Today is a hopeless day ....

Just when I start feeling like a woman again, I go to the dr...... And Bam! I feel less than female again after being told that at 27 years old my FSH levels are elevated to 10.  Of course, the doctor gives me no direction and I leave feeling alone, sad, and hopeless. 

 Being a child of the Information Age, the first thing I do is run to my computer and start googling "Elevated FSH"  only to be informed that my situation is way less than ideal.  Why I punish myself by reading the depressing crap on the Internet, I'll never know, but I do .... and suffer the consequences. 

I have to admit, I'm pretty scared right now.  I am tired of people telling me "It will happen" and "Just relax."  It is impossible to do so when you feel that your entire natural and biological reason for existing is a moot point. 

What really irks me is having to see the most incompetent, unloving, unstable, horrible people have child after child and know that I cannot even have ONE! NOT ONE!  I cannot help but ask why?? And I don't want to hear that all too familiar "God's Will"  bull. 

So I made an appointment with a fertility doctor.  And we shall see ... but I'm really just feeling deflated.  Completely isolated and deflated and sad.  All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry.  Why do things have to be so hard?  And why does one little bit of bad news feel like the end of the world?

Maybe I shouldn't just jump to such negative conclusions, but on days like today ... hopeless days.... it's just too hard to stay positive.     

What better way to connect with your spouse than by stripping away all your belongings and communing with nature for a weekend?  I must say things have been difficult lately what with dr.'s appointment's and stress levels being topped out.  Casey and I always joke that we have not one thing in common ... which normally is true, so you wonder what brought us together in the first place.  This weekend's camping trip reminded me why I love him so much and why we belong together.  Casey and I make a pretty damn good team.

Place us out in the woods with the bare essentials and we can make a pretty decent home out of nothing.  I guess this metaphorical realization over the weekend was a reminder to me that given nothing, together Casey and I can conquer the world.  We don't need a lot of stuff.  As a matter of fact, we get along a lot better without all of it.  Away from the stresses of keeping up with the Jones's, Casey and I make eachother laugh, we have eachother's back, and we take good care of eachother.... We had one of the best discussions in the history of our relationship while covered in sweat, spotted with antbites, and trekking through the woods. 

This weekend made me think about the broader spectrum of life.  About what is important.  About how having the 'comforts of home' really don't make a home.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if the world as we know it ended right here and now, Casey and I would be stronger than ever picking up what was left and making a warm, loving, and successful home for ourselves, and our (future) family.  ... and have fun with it at the same time.  Our struggles with having a family, are simply obstacles ... the same as trying to set up a new tent in the dark .... Sure, it's uncharted territory and not being able to see what to do or where to go makes it difficult, but being positive, laughing along the way, and working together gets it done.  And in the end, you have a quaint, yet comfortable little home that you can be proud of.  You wake up in the morning in the little home you've made with a perfect view of the beautiful full moon, and lying next to you is the man who had your back the entire step of the way.  You feel safe because he's there and you know that anything is possible with him.  Together you step out into a new, dew dropped day filled with the morning music of the earth and you begin anew. 

A perfect way to enjoy the 4th anniversary of the day you vowed to stand beside him.  What more do you need? 

Am I a person??? Or a baby machine??

St. Anne:  Patron Saint of Mothers and Healer of Infertility

Okay, so it must be said .... STOP ASKING ME ABOUT BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think people really forget that women are people ... once you get married you just stop being YOU and start being a vessel for what other people want.  Forget about all the goals you've set, your dreams, your hopes, and God forbid you have fears or concerns .... It's like one day you're a Bride to Be and the next day you're being asked, "So when are you going to have babies??"  I serioulsy should just quit my job and start charging people each time they ask.  I could make a pretty decent living that way, I think ... much better than I make as a Librarian ... a job, might I add, that I worked hard toward, dedicating the last two years to tirelessly work on a Master's Degree (one reason babies aren't in the picture yet).  But I guess since I'm female, it makes me selfish to have wanted to better myself BEFORE having kids.  It couldn't possibly be that I would like my kids to look at me with respect or that I want to give them the best life possible.  Nah! I'm just selfish. 

Another thing I don't quite understand is what goes through people's minds when they ask you this question?  I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say, "Nothing!" .... For lack of anything better to say to you, they simply assume that it is your aim to be barefoot and pregnant at the ripe old age of 27, and that you won't mind one bit if they pry into one of the most personal aspects of your married life.  It never strikes them that you might be afraid or you might not be able to have children.  It certainly doesn't strike them that if that were the case, you might be offended, upset, angered, etc. by their thoughtless comments.  I am here to tell you that if you are talking to a 27 year old married woman and she does NOT have children, you are best off assuming that she is having trouble conceiving, and you'd be better served to ask her about the weather instead.

It may not have occured to most of you, so I'm going to explain the day in the life of a woman struggling with infertility.

 Wake up
Take your temperature.
 Remember you are NOT pregnant
 Pee on a stick ... nope, not ovulating.
Be upset
Move on with your day
Drive to work
Listen to the radio mention pregnancy, babies, infertility treatment, etc.
Turn the station  
Repeat last two steps (possibly multiple times)
Get to work
Greet your pregnant coworker
Check Facebook and find out two more people are pregnant, are having girls, gave birth, etc.
Drink coffee (because you can and this might be the ONLY benefit to your situation at the moment... so ha!).
Have lunch which consists of a tasteless salad with a side of fruit when what you really want is a hamburger and a big old freakin' cupcake ... but Folic Acid is a must!
Run into friend, family member, old highschool classmate.
Nervously anticipate the question.
Correctly assume they will ask.
Answer, "Well, I just finished my Master's Degree, and we're just waiting until the time is right."
Fight back tears.
Feel relieved when she walks away.
Let yourself cry for the rest of your lunchbreak.
Go back to work.
Finish workday while avoiding pregnant coworker.
Go home.
Greet pregnant neighbor.
Curl in a ball and cry for 10 minutes.
Make dinner.
Over dinner, discuss Dr.'s Appointments with husband ... realize he can't go and cry because you have to do it alone.
Argue with husband.
Cry.
Make up.
Have sex (secretly hoping you get pregnant despite what that stupid ovulation test said).
Take your prenatal vitamin.
Go to bed.
Lay awake thinking of: what your baby would look like, how nervous you are about your dr. appt., what you will do if you never have kids, etc.
Wake up.
Remember that you are NOT pregnant ...... and so on.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it???

"My heart is a ladle of sweet water brimming over.... "

Well, I guess it's about time I take up the art of blogging.  I've always been a writer, but I've found that my words come more easily with pen and paper.  However, of late, the call of writing has found its way to my ears again, and so I've decided to partake in the 21st century format at last. 

The title of my blog is from my favorite quote in the Prologue of my favorite book, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.  The words speak to the hearts of women as we each have a heart that is a "ladle of sweet water brimming over" with love, longing, emptiness, and joy.  The hearts of women are a thing of God's beauty that only We can know.  They are a secret whispered so softly that the wind carries them to the far reaches of the earth so that they can be found everywhere and nowhere all at once.  They flood the world with emotions so deep, their waters can drown even the strongest swimmer.

I come back to this book every several years as it speaks to my heart each time I am dealing with some life altering event.  Lately, unfortunate events in my life have led me back to the company of Jacob's women, and I'm learning from them to appreciate the deep, flowing waters of my heart. 

In times of sorrow, the waters of female hearts swell so high, they spill over and anoint beautiful faces with sadness and longing.  Their tears are a talisman, warning those around them of the omnipotent power of the female heart that lies dormant until some great hurt awakens its flow, and its tides flood the earth. 

... And now you know my heart ..... "It is a ladle of Sweet Water Brimming Over."