RESOLVE to know more ...

RESOLVE to know more about the heart of an infertile woman.

This blog began as a therapeutic outlet for me as I struggled to become pregnant.  I have always journaled, so why a blog for this purpose?  Why make such intimate and personal thoughts and feelings so public?  Very early on in my struggle with infertility, I realized an innate need to be understood by others.  Infertility can be one of the most heart-wrenching and isolating experiences a person faces.  In the beginning of my struggle, I felt this isolation immensely.  I began isolating myself from friends and family and eventually from those who were the closest to me.  Perhaps by beginning to lay my emotions out on the line, via this blog, I was making a last-ditch effort to connect with others. 

Unintentionally, this blog became my saving grace.  I found that, when faced with the gut-wrenching and inevitable questions, "When are you going to have a baby?" I could direct the inquirer to my blog.  It gave me an answer!  Before this blog, I never had an answer to that question because ... well.... I didn't know when I was going to have a baby or even if I was going to have a baby.  It could be humiliating and awkward for all parties involved for me to try to fumble through an explanation for why I had not become pregnant, so being able to say, "Well, I am working on that.  You should check out my blog, it is really interesting!" was a life-saver and made that question so much easier to face. 

It also gave me the ability to hold people accountable for what I considered their lack of knowledge and insensitivity because of it.  After one particularly distressing encounter with yet another Fertile Relative, I inconsolably wept to my husband, lamenting people's lack of compassion to such a sensitive subject.  My husband, ever the optimist and giver of endless benefits of the doubt, reminded me that "People just don't know about our situation, and if they did, chances are they wouldn't ask."  Lightbulb!  He was EXACTLY right.  People didn't know.  And I was holding them accountable for actions they were taking without knowledge.  Being a librarian and knowledge-lover, I realized that if I educated people - about my situation and about infertility in general - then I could begin holding them accountable for their actions and words.  As an infertile woman, my first reaction to my situation was anger.  I had to find a way to react differently or I risked pushing away every person in my life.  Accountability was the key.  I soon realized, though, that once I did begin informing people about infertility and about what I was struggling with, I no longer needed to hold them accountable because people, for the most part, became much more understanding and compassionate.  I feel that I have made a small impact in informing those around me about infertility.  And giving them insight into the heart of an infertile person - the joy, trauma, sadness, excitement, hope, and despair that lives there.

I learned that speaking out and giving information, without anger, helped not only me but helped other infertile couples.  Before long, friends were telling their friends about my blog because they were also struggling with infertility.  My blog then became a place of solace.  This, perhaps, has been it's greatest and most important achievement.  Many women have gone to my blog or contacted me because they are struggling with infertility or are about to embark on a fertility journey.  My blog serves as a place for them to get information about what they should expect as well as a place to laugh and cry along with someone who has been in their shoes.  I can only hope that my blog has made an impact, in some small way, to console and comfort the hearts of those who are suffering.  It's title came from my favorite book and poetically sums up the heart of the blog and the heart of women everywhere whether or not they suffer with infertility.  We all bear great strength and suffer great hurts.  We never know how strong we are until we are faced with the unthinkable.  We do not realize we are being strong as we cry and doubt our way through our challenges.  We seldom give ourselves credit for being amazing because we were just doing what we had to do.  But women who suffer from infertility are Strong.  They are Warriors in the face of the unthinkable.  Their tears and doubts make FERTILE the ground that lies before them whatever that may be.  And they are Amazing in their ability to keep forging ahead just because another day comes.  This blog is dedicated to all of the women whose hearts are a ladle of Sweet Water Brimming Over. 

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Good Monday Morning, Folks!

With the arrival of Fall (my favorite time of year) comes the arrival of the THIRD TRIMESTER!!  How is it possible that only months ago, we had no idea if we were ever going to have children, and now we find ourselves nearing the END of this pregnancy!

Here is me and Silas at 27 weeks .... That red thing used to be a dress. :)

It is beyond belief for both of us, I think.

Casey has been hard at work on Silas's room.  He has ripped our carpet, stained the concrete floor, painted, and put up that wainscoting all on his own.  He doesn't know it, but I noticed a difference in the way he handled this project differently than any other home improvement project we've done.  He took painstaking time and effort to perfect this room.  It was so sweet to watch.  And he's done a wonderful job!  I can't believe we actually got to start on a nursery this time much less finish it and put a CRIB in there.  The sight of a crib, ready and waiting, at OUR house is beyond words.  We are so thankful for that sight.  Last night Casey told me, "Let's go in the baby room."  I said, "Ok" even though I had no idea what we'd do in there.  So we just stood there and looked around.  It was a moment.  It feels like Silas was always meant to be here.  To me, it doesn't feel like the arrival of a new person ... it feels more like the return of someone who was always supposed to be here and who we've missed so much!  I know he'll fit right into our family.

Here's a sneak peek of his room:

His room is such a peaceful place, and I hope he thinks so too.  A good friend, Kristi Scott, is working on some things for the room. and we cannot wait to see what her creative mind has come up with.  She has been such a supportive friend throughout our ordeal, and it'll mean so much to one day tell Silas his "Aunt Kristi" decorated his room. :)  

This week, we have two friends who had an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL egg retrieval and are now looking forward to another attempt at a transfer.  We are praying for them and their success!  I have another friend who is just beginning her Fertility Journey.  As I look back at ours and know the feelings they are feeling right now, I am sending them love directly from my heart and praying not that they have strength because they already do ... but that they RECOGNIZE the strength that they do have and go forward bravely, peacefully, and confident in the blessing it is to be female and have the ability to endure considerable pain while smiling their beautiful smiles to the world.  Somewhere our there.... those babies' souls are peacefully watching you and waiting for just the right time to take their rightful place in your families.  I'm thinking of you every day.  

I recently made a Lullaby Station on my Pandora so that I can put headphones on my tummy for Silas to hear.  One of my favorite songs that plays on there is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It speaks to the purpose of this blog post:  Bravery, Fear, Doubt, Relief, and the arrival of the One who was always meant to be there for you to love.  Please enjoy! 

 

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it.