Before going out to sea ......

From The Awakening by Kate Chopin:

Despondency had come upon her there in the wakeful night, and had never lifted. There was no one thing in the world that she desired. There was no human being whom she wanted near her except Robert; and she even realized that the day would come when he, too, and the thought of him would melt out of her existence, leaving her alone. The children appeared before her like antagonists who had overcome her; who had overpowered and sought to drag her into the soul's slavery for the rest of her days. But she knew a way to elude them. She was not thinking of these things when she walked down to the beach.

The water of the Gulf stretched out before her, gleaming with the million lights of the sun. The voice of the sea is seductive, never ceasing, whispering, clamoring, murmuring, inviting the soul to wander in abysses of solitude. All along the white beach, up and down, there was no living thing in sight. A bird with a broken wing was beating the air above, reeling, fluttering, circling disabled down, down to the water.

Edna had found her old bathing suit still hanging, faded, upon its accustomed peg.

She put it on, leaving her clothing in the bath-house. But when she was there beside the sea, absolutely alone, she cast the unpleasant, pricking garments from her, and for the first time in her life she stood naked in the open air, at the mercy of the sun, the breeze that beat upon her, and the waves that invited her.

How strange and awful it seemed to stand naked under the sky! how delicious! She felt like some new-born creature, opening its eyes in a familiar world that it had never known.

The foamy wavelets curled up to her white feet, and coiled like serpents about her ankles. She walked out. The water was chill, but she walked on. The water was deep, but she lifted her white body and reached out with a long, sweeping stroke. The touch of the sea is sensuous, enfolding the body in its soft, close embrace.

She went on and on. She remembered the night she swam far out, and recalled the terror that seized her at the fear of being unable to regain the shore. She did not look back now, but went on and on, thinking of the blue-grass meadow that she had traversed when a little child, believing that it had no beginning and no end.

Her arms and legs were growing tired.

She thought of Leonce and the children. They were a part of her life. But they need not have thought that they could possess her, body and soul. How Mademoiselle Reisz would have laughed, perhaps sneered, if she knew! "And you call yourself an artist! What pretensions, Madame! The artist must possess the courageous soul that dares and defies."

Exhaustion was pressing upon and overpowering her.

"Good-by - because I love you." He did not know; he did not understand. He would never understand. Perhaps Doctor Mandelet would have understood if she had seen him - but it was too late; the shore was far behind her, and her strength was gone.

She looked into the distance, and the old terror flamed up for an instant, then sank again. Edna heard her father's voice and her sister Margaret's. She heard the barking of an old dog that was chained to the sycamore tree. The spurs of the cavalry officer clanged as he walked across the porch. There was the hum of bees, and the musky odor of pinks filled the air.

The End

Proverbs 31:25

I am not, generally speaking, a religious person .... Long story short, I have a profound spiritual sense, but do not identify myself with one denomination or religious affiliation.  I feel that would limit my view too much, and I prefer to dabble in the wisdom of the greatest religion: Humanity. 

That said, I adore all things Religion especially the beautiful words, selections, and passages one can pull from religious texts that can inspire and enlighten us in our daily dealings with ourselves and others. 

Today, while diligently pinning on Pinterest, I came across a biblical passage that struck a chord with me, and inspired me to pull out my trusty Bible and read the passage in its context.  The passage was Proverbs 31:25.  There are two translations of the line.  I will give them both .... The second is my favorite simply because I like the way the words are presented and the rhythm of them is more musical to my heart:

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." 

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." 

Perhaps, I like the latter, also, because of the wording of the second half of the line.  "She laughs without fear of the future."  This is the part that spoke straight to my soul when I first read the passage on Pinterest.  For obvious reasons.  Right now, my future is so incredibly uncertain, and that alone is the hardest part of this ordeal.  The uncertainty, the lack of control.  I am a planner.  I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up at an early age and was able to plan for that career gaining the necessary knowledge, experience, and education required.  When I travel, I make lists.  I plan my meals for the week on Sundays.  I get in the right lane as soon as I know I need to turn right up ahead.  Yet here I am, not knowing if or when I will have the most basic human experience in being a Mother. 

Of course Lemeul's mother is advising him to find this virtuous woman who is a firm believer in God.  I do believe in God even if not in the Christian sense.  And I think this line still applies to me.  I will take this as my inspiration in the coming days.  I will strive to be this woman clothed in Strength and Dignity.  I do not know the future, but I will make the greatest effort not to fear it and simply walk forward.  Head held high.  Husband at my side.  Entitled and grateful to Laugh. 

Who am I? I am I.

You know, the past few years, I've had so many changes in my life.  Physical changes both personally and in my surroundings; changes in friends and people that surround me.  Just SO many changes.  It is so easy, amid all this change, to lose sight of yourself.  I have always been very solid in who I am, how I want to treat people, and who I want to be.  And that, lately, has become weakened because of Life.  Today, though, I attended the Retirement Party of a coworker I worked with 10 years ago when I first got hired at the company I work for.  I am significantly younger than the group of women I worked with as a part timer a decade ago but still remain relatively close to a few of them.  Most of them attended my wedding and let's face it.... they along with this company have practically raised me as I started work here when I was 19.  I have grown significantly within this company which is what I set out to do when I got hired.  My goal was never to be rich or to be one of those ambitious go-getters always concerned with rising to the top.  I have to say that despite that, things have worked out well for me, and I have climbed the ladder rapidly while maintaining myself. 

However, I have to acknowledge that being around certain people with different ideals about work and career can really wreak havoc on your solidity in yourself.  I think, with everything I have been experiencing, that has happened to an extent and it may be contributing to my feelings of discontent in my job.  Going to that party today and being around those women that I worked with, learned from, and observed back when I was "impressionable"  really did me a huge favor.  I remembered who I was and more importantly who I am and who I am not. 

I am not that girl who is ruthless in her attempt to get to the top.  I am content where I am wherever that may be because I know that I can always be learning something in that place.

I am not that girl who feels like I should "be making more money with the education that I have."  I chose where I am and that choice was not based on monetary reasons ... it was based on the fact that I wanted to work here and contribute to a place that gave me so much throughout my younger years. 

This is it.  I am going back to being that girl.  I worked hard to get what I needed to get so that I could do this job.  Not vice versa.  I am done listening to people complain about my place of work because they, like I, have a choice to be or not to be here.  And speaking of Shakespeare .... two other Shakespeare quotes have crept up just today in this realization. 

1.  "All the world is a stage."  - That is right ... so I can come to work and put on a show.  I can give the people what they need.  I can be an actress and choose my role.

2.  "Above all, be true to yourself."  - Remember who you are.  Where you came from.  Why you are here.  And who you want to be.  Be that.  And nothing else. 

In my attempt to not become a bitter human being ....

What a rollercoaster ride this thing is.

Having completed all recommended testing for women in the area of infertility, or recurrent pregnancy loss, as my case seems to have morphed into, we have come to the conclusion that there is no conclusion.  Most people would rejoice in the fact that they are completely and utterly healthy without any medicinal indication that there is something wrong.  But I am not.  Hearing, "All of your results look great! You are healthy as can be!" is probably the biggest let down I have ever heard.  All is well except that it isn't. 

I feel as though I am approaching a crossroads.  I am not quite there yet, but I know I will have to make a decision soon.  I just keep hoping that I will get a miraculous or divine answer to it all.  Some very clear and distinct message in the sky that says, "Ashley! This is exactly what you need to do."  People keep telling me to have hope or keep the faith, but that is the only thing I am hoping for.  Someone to tell me what to do. 

This has completed a transition from hoping and wanting to get pregnant to acknowledging and accept that quite possibly I won't but I do not feel settled in that place.  I have never before truly questioned what my purpose on this earth is until now.  Of course, we all think about that, and I've always thought our purpose was not something we needed to know.  Hypocritically, now, I feel that not only do I need to know but that my purpose is to figure it out.  If I'm not here to bear and raise my own children in my image instilling in them all of the things I have placed aside to tell and teach them throughout my 29 years ... then what am I to do with all of that experience?  Is it going to die alongside me?  Do I go out into the world and share it with others both willing and unwilling?

Perhaps the bigger question is, was I put here to adopt someone else's child?  Am I strong enough to do that and face all the challenges that come with it?  Am I willing to accept that challenge?  Doing so is, perhaps, an even greater commitment that having your own child.  You are, of course, expected to accept that child and raise it lovingly, but deciding to take in someone else's child; accepting them and their past; accepting that you may have to share their experiences with another parent or parents; accepting that one day you will have to discuss your decision with them or the decision of their parent to give them away; accepting that one day your child might look you in the eye and tell you they hate you and that you're not even their real mom; accepting that you will have known that would happen and understand their pain enough to love them through it. Am I strong enough for that?  Was I chosen for that?  I know this is an option, and that gives me some peace. 

At the beginning I struggled with thinking I wasn't qualified to mother my own child .... I am now struggling with wondering whether I am qualified to mother someone else's?  How far I have come.