RESOLVE to Give Voice: My Story

Some of you may have followed my blog for awhile, while some of you are new. I'm taking a moment today to share my story for those of you who are new to the blog and have come here seeking comfort, advice, or a perspective from someone who truly understands your situation.  In honor of RESOLVE's efforts to raise awareness about infertility in October, it is perfect timing to reflect back on the last 5 years or so and tell my story from a different perspective.

I say 5 years, I guess it really started back in about 2008 although it didn't really become super difficult emotionally until around the end of 2009 when we really started wondering if something was wrong. We just weren't getting pregnant! That was the worst of times. We had been married for almost 3 years, and people started asking the dreaded question, "When are ya'll gonna have babies?!" Just like that. No sugar coating it. I, to this day, do not understand why people ask, so openly, such a personal question. But alas, people are complicated creatures.

Finally, we broke down and sought the help of a fertility specialist. Between our initial consultation with him and our first appointment to begin treatment, a miracle happened! We became pregnant on our own. That was December 2010. December. My favorite month. My favorite time of year. A month for children. It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

On December 23rd, after a day of Christmas Shopping with my Mom, I began to bleed. Being naïve, thinking there was something that could be done, Casey and I rushed to the ER. I remember the drive there and taking deep breath after deep breath to try to consciously calm my body. It amazes me, looking back, how I instinctively knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it in order to prevent my body from panicking. I didn't know it. But I was already a Mother. I always had been. If only I could have convinced myself of that over the course of the next 3 years. That night in the ER, we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the very first time. For a split second, it felt like a Christmas Miracle what we were seeing on that screen. The baby's heart was beating. It was fine. We were fine. I was sent home to rest and "see what happens." Over the course of the next 48 hours the bleeding and cramping worsened, and when I finally got in to see my Dr. the Monday following Christmas, the baby was gone. No heartbeat this time. Just a blank screen. He gave me Misoprostol to take to induce uterine contractions to "clean out" my uterus. I am thankful that no D&C was necessary, but will never forget the act of putting that tiny pill into my mouth. All the while, I was thinking, hoping, that there had been some mistake. And here I was taking a pill that could kill my baby. I stood in the shower and cried, and realized that I had to commit my first heartbreaking act of Motherhood and Just Let Go. I was devastated. And changed. Forever.

Over the course of the next three years, I suffered 2 more confirmed miscarriages (one that resulted from a fertility treatment), and I believe an additional one based on how my body felt, but there was never a confirmed pregnancy with that one. It was also in December, so who knows, I could have just been feeling echoes of my lost angel the December before. Those 3 years, I was at my lowest and, surprisingly, my highest moments in life. The lowest were low. I was angry. I hated every child and every pregnant woman. I isolated myself from friends and family to protect myself from any triggers or prying questions. I attacked people who didn't deserve it.

The high moments, though, those are the moments that I choose to focus on. During those 3 years, I grew more as a person, a human being, than I ever imagined possible. I learned about myself - that I was strong, resilient, kind, compassionate. That I chose my reaction to my situation and chose what I would do with it. I chose to help other people. I began talking openly about our struggles (maybe too openly at times). I wanted people to know that I was strong. And I was shocked by the number of people who opened up to me after I had told my story. I made lasting relationships with others as we bonded over our suffering. Suffering, I learned, is the ONE thing that makes us human and the ONE thing that glues us all together - if we choose to let it. That is when I started letting people - friends and family, enjoyment - laughter and happiness, and love - in my marriage and for all people, back into my life. Going into our IVF cycle in January of 2013, I was at my highest. I felt good about life and good about myself. I knew I was a Mother. A mother to all other people on Earth - just as every woman is because we are all born with love in our hearts. It is that love that causes us to Suffer and to Hurt, but it is also the one tool we have that can bring us out of the depths of despair.

Our IVF treatment worked. We were some of the lucky ones (I had many friends who weathered 3, 4, 5 cycles of IVF). We cautiously enjoyed our pregnancy and now call ourselves the blessed parents of a 9 month old (today!) little boy, Silas. He is forcing us to continue to grow as people and to change the way we identify ourselves from an infertile couple to parents. (That is a whole other blog post).

Being able to tell our story has been our saving grace. Looking beyond our own situation and seeing our suffering for what it was - a GIFT. A gift that allowed us to begin to look beyond ourselves and reach out to others in pain. It is my goal to continue to do this. To be a source of positive momentum in someone's life. People already have Hope inside them, even if they can't feel it from time to time, so I want to be a reminder of that everlasting Hope when they are hurting too badly to find it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Love yourself and love others. And you will be okay.

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash