can have Peace.  I don't have to have Fear, Anger, Sadness, Guilt, Punishment .... but I can have Peace.  I have permission - to feel calm, to let go, to move forward.  I have permission and I have given it to myself.  That, perhaps, is the most important thing.  It is up to me and no one else to allow myself to see Peace instead of this - this sorrow, this anger, this guilt, this self-loathing.  I can love myself enough to forgive me of all I feel I've done wrong and in doing so I can do the same unto others.

Angels among us ...

I have to share this story, as it has greatly impacted my whole day and probably my whole life. 

Today I had to run by the Dr's office on the way into work to have bloodwork done.  The Dr. has to track my HCG levels all the way back down to zero to make sure the miscarriage is complete.  It is fairly uncomfortable being in that Dr.'s office and seeing all the pregnant families and new born babies.  Actually, that's an understatement ... it's downright upsetting.  I had to wait for awhile b/c they couldn't find my paperwork, so I was in the waiting room longer than I would have liked. 

Finally when I got up to the lab to have my bloodwork, I was pretty upset and trying not to cry.  The lady taking my blood noticed my sniffling and asked if I was coming down with something.  I told her no.  She must have looked at my paperwork and put 2 and 2 together because after she finished, she stood in front of me and said, "Ashley, it's going to come again."  I was caught completely off guard and burst into tears once I realized what she was talking about.  She walked over to shut the door to give us some privacy, and she told me that she had been in my situation before and she understood how I felt.  She said that my emotions will only make me stronger.  She hugged me, and made me feel like I was in the arms of my own mother. 

Only another woman could recognize such a deep pain in another woman, and be brave enough to embrace her without fear of rebuke.  I'd like to say that more people should be like this woman, but what I really NEED to say is that people like this are there.  They are complete strangers walking down the street, and they do understand.  They are kind.  I do not feel that it was coincidence that this lady was in my path.  I think she was placed there.  On purpose.  To make sure I knew that my day could still be as good as it started.  And to allow me to go on with my day striving to bless someone's day as she blessed mine.  I left that office, completely in awe of the raw kindness of people and determined to help someone feel as special and as protected as I felt when she took time to comfort me.  She didn't have to do it, but she did anyway, and that means the world to me. 

I am in a position in life, with my job, to touch someone's life when they are in need like this lady touched mine.  And that is what I'm taking away from this.  Each person who walks in may be going through something life altering and they are just struggling to mask their emotions.  I want to be the person who makes them feel not so alone.  I want to be an Angel among us .....

When Hope Returns

Every now and again, Hope returns.  At times, Hope introduces herself and stays for a lengthy visit entertaining my heart, having a glass of wine until the laughter and fermented juice begin to cloud our brains.  But like all good visits with cherished friends, She must leave until another day. 

Sometimes Her visits are fleeting.  A quick, "Just wanted to drop in a say hello and remind you that I'm still here."  These visits are, perhaps the most valuable because it is so easy to lose sight of Her when Fear and Despair are your constant companions.

So, like any annoying acquaintance, I struggle to hold those two unwanted visitors at bay and just wait .... wait until Hope returns.

I am a torrential storm of strength

So much sadness.  My heart is broken into tiny fragments that stab and pierce each other until the pain is unbearable.  How does the organ that is the symbolic epitome of love make you feel such hatred when it is broken?  I have cried all the tears I can cry. The deep well of my soul has run dry, and with the drought, the earth of my being is cracked and barren; an angry dust storm of emotions.  (Is this why anger is a secondary emotion to sadness?  When it lacks rain to keep it moist and calm, the earth rebels by killing off all life leaving us with no food to satiate our hunger.  And so the soul, without tears to soothe our aching heart, dries up and becomes bitter and hateful). 

The loss is excrutiating.  How can a space so small feel as empty as the sky?  There is emptiness, and then there is the blackest depth, beyond all reach that another lifetime couldn't fill.  It is jumping off a cliff into a rumbling, foaming sea and continuing to fall until the rumbling ceases.  Stillness.  Dark.  Bottom.  Then delving off that deepest of depths like an underwater cliff diver except without the courage.  And just falling - in a continuous plummet because there is no bottom this time.  Just an eternal suspension in an infinite hole.  

The injustice is cruel.  In a world where right is wrong and wrong is right; bad is rewarded and good is punished to the highest degree.  And everything that follows the injustice seems like a prank being pulled by the 'man behind the curtain.'  You are not supposed to pay attention to him, but you really want to take his ropes and quickly, frantically form a noose.  A noose with which you can provide swift justice.  The correct kind of justice.  The kind in which bad people suffer and good people are showered with the gift of their every wish and desire - reasonable and unreasonable alike.   

The betrayal is unforgivable.  Words said and thoughtlessness can never be taken back.  Not when a hurt is this deep. 

The envy is sweet in its all self inflicted, sadistic glory.  Is it a test of my own will to do this?  To subject myself to situations I know will make me uncomfortable.  Is it because I think I deserved to be punished?  Or is it similar to the reasons we watch horror movies, we like the adrenaline rush and the feeling of relief once it's over?  Perhaps, I think it proves my strength - to whom? - to myself, I suppose.    

A Christmas Angel

Well, it's been a long time since I've last posted.  The reason is that we finally got good news!!! We found out we were pregnant on December 2, 2010.  The sheer relief and joy we felt was indescribable.  I'll never forget telling Casey that we were pregnant, the happiness on his face and the sound that escaped his throat as he cried with relief into my neck.  We had finally done it!!! 

Only three very short weeks later we lost our baby ... only 2 days before Christmas.  The loss is infinite.

For four days we held out hope that our sweet baby was hanging on.  We got to see it's incredible heartbeat twice!  The first time was on Christmas Eve, and we felt so lucky that we got that magical moment on such a magical night.  We had hope and only hope that we could hang on to our little one and boy did we try.  But on Monday, the day we turned 7 weeks, as I stood in the shower talking to God, trying to make him a deal, I realized that it was just time to let go.  My first lesson in parenthood, I suppose. 

Our wonderful friends and family continue to remind us that this was God's way of taking the baby, now, from a life that may have been less than ideal.  I don't know what our sweet angel would have been like had he or she been born.  Had it been born it wouldn't have mattered to me.  It would have been so loved.  However, I have to have faith that God knew what He was doing when he took our baby. 

I can't begin to describe the sadness and emptiness I feel at times.  Although there was never the noisy pitter patter of little feet in our home, the house feels quieter, emptier now.  There's a stillness that I can't quite place.  There's that lingering question of what our baby would have looked like?  Would it have been a girl or boy?  What would it have become? 

I see pictures of ultrasounds, and I feel cheated because on the day we were first supposed to see our baby and take home it's picture to show our families and friends, we found out the baby was gone.  A picture was printed out, but we didn't get one because it was just of an empty womb.  Why couldn't we have just one picture of that incredible little flicker?  Why couldn't our baby grow to be as big as the ones in other peoples' ultrasounds?  Why didn't we get the opportunity to feel our baby grow strong and kick it's tiny legs. 

We hope that one day we will.  We feel sure that God could not deny us that very special feeling of seeing and feeling our baby grow inside my belly.  We feel sure that while children are born every day into cruel environments to parents who don't love and cherish them to way they should, God could not deny us the chance to love and cherish our very own sweet baby.  For these reasons, we hope.  And Hope alone, is all we have this Christmas.  That and knowing that our baby became an Angel to watch over us during a very special time of year.  Probably not a year will close without us remembering that beautiful little flicker and the joy it brought to our hearts, if only for a moment. 

 

Pomegranates ... the Fruit of Life?

Have you ever seen a more beautiful fruit in your life?  The Pomegranate has been a symbol of female-ness and womanhood since Biblical days (and probably even before then).  The beautifully colored fruit, so perfect and whole hides a secret of hundreds of tiny seeds rich and fulfilling to taste. 

I had never had one before.  The grocery store had them on sale this week, and in my quest to discover the reason behind the mystery of being a woman, I figured ... What the heck?  Maybe by partaking in this beautiful likeness, I will find some solace.  Maybe it's the hype, but this is the most delicious and wonderful fruit I've ever tasted.  I find myself taking a spoonful of seeds and closing my eyes while the juice is released from every tiny capsule individually.  The flood is divine.  The earthy crunch that follows (because yes I eat them, seed and all) makes me feel like I am consuming my missing link to the physical world. 

Maybe I'm desperate ... Or maybe I'm crazy... but I'm determined to get back to what the women of old had in their connection to the earth, the moon.  I am hungrily seeking that answer to what my body lacks.  This marvelous fruit makes me feel full, satisfied, and female.  Publicly, I would never reveal by strange fascination with this scarlet beauty, but here (where it's just you and me) I feel safe in confiding my new love.  :)

Women who work together ... feel together

Of late, it seems that I've been noticing a strange pattern among the women that I spend so much time with during the week.  These women are 5 of the kindest, most beautiful and considerate women I've ever met in my life.  We all have become extremely close since beginning our work together in January.  The last 11 months have probably been some of the most enjoyable, happiest months I've had in a very long time.  Coming in to work to see these ladies each day is a blessing and an honor. 

Lately, it seems as though we've developed some sort of strange sympathetic alignment.  I can't think of what else to call it.  None of us come to work and treat each other badly, so the cliche 'misery loves company' does not really apply.  It's deeper than that it seems.  It's less of a spoken thing and more of an alignment of emotions.  When one of us is down, the other 5 seem to be experiencing the same feeling. 

We all have so many things in common, the most prevalent being the fact that we each strive to do a good job and want to please.  It is amazing how each one of us takes such full responsibilty for everything we do that the idea that we've hurt, let down, or disappointed one of our coworkers is unbearable and will likely bring us to tears.  We certainly do not work in a world of 'stepping on you to get to the top.'  Nope, we all feel that when (when not if) ... when we get to the top, we will all have done it together and will stand there congratulating each other and making sure credit is given to the other 5.  Could it be true that real teamwork still exists?

Anyway, with all that's been going on, I count my blessings everyday that I have such a loving, warm environment to go to when I trudge into work on Monday morning.  The certainty that work will uplift me, even when I'm lower than down is a surreal feeling.  To all my sweet, sweet ladies that I work with, I love you each dearly and truly feel that our being brought together was done so by a force much greater than us so that we can support eachother by knowing that we are all (scarily) alike.  Our compassion and kindness will get us far (even when it doesn't seem like it, I believe this). 

At such a time in my life, when I'm beginning to realize how important it is to surround yourself with intelligent, professional, kind, loving, compassionate women, I realize how lucky I am to have one a place next to these 5.  They are teaching me every day that I am valuable.  That I am worthy.  That I should stand up for myself.  And that I am perfectly imperfect and that's okay.