Reflection of a year past

I haven't posted in a few months primarily because I have been trying to focus on healing and positivity instead of dwelling in the past and reliving our difficult situation. 

I have begun having acupuncture treatments.  I am on my 10th week of acupuncture, and I am amazed at how much better I feel!  Almost immediately, the acupuncture relieved my stress and anxiety.  I am practicing breathing techniques to bring peace to my body and allow me to handle emotions or difficult situations naturally.  Although I sometimes feel sad and down at the prospect of not having gotten pregnant again, for the most part I feel positive and peaceful.  The anger that surged in me even mere months ago, has mostly subsided, and I am able to see my situation with a whole new outlook. 

As a matter of fact, the reason I even came back to this blog today was because I was reading my acupuncturist's blog and it made me think of adding to mine. 

I wanted to reflect on where I am now as opposed to where I was a year ago just to illustrate how much I have grown.  A year ago on this exact day, I found out I was pregnant.  (I didn't even realize the date until just now when I looked at the calendar.... what does that say about the body's echo and being cognizant of the timing of things without you even realizing it?)  If I look at that day honestly, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I was terrified and completely uncertain.  Of course I was excited, and no, I do not think my fear was the reason I lost the baby.  However, when I look at myself now, my confidence in my ability to be a Mother and to overcome my own habits and shortcomings has skyrocketed. 

At this point last year, I was so unsure of myself and blamed myself for everything that was happening.  I told myself that it was my fault I wasn't getting pregnant, and then I allowed myself to believe that I lost the baby because I didn't deserve to have one.  I know now, just one short year later, that I do deserve a baby, and that I would be the best mother.  I can visualize myself loving the baby, and making a comfortable environment for it in my body and in my home. 

My relationship with Casey has also changed dramatically.  Of course we still bicker like husbands and wives will do, but I am more secure in his love for me and desire to be with me and create a family than ever before.  I am thankful that I have had him to go through this journey with because of his sensitivity and eagerness for me to be happy.  He has never failed to be understanding, and I do know that not many men would have remained so solid in the same situation. 

I have learned so much about my emotions and allowing myself to feel them.  I have learned how to empathize on an entirely new level.  I have learned how to communicate my feelings and thoughts in a more productive way.  I have learned how to organize my thoughts and prioritize my tasks to prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed.  I have learned the necessity of putting a situation in perspective and the importance of that when it comes to taking care of my body. 

A year ago I was asking myself why, and I am so thankful to be able to write this blog as an answer to that question.  I wonder what question I can pose to myself now to create an answer to this time next year?

Someone Like You

"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah." ~ Adele

I know this song is about a lost lover, but lately every song I hear makes me think of the baby I lost.  I was listening to Adele yesterday and heard this one, and it rang particularly true to me.  The first line sounds kind of harsh, but really the 'nevermind' part is more for myself.  I have spent the last 7 months angry and wishing to go back in time.  At this point, I feel that I need to move forward.  So in saying 'nevermind' I'm telling myself, "Nevermind all that anger, sadness, and regret .... move forward."  I will find another.  Someone just like the sweet baby that I lost.  Someone I will love just as much.  Of course, a mother wishes nothing but the best for her child.  I'm currently reading the book, "Heaven is for Real," and in that book a young boy who has a near death experience meets his big sister in Heaven who 'died in his mommy's tummy.'  When he tells his mom about her, she has the opportunity that so many of us wish we had, which is to ask what she looked like, what her name was ....  What I would give for someone to see my daughter in heaven and be able to ask them these questions ... or to tell her that I know she is safe and I want her to be happy and beautiful wherever she is. 

I do find myself, though, in times of desperation begging her not to forget me.  Please don't forget the mother who carried you for those few short weeks and loved you every minute.  Who, upon seeing your tiny heartbeat, felt the biggest joy you could ever imagine.  Who, upon losing you, felt a piece of her die away.  I will always, always remember you... please don't forget me. 

And of course, the obvious ... in Love, sometimes things last.  Oh, how I wish it would have lasted.  But sometimes it hurts instead, and in this case, the pain is unimaginable ....  But the pain exists because Love exists, and that is the most important thing. 

"Me, she needs me."

The book I'm reading at the moment, Room, is about a woman who was kidnapped at the age of 19.  Held captive by her kidnapper in a workshop behind his house, she is repeatedly raped by him.  She ends up becoming pregnant by him once, losing the baby, only to become pregnant again with Jack, the book's narrator.  In the book she tells Jack that the baby who died, she, was him but she was 'wrong' so she went to Heaven and came back as him.  I don't know how I feel about this.  I mean in some way I guess it's true.  Your child is trying to come to you, but just isn't right.  I don't know, though, that I could ever think of my future child as the reincarnation of the one I lost.  It's not that I don't believe in reincarnation, I just see them as two totally different individuals. 

This book is really interesting though.  Midway through the book, Jack and his mother make their 'Great Escape' and their captor is caught and jailed.  The rest of the book is about the both of them trying to adjust to the world.  Five year old Jack's never known 'Outside,' and he resembles a toddler learning, touching, smelling, hearing the World for the first time.  His mother has to deal with media scrutiny and being judged over the way she gave birth to Jack and raised him.  Someone in the book asks her why she never considered asking her kidnapper to take him to a hospital or adoption center so 'he could have a better life.'  Her response is, 'A better life without me?'  It's an interesting question b/c you wonder what you would do in that situation.  I mean parents give their children up for adoption all the time so that they can have a 'better life.'  What makes Jack's mother's situation any different?  I wonder if it had to do with companionship?  Did she keep Jack so she wouldn't be alone?  It's hard to say that she kept him because she loved him b/c that might imply that parents who give their children up for adoption do not love them.  And I know this is far from the case.  In actuality, many parents do so because they love their child.  The one thing that is clear is that no matter how Jack's mother handled the situation of having Jack, he would have been missing something.  Would you rather miss the World?  Or a mother's Love?

"I could see Peace instead of this"

"I could see Peace instead of this." 

How empowering?  I, not you nor he nor she, but I have the power to see Peace.  No one else is even mentioned.  It's funny how throughout our lives we are conditioned to worry with everyone around us.  The Golden Rule teaches us to do unto others, and I agree.  But, I think there should be a Silver Rule that teaches us to "Do Unto Ourselves as we would do unto others."  The importance of loving, forgiving, caring for and nurturing ourselves is greatly undervalued and oftentimes deemed as selfishness.  There is not a fine line but a gaping canyon between selfishness and self-love.  The same inspirational books that teach us to do unto others, in the same breath, tell us to love ourselves before we can love someone else.  The latter; however, is seen as cliche and its importance not really understood until one has reached a point of self-loathing where Life is interrupted, relationships are strained, and Happiness is a far off island reserved for those more deserving of a tropical vacation.

"This" is just a simple pronoun not referring to anything in particular.  Not capitalized to stand out.  Not even italicized or bolded or separated by any sort of emphasizing punctuation.  Just 'this.'  next to Peace it looks unimportant, plain, and even undeserving of any special attention.  Peace sits proudly in the middle, capitalized and beautiful.  It is the word that draws your attention and commands respect.  It is a lighthouse, a beacon guiding the reader to the calm shore of recognition.  I can have Peace.  I don't have to have Fear, Anger, Sadness, Guilt, Punishment .... but I can have Peace.  I have permission - to feel calm, to let go, to move forward.  I have permission and I have given it to myself.  That, perhaps, is the most important thing.  It is up to me and no one else to allow myself to see Peace instead of this - this sorrow, this anger, this guilt, this self-loathing.  I can love myself enough to forgive me of all I feel I've done wrong and in doing so I can do the same unto others.

Angels among us ...

I have to share this story, as it has greatly impacted my whole day and probably my whole life. 

Today I had to run by the Dr's office on the way into work to have bloodwork done.  The Dr. has to track my HCG levels all the way back down to zero to make sure the miscarriage is complete.  It is fairly uncomfortable being in that Dr.'s office and seeing all the pregnant families and new born babies.  Actually, that's an understatement ... it's downright upsetting.  I had to wait for awhile b/c they couldn't find my paperwork, so I was in the waiting room longer than I would have liked. 

Finally when I got up to the lab to have my bloodwork, I was pretty upset and trying not to cry.  The lady taking my blood noticed my sniffling and asked if I was coming down with something.  I told her no.  She must have looked at my paperwork and put 2 and 2 together because after she finished, she stood in front of me and said, "Ashley, it's going to come again."  I was caught completely off guard and burst into tears once I realized what she was talking about.  She walked over to shut the door to give us some privacy, and she told me that she had been in my situation before and she understood how I felt.  She said that my emotions will only make me stronger.  She hugged me, and made me feel like I was in the arms of my own mother. 

Only another woman could recognize such a deep pain in another woman, and be brave enough to embrace her without fear of rebuke.  I'd like to say that more people should be like this woman, but what I really NEED to say is that people like this are there.  They are complete strangers walking down the street, and they do understand.  They are kind.  I do not feel that it was coincidence that this lady was in my path.  I think she was placed there.  On purpose.  To make sure I knew that my day could still be as good as it started.  And to allow me to go on with my day striving to bless someone's day as she blessed mine.  I left that office, completely in awe of the raw kindness of people and determined to help someone feel as special and as protected as I felt when she took time to comfort me.  She didn't have to do it, but she did anyway, and that means the world to me. 

I am in a position in life, with my job, to touch someone's life when they are in need like this lady touched mine.  And that is what I'm taking away from this.  Each person who walks in may be going through something life altering and they are just struggling to mask their emotions.  I want to be the person who makes them feel not so alone.  I want to be an Angel among us .....

When Hope Returns

Every now and again, Hope returns.  At times, Hope introduces herself and stays for a lengthy visit entertaining my heart, having a glass of wine until the laughter and fermented juice begin to cloud our brains.  But like all good visits with cherished friends, She must leave until another day. 

Sometimes Her visits are fleeting.  A quick, "Just wanted to drop in a say hello and remind you that I'm still here."  These visits are, perhaps the most valuable because it is so easy to lose sight of Her when Fear and Despair are your constant companions.

So, like any annoying acquaintance, I struggle to hold those two unwanted visitors at bay and just wait .... wait until Hope returns.

I am a torrential storm of strength

So much sadness.  My heart is broken into tiny fragments that stab and pierce each other until the pain is unbearable.  How does the organ that is the symbolic epitome of love make you feel such hatred when it is broken?  I have cried all the tears I can cry. The deep well of my soul has run dry, and with the drought, the earth of my being is cracked and barren; an angry dust storm of emotions.  (Is this why anger is a secondary emotion to sadness?  When it lacks rain to keep it moist and calm, the earth rebels by killing off all life leaving us with no food to satiate our hunger.  And so the soul, without tears to soothe our aching heart, dries up and becomes bitter and hateful). 

The loss is excrutiating.  How can a space so small feel as empty as the sky?  There is emptiness, and then there is the blackest depth, beyond all reach that another lifetime couldn't fill.  It is jumping off a cliff into a rumbling, foaming sea and continuing to fall until the rumbling ceases.  Stillness.  Dark.  Bottom.  Then delving off that deepest of depths like an underwater cliff diver except without the courage.  And just falling - in a continuous plummet because there is no bottom this time.  Just an eternal suspension in an infinite hole.  

The injustice is cruel.  In a world where right is wrong and wrong is right; bad is rewarded and good is punished to the highest degree.  And everything that follows the injustice seems like a prank being pulled by the 'man behind the curtain.'  You are not supposed to pay attention to him, but you really want to take his ropes and quickly, frantically form a noose.  A noose with which you can provide swift justice.  The correct kind of justice.  The kind in which bad people suffer and good people are showered with the gift of their every wish and desire - reasonable and unreasonable alike.   

The betrayal is unforgivable.  Words said and thoughtlessness can never be taken back.  Not when a hurt is this deep. 

The envy is sweet in its all self inflicted, sadistic glory.  Is it a test of my own will to do this?  To subject myself to situations I know will make me uncomfortable.  Is it because I think I deserved to be punished?  Or is it similar to the reasons we watch horror movies, we like the adrenaline rush and the feeling of relief once it's over?  Perhaps, I think it proves my strength - to whom? - to myself, I suppose.    

A Christmas Angel

Well, it's been a long time since I've last posted.  The reason is that we finally got good news!!! We found out we were pregnant on December 2, 2010.  The sheer relief and joy we felt was indescribable.  I'll never forget telling Casey that we were pregnant, the happiness on his face and the sound that escaped his throat as he cried with relief into my neck.  We had finally done it!!! 

Only three very short weeks later we lost our baby ... only 2 days before Christmas.  The loss is infinite.

For four days we held out hope that our sweet baby was hanging on.  We got to see it's incredible heartbeat twice!  The first time was on Christmas Eve, and we felt so lucky that we got that magical moment on such a magical night.  We had hope and only hope that we could hang on to our little one and boy did we try.  But on Monday, the day we turned 7 weeks, as I stood in the shower talking to God, trying to make him a deal, I realized that it was just time to let go.  My first lesson in parenthood, I suppose. 

Our wonderful friends and family continue to remind us that this was God's way of taking the baby, now, from a life that may have been less than ideal.  I don't know what our sweet angel would have been like had he or she been born.  Had it been born it wouldn't have mattered to me.  It would have been so loved.  However, I have to have faith that God knew what He was doing when he took our baby. 

I can't begin to describe the sadness and emptiness I feel at times.  Although there was never the noisy pitter patter of little feet in our home, the house feels quieter, emptier now.  There's a stillness that I can't quite place.  There's that lingering question of what our baby would have looked like?  Would it have been a girl or boy?  What would it have become? 

I see pictures of ultrasounds, and I feel cheated because on the day we were first supposed to see our baby and take home it's picture to show our families and friends, we found out the baby was gone.  A picture was printed out, but we didn't get one because it was just of an empty womb.  Why couldn't we have just one picture of that incredible little flicker?  Why couldn't our baby grow to be as big as the ones in other peoples' ultrasounds?  Why didn't we get the opportunity to feel our baby grow strong and kick it's tiny legs. 

We hope that one day we will.  We feel sure that God could not deny us that very special feeling of seeing and feeling our baby grow inside my belly.  We feel sure that while children are born every day into cruel environments to parents who don't love and cherish them to way they should, God could not deny us the chance to love and cherish our very own sweet baby.  For these reasons, we hope.  And Hope alone, is all we have this Christmas.  That and knowing that our baby became an Angel to watch over us during a very special time of year.  Probably not a year will close without us remembering that beautiful little flicker and the joy it brought to our hearts, if only for a moment.