Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Good Monday Morning, Folks!

With the arrival of Fall (my favorite time of year) comes the arrival of the THIRD TRIMESTER!!  How is it possible that only months ago, we had no idea if we were ever going to have children, and now we find ourselves nearing the END of this pregnancy!

Here is me and Silas at 27 weeks .... That red thing used to be a dress. :)

It is beyond belief for both of us, I think.

Casey has been hard at work on Silas's room.  He has ripped our carpet, stained the concrete floor, painted, and put up that wainscoting all on his own.  He doesn't know it, but I noticed a difference in the way he handled this project differently than any other home improvement project we've done.  He took painstaking time and effort to perfect this room.  It was so sweet to watch.  And he's done a wonderful job!  I can't believe we actually got to start on a nursery this time much less finish it and put a CRIB in there.  The sight of a crib, ready and waiting, at OUR house is beyond words.  We are so thankful for that sight.  Last night Casey told me, "Let's go in the baby room."  I said, "Ok" even though I had no idea what we'd do in there.  So we just stood there and looked around.  It was a moment.  It feels like Silas was always meant to be here.  To me, it doesn't feel like the arrival of a new person ... it feels more like the return of someone who was always supposed to be here and who we've missed so much!  I know he'll fit right into our family.

Here's a sneak peek of his room:

His room is such a peaceful place, and I hope he thinks so too.  A good friend, Kristi Scott, is working on some things for the room. and we cannot wait to see what her creative mind has come up with.  She has been such a supportive friend throughout our ordeal, and it'll mean so much to one day tell Silas his "Aunt Kristi" decorated his room. :)  

This week, we have two friends who had an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL egg retrieval and are now looking forward to another attempt at a transfer.  We are praying for them and their success!  I have another friend who is just beginning her Fertility Journey.  As I look back at ours and know the feelings they are feeling right now, I am sending them love directly from my heart and praying not that they have strength because they already do ... but that they RECOGNIZE the strength that they do have and go forward bravely, peacefully, and confident in the blessing it is to be female and have the ability to endure considerable pain while smiling their beautiful smiles to the world.  Somewhere our there.... those babies' souls are peacefully watching you and waiting for just the right time to take their rightful place in your families.  I'm thinking of you every day.  

I recently made a Lullaby Station on my Pandora so that I can put headphones on my tummy for Silas to hear.  One of my favorite songs that plays on there is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It speaks to the purpose of this blog post:  Bravery, Fear, Doubt, Relief, and the arrival of the One who was always meant to be there for you to love.  Please enjoy! 

 

Some updated Pics .....

Well, it's busy-season at work!

Last week was a doozy, so I didn't manage to update the blog like I had hoped.

Here are some updated belly pics for those of you who are wondering .....

25 weeks:

Me and Silas @ 26 weeks preparing for our evening walk (don't mind the hair and lack of makeup!) 

"Um, Casey, I think my t-shirt shrunk!!"  

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Sandman ..... relating Graphic Novel Superheroes to Fertility

Okay, so most of you know that I am a librarian.  A lot of my job is purchasing materials for the library.  In a nutshell, each month we get a massive list of books to be published, and our job is to read reviews of these items, take into consideration our patrons and community, and make educated decisions about what we should add to our collection based on our budget.  So there is this genre of books called Graphic Novels that I am totally uneducated about.  Many of my coworkers read them and are extremely informed about them, but I am not.  So.... I decided to try my hand at the genre and test one out.  I asked for recommendations, and the The Sandman by Neil Gaiman won out by a landslide.

 At first glance, I was skeptical.  This book looks like a comic book with Monsters and Superheroes ..... not up my alley at all.  But I was committed, so I journeyed on.  Only a few pages into the book, I was sucked in by the story.  Once I realized that the main character was the personification of Dreams, I began to understand that there was real literary substance to this sparsely worded work.

I'M GETTING TO MY POINT, I PROMISE ......

In one part of the story Dream journeys to Hell.  In Hell, he must fight a demon for his helmet.  The fight consists of a shapeshifting contest in which one fighter's shape beats out the other's.  For example, the demon first turns into a Wolf.  Dream turns into a hunter who then kills the wolf and so on.  Nearing the end of the fight, the demon turns into Anti-Life thinking he has won the contest.  I mean, think about it.  Anti-Life is just the opposite of all things living, so how could anything beat that??  After a long pregnant pause, Dream comes out with simply, "I AM HOPE."  Brilliant!

This struck me right away as being perfectly suited to the contents of this blog.  I have constantly written about Hope and how it always returns no matter how desperate you are.  Nothing can kill Hope.  It lives despite us.  DREAM WINS!! :)  As if I weren't amazed enough at the depth of content I was reading in this seemingly shallow work (pft!).... the story goes on.  After Dream wins by becoming the unkillable and undestroyable Hope, the Devil tries to keep Dream in Hell by surrounding him with thousands of demons.  The Devil says, "What power do Dreams have in Hell?"  You think about it and say to yourself .... true.  Then Dream pipes up with another BRILLIANT observation, "What power does Hell have without Dreams?"  GENIUS!!!

So here's the point of this long rambling blog entry.  Dream is right.  Hell only has power over us because of the Dreams we have for ourselves.  We dream about growing up and getting married and having children and living happily ever after.  When one part of our dream does not come to fruition we create our own little version of Hell in which we dwell on the fact that our Dreams haven't come true.  I am by no means saying you should give up your Dreams; the exact opposite actually.  I am asking you to be aware that the very existence of that deep down, passionate, desire that you feel to your very core is what is making you feel pain at the moment.  So you must ask yourself this .....  what is more important:  to feel the pain of the living being who Wishes, Hopes, Desires, and Dreams... or to give up Hope and Dreams just to avoid pain?  I think you will agree that the Hopeless, Dreamless person may as well be dead.  Our Dreams are what light us!  We have all seen the bitter person who is angry at life and has no Dreams left.  Their light has gone out, and it is written all over them.  It is an effort to keep Dreaming when you are frustrated and disappointed.  But it is your choice.  Those who are lifeless have chosen to forgo the mild pain of not having something they dream of in favor of the numbness associated with no longer Dreaming at all.  The fact that you are feeling pain simply means that your spirit is alive and well and doing what spirits do:  Unconsciously invoking that which makes up the very light in us.  Keep dreaming and let the light that is you take your power back from the hell you are in.  Once you do that, your pain may remain but it's power over you eventually melts away and is assuaged by the Light of your Dreams.