The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

A Short Stranger .....

I have been holding onto this fortune that I received in a fortune cookie about two years ago at the peak of our fertility struggles.  At the time, I didn't know it would take as long as it did, but the message was loud and clear.  The fortune has been hanging on our refrigerator all this time serving as a reminder to keep up Hope.  My Oh My, we didn't know the blessings that this short stranger would bring!

Last night, we finally got to reveal the gender to the Grandparents.  So now, we get to share the news with you!  Here I am between 19 and 20 weeks gearing up for our anatomy scan to check our baby's health and find out if it is a boy or girl.....

The morning of the anatomy scan was a stressful one for me.  Seeing our little baby's body parts all miraculously growing and developing was a bit much for me to handle, so I cried through the whole u/s.  What an emotional time!  Finally it was time to know what he/she is!  Like I mentioned in my last post, Bella had the big responsibility of unveiling the baby's gender.  She was so excited!  So without further ado ....... Bella would like to share the news with you too!!!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so exciting to hear this news!  Casey is beside himself at having a little buddy on the way!  I am hoping he does not want to be a Police Man when he grows up because I will just worry.  : /  He has already blessed our lives in so many ways.  We had a plan to take pictures of the Grandparents' reactions so we can remember the moment forever.  The looks on their faces were just the beginning of blessings that this Little Boy will bring us.  We would like to share those with you as well.  Here are the reactions of Pops, Gabby, Mimi, and Pop Pop.  Enjoy!  And thank you for reading!!!

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash