Angels among us ...

I have to share this story, as it has greatly impacted my whole day and probably my whole life. 

Today I had to run by the Dr's office on the way into work to have bloodwork done.  The Dr. has to track my HCG levels all the way back down to zero to make sure the miscarriage is complete.  It is fairly uncomfortable being in that Dr.'s office and seeing all the pregnant families and new born babies.  Actually, that's an understatement ... it's downright upsetting.  I had to wait for awhile b/c they couldn't find my paperwork, so I was in the waiting room longer than I would have liked. 

Finally when I got up to the lab to have my bloodwork, I was pretty upset and trying not to cry.  The lady taking my blood noticed my sniffling and asked if I was coming down with something.  I told her no.  She must have looked at my paperwork and put 2 and 2 together because after she finished, she stood in front of me and said, "Ashley, it's going to come again."  I was caught completely off guard and burst into tears once I realized what she was talking about.  She walked over to shut the door to give us some privacy, and she told me that she had been in my situation before and she understood how I felt.  She said that my emotions will only make me stronger.  She hugged me, and made me feel like I was in the arms of my own mother. 

Only another woman could recognize such a deep pain in another woman, and be brave enough to embrace her without fear of rebuke.  I'd like to say that more people should be like this woman, but what I really NEED to say is that people like this are there.  They are complete strangers walking down the street, and they do understand.  They are kind.  I do not feel that it was coincidence that this lady was in my path.  I think she was placed there.  On purpose.  To make sure I knew that my day could still be as good as it started.  And to allow me to go on with my day striving to bless someone's day as she blessed mine.  I left that office, completely in awe of the raw kindness of people and determined to help someone feel as special and as protected as I felt when she took time to comfort me.  She didn't have to do it, but she did anyway, and that means the world to me. 

I am in a position in life, with my job, to touch someone's life when they are in need like this lady touched mine.  And that is what I'm taking away from this.  Each person who walks in may be going through something life altering and they are just struggling to mask their emotions.  I want to be the person who makes them feel not so alone.  I want to be an Angel among us .....

When Hope Returns

Every now and again, Hope returns.  At times, Hope introduces herself and stays for a lengthy visit entertaining my heart, having a glass of wine until the laughter and fermented juice begin to cloud our brains.  But like all good visits with cherished friends, She must leave until another day. 

Sometimes Her visits are fleeting.  A quick, "Just wanted to drop in a say hello and remind you that I'm still here."  These visits are, perhaps the most valuable because it is so easy to lose sight of Her when Fear and Despair are your constant companions.

So, like any annoying acquaintance, I struggle to hold those two unwanted visitors at bay and just wait .... wait until Hope returns.

I am a torrential storm of strength

So much sadness.  My heart is broken into tiny fragments that stab and pierce each other until the pain is unbearable.  How does the organ that is the symbolic epitome of love make you feel such hatred when it is broken?  I have cried all the tears I can cry. The deep well of my soul has run dry, and with the drought, the earth of my being is cracked and barren; an angry dust storm of emotions.  (Is this why anger is a secondary emotion to sadness?  When it lacks rain to keep it moist and calm, the earth rebels by killing off all life leaving us with no food to satiate our hunger.  And so the soul, without tears to soothe our aching heart, dries up and becomes bitter and hateful). 

The loss is excrutiating.  How can a space so small feel as empty as the sky?  There is emptiness, and then there is the blackest depth, beyond all reach that another lifetime couldn't fill.  It is jumping off a cliff into a rumbling, foaming sea and continuing to fall until the rumbling ceases.  Stillness.  Dark.  Bottom.  Then delving off that deepest of depths like an underwater cliff diver except without the courage.  And just falling - in a continuous plummet because there is no bottom this time.  Just an eternal suspension in an infinite hole.  

The injustice is cruel.  In a world where right is wrong and wrong is right; bad is rewarded and good is punished to the highest degree.  And everything that follows the injustice seems like a prank being pulled by the 'man behind the curtain.'  You are not supposed to pay attention to him, but you really want to take his ropes and quickly, frantically form a noose.  A noose with which you can provide swift justice.  The correct kind of justice.  The kind in which bad people suffer and good people are showered with the gift of their every wish and desire - reasonable and unreasonable alike.   

The betrayal is unforgivable.  Words said and thoughtlessness can never be taken back.  Not when a hurt is this deep. 

The envy is sweet in its all self inflicted, sadistic glory.  Is it a test of my own will to do this?  To subject myself to situations I know will make me uncomfortable.  Is it because I think I deserved to be punished?  Or is it similar to the reasons we watch horror movies, we like the adrenaline rush and the feeling of relief once it's over?  Perhaps, I think it proves my strength - to whom? - to myself, I suppose.    

A Christmas Angel

Well, it's been a long time since I've last posted.  The reason is that we finally got good news!!! We found out we were pregnant on December 2, 2010.  The sheer relief and joy we felt was indescribable.  I'll never forget telling Casey that we were pregnant, the happiness on his face and the sound that escaped his throat as he cried with relief into my neck.  We had finally done it!!! 

Only three very short weeks later we lost our baby ... only 2 days before Christmas.  The loss is infinite.

For four days we held out hope that our sweet baby was hanging on.  We got to see it's incredible heartbeat twice!  The first time was on Christmas Eve, and we felt so lucky that we got that magical moment on such a magical night.  We had hope and only hope that we could hang on to our little one and boy did we try.  But on Monday, the day we turned 7 weeks, as I stood in the shower talking to God, trying to make him a deal, I realized that it was just time to let go.  My first lesson in parenthood, I suppose. 

Our wonderful friends and family continue to remind us that this was God's way of taking the baby, now, from a life that may have been less than ideal.  I don't know what our sweet angel would have been like had he or she been born.  Had it been born it wouldn't have mattered to me.  It would have been so loved.  However, I have to have faith that God knew what He was doing when he took our baby. 

I can't begin to describe the sadness and emptiness I feel at times.  Although there was never the noisy pitter patter of little feet in our home, the house feels quieter, emptier now.  There's a stillness that I can't quite place.  There's that lingering question of what our baby would have looked like?  Would it have been a girl or boy?  What would it have become? 

I see pictures of ultrasounds, and I feel cheated because on the day we were first supposed to see our baby and take home it's picture to show our families and friends, we found out the baby was gone.  A picture was printed out, but we didn't get one because it was just of an empty womb.  Why couldn't we have just one picture of that incredible little flicker?  Why couldn't our baby grow to be as big as the ones in other peoples' ultrasounds?  Why didn't we get the opportunity to feel our baby grow strong and kick it's tiny legs. 

We hope that one day we will.  We feel sure that God could not deny us that very special feeling of seeing and feeling our baby grow inside my belly.  We feel sure that while children are born every day into cruel environments to parents who don't love and cherish them to way they should, God could not deny us the chance to love and cherish our very own sweet baby.  For these reasons, we hope.  And Hope alone, is all we have this Christmas.  That and knowing that our baby became an Angel to watch over us during a very special time of year.  Probably not a year will close without us remembering that beautiful little flicker and the joy it brought to our hearts, if only for a moment.