I haven't posted in a few months primarily because I have been trying to focus on healing and positivity instead of dwelling in the past and reliving our difficult situation.
I have begun having acupuncture treatments. I am on my 10th week of acupuncture, and I am amazed at how much better I feel! Almost immediately, the acupuncture relieved my stress and anxiety. I am practicing breathing techniques to bring peace to my body and allow me to handle emotions or difficult situations naturally. Although I sometimes feel sad and down at the prospect of not having gotten pregnant again, for the most part I feel positive and peaceful. The anger that surged in me even mere months ago, has mostly subsided, and I am able to see my situation with a whole new outlook.
As a matter of fact, the reason I even came back to this blog today was because I was reading my acupuncturist's blog and it made me think of adding to mine.
I wanted to reflect on where I am now as opposed to where I was a year ago just to illustrate how much I have grown. A year ago on this exact day, I found out I was pregnant. (I didn't even realize the date until just now when I looked at the calendar.... what does that say about the body's echo and being cognizant of the timing of things without you even realizing it?) If I look at that day honestly, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I was terrified and completely uncertain. Of course I was excited, and no, I do not think my fear was the reason I lost the baby. However, when I look at myself now, my confidence in my ability to be a Mother and to overcome my own habits and shortcomings has skyrocketed.
At this point last year, I was so unsure of myself and blamed myself for everything that was happening. I told myself that it was my fault I wasn't getting pregnant, and then I allowed myself to believe that I lost the baby because I didn't deserve to have one. I know now, just one short year later, that I do deserve a baby, and that I would be the best mother. I can visualize myself loving the baby, and making a comfortable environment for it in my body and in my home.
My relationship with Casey has also changed dramatically. Of course we still bicker like husbands and wives will do, but I am more secure in his love for me and desire to be with me and create a family than ever before. I am thankful that I have had him to go through this journey with because of his sensitivity and eagerness for me to be happy. He has never failed to be understanding, and I do know that not many men would have remained so solid in the same situation.
I have learned so much about my emotions and allowing myself to feel them. I have learned how to empathize on an entirely new level. I have learned how to communicate my feelings and thoughts in a more productive way. I have learned how to organize my thoughts and prioritize my tasks to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed. I have learned the necessity of putting a situation in perspective and the importance of that when it comes to taking care of my body.
A year ago I was asking myself why, and I am so thankful to be able to write this blog as an answer to that question. I wonder what question I can pose to myself now to create an answer to this time next year?
