Mindfulness at Panera .....

Okay, so I know this blog is supposed to be about my journey through fertility challenges and pregnancy; however,  a lot of what I discuss on this blog has to do with Mindfulness.  Throughout my journey and challenges, I began to read a lot about Mindfulness as a practice for easing stress, simplifying life, recognizing the mind-body connection, and healing one's self through mindful thinking and awareness. 

I try to practice mindfulness in every aspect of my life and sometimes it is more difficult than others.  But I think the most important place to take a mindful approach is when dealing with others.  We've all seen the quote that says, "Be Kind; Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I try to live by this.  Of course, we all have our moments, but I witnessed something today while grabbing dinner at Panera Bread that really made me want to shout this quote from the rooftops. 

I am standing in line behind a middle aged, Caucasian man who is placing his order with the young girl behind the counter.  I notice that he is speaking to her in a very loud and very condescending way.  The only word I can use to describe him based on the way he was treating her is "bully."  When he was finished placing his order, I moved up in line and proceeded to place mine.  I then stood near him as we both waited for our to-go orders to be filled.  As they called his number, he became aggressive with the young man helping him who handed him his food and began berating the poor girl again who had apparently entered his order incorrectly.  He said loudly (too loudly for the restaurant atmosphere), "I don't think she knows what she is doing." 

I wanted so badly to tell him that the way he treated her and his assumption that she didn't know what she was doing led to a self-fulfilling prophecy of her getting his order wrong.  Did he stop to think that the way he spoke to her may have made her so on-edge and nervous that she was unable to concentrate on entering the order correctly?  She entered mine perfectly fine after I spoke with her in a calm and considerate tone.  As I stood behind him, listening to him berate the staff, who for young people, reacted professionally and courteously might I add, I wanted to tell him that "Perhaps if we stop antagonizing the staff, they will be able to straighten the order out and we can be on our way."  It bothered me that this bully would speak to these young people this way who had done nothing but make an honest mistake.  Had the bullying gone any further, I probably would have stood up for them and spoken up to the man.  Fortunately for all of his, he stopped speaking and resorted to stomping and sighing around, pitching a fit like a 5 year old child would if someone took away his birthday. 

I left the restaurant giving the girl an encouraging *wink* and thanking her again for her help.  As I got in my car still mulling over this grown man's behavior, it HIT me.  "Be Kind; Everyone is fighting a hard battle."  Although, I would have liked to thump this man over the head with my soft, warm baguette for acting ridiculously, I have to be mindful and ask myself.... "I wonder what his battle is that makes him behave this way."  This is difficult to do.  But it is the mindful way.  I will, of course, never have an answer ... but it does help to think of him from this perspective and offer him compassion instead of the knuckle-sandwich I was considering.  Maybe he is just a bully, but someone or something made him that way.  So I'll end with this .... my attempt at mindfulness when someone just really ticks me off .... an Old Southern expression that says so much by saying so little .... Bless His Heart. 

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Good Monday Morning, Folks!

With the arrival of Fall (my favorite time of year) comes the arrival of the THIRD TRIMESTER!!  How is it possible that only months ago, we had no idea if we were ever going to have children, and now we find ourselves nearing the END of this pregnancy!

Here is me and Silas at 27 weeks .... That red thing used to be a dress. :)

It is beyond belief for both of us, I think.

Casey has been hard at work on Silas's room.  He has ripped our carpet, stained the concrete floor, painted, and put up that wainscoting all on his own.  He doesn't know it, but I noticed a difference in the way he handled this project differently than any other home improvement project we've done.  He took painstaking time and effort to perfect this room.  It was so sweet to watch.  And he's done a wonderful job!  I can't believe we actually got to start on a nursery this time much less finish it and put a CRIB in there.  The sight of a crib, ready and waiting, at OUR house is beyond words.  We are so thankful for that sight.  Last night Casey told me, "Let's go in the baby room."  I said, "Ok" even though I had no idea what we'd do in there.  So we just stood there and looked around.  It was a moment.  It feels like Silas was always meant to be here.  To me, it doesn't feel like the arrival of a new person ... it feels more like the return of someone who was always supposed to be here and who we've missed so much!  I know he'll fit right into our family.

Here's a sneak peek of his room:

His room is such a peaceful place, and I hope he thinks so too.  A good friend, Kristi Scott, is working on some things for the room. and we cannot wait to see what her creative mind has come up with.  She has been such a supportive friend throughout our ordeal, and it'll mean so much to one day tell Silas his "Aunt Kristi" decorated his room. :)  

This week, we have two friends who had an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL egg retrieval and are now looking forward to another attempt at a transfer.  We are praying for them and their success!  I have another friend who is just beginning her Fertility Journey.  As I look back at ours and know the feelings they are feeling right now, I am sending them love directly from my heart and praying not that they have strength because they already do ... but that they RECOGNIZE the strength that they do have and go forward bravely, peacefully, and confident in the blessing it is to be female and have the ability to endure considerable pain while smiling their beautiful smiles to the world.  Somewhere our there.... those babies' souls are peacefully watching you and waiting for just the right time to take their rightful place in your families.  I'm thinking of you every day.  

I recently made a Lullaby Station on my Pandora so that I can put headphones on my tummy for Silas to hear.  One of my favorite songs that plays on there is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It speaks to the purpose of this blog post:  Bravery, Fear, Doubt, Relief, and the arrival of the One who was always meant to be there for you to love.  Please enjoy! 

 

Some updated Pics .....

Well, it's busy-season at work!

Last week was a doozy, so I didn't manage to update the blog like I had hoped.

Here are some updated belly pics for those of you who are wondering .....

25 weeks:

Me and Silas @ 26 weeks preparing for our evening walk (don't mind the hair and lack of makeup!) 

"Um, Casey, I think my t-shirt shrunk!!"  

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Sandman ..... relating Graphic Novel Superheroes to Fertility

Okay, so most of you know that I am a librarian.  A lot of my job is purchasing materials for the library.  In a nutshell, each month we get a massive list of books to be published, and our job is to read reviews of these items, take into consideration our patrons and community, and make educated decisions about what we should add to our collection based on our budget.  So there is this genre of books called Graphic Novels that I am totally uneducated about.  Many of my coworkers read them and are extremely informed about them, but I am not.  So.... I decided to try my hand at the genre and test one out.  I asked for recommendations, and the The Sandman by Neil Gaiman won out by a landslide.

 At first glance, I was skeptical.  This book looks like a comic book with Monsters and Superheroes ..... not up my alley at all.  But I was committed, so I journeyed on.  Only a few pages into the book, I was sucked in by the story.  Once I realized that the main character was the personification of Dreams, I began to understand that there was real literary substance to this sparsely worded work.

I'M GETTING TO MY POINT, I PROMISE ......

In one part of the story Dream journeys to Hell.  In Hell, he must fight a demon for his helmet.  The fight consists of a shapeshifting contest in which one fighter's shape beats out the other's.  For example, the demon first turns into a Wolf.  Dream turns into a hunter who then kills the wolf and so on.  Nearing the end of the fight, the demon turns into Anti-Life thinking he has won the contest.  I mean, think about it.  Anti-Life is just the opposite of all things living, so how could anything beat that??  After a long pregnant pause, Dream comes out with simply, "I AM HOPE."  Brilliant!

This struck me right away as being perfectly suited to the contents of this blog.  I have constantly written about Hope and how it always returns no matter how desperate you are.  Nothing can kill Hope.  It lives despite us.  DREAM WINS!! :)  As if I weren't amazed enough at the depth of content I was reading in this seemingly shallow work (pft!).... the story goes on.  After Dream wins by becoming the unkillable and undestroyable Hope, the Devil tries to keep Dream in Hell by surrounding him with thousands of demons.  The Devil says, "What power do Dreams have in Hell?"  You think about it and say to yourself .... true.  Then Dream pipes up with another BRILLIANT observation, "What power does Hell have without Dreams?"  GENIUS!!!

So here's the point of this long rambling blog entry.  Dream is right.  Hell only has power over us because of the Dreams we have for ourselves.  We dream about growing up and getting married and having children and living happily ever after.  When one part of our dream does not come to fruition we create our own little version of Hell in which we dwell on the fact that our Dreams haven't come true.  I am by no means saying you should give up your Dreams; the exact opposite actually.  I am asking you to be aware that the very existence of that deep down, passionate, desire that you feel to your very core is what is making you feel pain at the moment.  So you must ask yourself this .....  what is more important:  to feel the pain of the living being who Wishes, Hopes, Desires, and Dreams... or to give up Hope and Dreams just to avoid pain?  I think you will agree that the Hopeless, Dreamless person may as well be dead.  Our Dreams are what light us!  We have all seen the bitter person who is angry at life and has no Dreams left.  Their light has gone out, and it is written all over them.  It is an effort to keep Dreaming when you are frustrated and disappointed.  But it is your choice.  Those who are lifeless have chosen to forgo the mild pain of not having something they dream of in favor of the numbness associated with no longer Dreaming at all.  The fact that you are feeling pain simply means that your spirit is alive and well and doing what spirits do:  Unconsciously invoking that which makes up the very light in us.  Keep dreaming and let the light that is you take your power back from the hell you are in.  Once you do that, your pain may remain but it's power over you eventually melts away and is assuaged by the Light of your Dreams.

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

A Short Stranger .....

I have been holding onto this fortune that I received in a fortune cookie about two years ago at the peak of our fertility struggles.  At the time, I didn't know it would take as long as it did, but the message was loud and clear.  The fortune has been hanging on our refrigerator all this time serving as a reminder to keep up Hope.  My Oh My, we didn't know the blessings that this short stranger would bring!

Last night, we finally got to reveal the gender to the Grandparents.  So now, we get to share the news with you!  Here I am between 19 and 20 weeks gearing up for our anatomy scan to check our baby's health and find out if it is a boy or girl.....

The morning of the anatomy scan was a stressful one for me.  Seeing our little baby's body parts all miraculously growing and developing was a bit much for me to handle, so I cried through the whole u/s.  What an emotional time!  Finally it was time to know what he/she is!  Like I mentioned in my last post, Bella had the big responsibility of unveiling the baby's gender.  She was so excited!  So without further ado ....... Bella would like to share the news with you too!!!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so exciting to hear this news!  Casey is beside himself at having a little buddy on the way!  I am hoping he does not want to be a Police Man when he grows up because I will just worry.  : /  He has already blessed our lives in so many ways.  We had a plan to take pictures of the Grandparents' reactions so we can remember the moment forever.  The looks on their faces were just the beginning of blessings that this Little Boy will bring us.  We would like to share those with you as well.  Here are the reactions of Pops, Gabby, Mimi, and Pop Pop.  Enjoy!  And thank you for reading!!!

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash

A Happy Day .....

Above is a photo of the framed quote we have hanging on the wall in our dining room.  I like it there because I pass by it many times a day, and it serves as a reminder.

Well, today is my 30th birthday.  If you had asked me, in my early twenties, how I would feel about turning 30, I probably would have grimaced and said, "I'm never turning 30!"  However, the last few years have brought about so much change in my outlook on Life in general, and My Life specifically that I have to say turning 30 right now is just another symbolic representation of the tides turning.  I am so happy to be 30 and leave behind the person I was in my 20's.  Not that I didn't like that person, but I am happy to be older, wiser, more compassionate, more thoughtful.

This morning so many people have wished me a Happy Birthday, but what should really be happening is that I should be thanking each and every one of them for being in my life.  Every person I have known and know has taught me something.  Each and every one of YOU has made me want to be a better person.  Today I am humbled by the fullness of my heart and am completely aware of the blessings in my life.  I couldn't ask for better friends and family.  I love you all from the very depth of my being, and I hope I can at least show you an inkling of that through our lifetime together.

That being said and thanks being given.  I am so thankful to God and the Universe (and Houston Fertility Institute) for giving me the tiny Creature thriving inside.

Here is what 13 weeks and 3 days looks like:

12 weeks - "Hope is the thing with feathers.... "

Hello all!

Well, we finally reached the 12 week marker.  I can say that it has been smoother and easier than I expected.  Somewhere within, we've found the ability to calmly take each day, and I'm thankful that the fear and anxiety isn't present always like I thought it would be.  We are finally getting to enjoy our pregnancy, and bond with our little one!

Today was our last visit to our fertility clinic.  It was an emotional visit for sure.  We got to see our little Creature looking like a baby, finally!  It has a little pot-belly and likes to roll around.  It is still measuring long so it looks like I'll have a tall tiny-dancer on my hands!  I will welcome it with open arms. <3

Here's the Tiny-Dancer at 12 weeks 4 days measuring in at 13 weeks!

So we are officially off all medications... No more shots, patches, or pills except for vitamins!! I can begin to feel like a normal person again .... Well a normal person with another person growing inside of me. Tehe .... what a concept!  I can't even wrap my mind around it. :)

We've begun taking belly pics since my belly is rapidly expanding and poking out pretty good at this point.  We have decided to take them against the wall on which I have hung a frame with a quote from Emily Dickinson, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul... "....  I hung this picture during our fertility challenges to remind me that although Hope is fleeting and fragile like a bird, it always returns.  I thought this was the perfect place to take our belly shots.... So here is our first one.  This is me at 12 weeks 3 days.  Although this is somewhat the, "Is she pregnant or just fat stage?"  I have decided to embrace the bump pregnant-looking or not!  See you all next time! xo

12 Weeks 3 Days -

Suddenly .....

The votes are in AND ................................

We are officially about 11 weeks pregnant with one little tiny Creature!!

A lot has happened since I last posted, so I apologize for being so late.  This will serve as the official "Social Media Announcement."  Casey and I do not want to post any announcement on Facebook.  We know better than anyone how it feels to open up your page in the morning to see 1,547 baby announcements and be, well, less than thrilled.  Not many people know about this blog, so I figured I was safe here.  My main concern still remains protecting the feelings of those I love that are struggling with fertility (remember: I DO NOT SAY "Infertility").

So we found out in late April that the IVF had worked and all of the $$, shots, tears, sweet, and blood were worth it.  Of course, we were cautious (and still are) and just focused on resting and remaining calm.  I tried to remind myself that the only thing I had control over was how I felt and reacted every single day.  I set my intention to live with Gratitude.  So each day (several times) I thank God for one more day/minute with our little Creature.  I know that whatever happens is out of my hands.  I am doing the things I can, but I am trying to remain humble and know that God knows what is in our hearts: the desire to see this little one born and kiss it's little face.  I have to trust that it is God's plan to have that dream come to life.  Each time an inkling of fear creeps in, I just stop for a moment and say, "Thank you God for this moment with my little Creature."  And then I go about my day.  Worrying is not going to make anything happen that is not supposed to.

We saw/heard the baby's heartbeat the first time on the morning of my Papaw's funeral.  He passed away about 2 or 3 days after we found out we were pregnant.  I miss him.  He was such a huge part of my childhood.  He taught me so much and gave me so many opportunities.  I didn't verbally get to tell him that I was expecting, but I think I told him with my heart just before he passed.  I think he understood.  It was a bittersweet moment the minute we walked into the Doctor's office dressed for his funeral to see and hear the baby's little heartbeat, but I'm thankful for that morning.  To touch the beginning and end of life at the same time is a special experience, and I have to recognize the meaning in it.  We have no control over life.  God or Allah or Yahweh or the Universe is in control, and we are loved from beginning to end whenever those two milestones come.

Recently I watched the musical, Les Miserables, and one of the songs in that film touched me to the very core.  It puts into beautiful music and words how I feel about this little life growing inside me, but more importantly, it puts into words the Hope that exists even when you think it doesn't.  Our struggle the past 4 years has been a roller coaster and there have been times when I felt that all Hope had died.  But I always surprised myself at feeling hopeful when a new cycle started.  So many times I beat myself up for feeling Hopeful because I was afraid of being disappointed or devastated again.  The thing I am most grateful for is that I was able to teach myself that Hope will never die because it is as innate in us are Love and Fear.  And being afraid of disappointment will get us nowhere.  What a wonderful feeling to Open your Heart and just Hope when you can hope.  Fear when you need to fear.  And Love always.  My heart breaks for everyone on this earth who has or is going through a struggle to have a child.  Casey and I still have a long road ahead, but I am forcing myself to have an Open and Hopeful Heart until I have a reason not to.  This song says, "How was I to know that so much Hope was held inside me? What is past is gone ... Now we Journey on ..." And that will be my mantra so that I do not miss one moment or take for granted a millisecond of this Creature's life.  I hope this song gives you Hope for whatever it is you long for.  And don't be afraid to cry .... I do.  Everytime.  <3

The Final Count ....

After a long wait we finally heard back on our PGD results! :) 

So the egg retrieval resulted in 8 eggs.  7 of those fertilized.  Those 7 embryos were sent off for genetic testing and **DRUMROLL** 6, SIX, six of them were normal!!! :D

This is fantastic news.  This means that all 6 of those will be frozen to be later thawed and transferred. 

Our plan is to transfer 2.  If this results in one we will be elated!  If it results in two, we will be ecstatic!  If it results in three, we will be excited (and terrified) but EXCITED!!


From here on out, we will be keeping the date of our transfer and things relatively secret.  We want to simulate the experience a couple gets to have when they get pregnant (normally) for the first time and get to enjoy the experience of being the only 2 people in the world who know for a time. 

Of course, there is the logical part that we want to keep it on the down-low until we know everything is ok, but mostly we just want to be pregnant like a normal couple, and I can't wait to get to have that secret and carry it with me everyday.  If you don't hear from me for awhile just know that whatever happens with this cycle, Casey and I are experiencing it together and that we are ok.  If it works, we will spend time dreaming about what our babies will look like, picking out names, planning the nursery.  If it doesn't work, we will be encouraging each other, reminding each other to be hopeful because we will have 4 more embryos to try again, and growing our love as a couple.  Thank goodness for this experience that has taught us to do that! 

I also want to send a shout-out to a couple of my friends who are also going through their IVF cycles right now.  I love you all and pray everyday that these experiences make us stronger women, make us love our husbands even more, and give us more and more reasons to love our children and cherish them when we finally hold them in our arms!  (((hugs))) to both of you! 

Just Another Manic Monday .....

Well, it's Monday .... again.  Still playing the waiting game.  It seems like lately everything happening is just testing my patience.  Mondays seem like they were put on this earth just for that purpose.  I've been coming down with 'something' running a low grade fever and just sick enough to feel like crap but not sick enough to stay home and be sick.  Anywho, this morning I awoke from my Nyquil induced coma at what felt like 4:30 (thanks a lot Daylight Savings Time). 

Speaking of Daylight Savings Time (see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_saving_time)  ... What the hell were these people thinking?!  If you really stop and dwell on this commonality, it is quite disturbing how arbitrary time is ... it also speaks to the argument, "Hell! Why don't we just do away with clocks and work with the Sun like the Cave People used to do?! ... Life would be so much easier and we probably would not be obese (See: http://www.elsevier.com/about/press-releases/research-and-journals/partial-sleep-deprivation-linked-to-obesity).  Anywho, I digress.

I stumble into my kitchen to retrieve my first cup of coffee to counteract the Nyquil : / only to find that my coffeepot, which has been on for 7 minutes, has about one millimeter of brown liquid in the bottom and is only steaming and making God awful noises.  To which I shout, "Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as Casey walked through the door.  It is never a good thing when a nice steaming cup of coffee on your kitchen counter on Monday morning is replaced by this:

After employing screwdrivers to dissect my beloved coffeepot and applying 6 lbs of PSI through an air compresser, Casey finally got it working again! Huzzah!  I love a man who will bust out power tools at 6:00 in the morning to ensure that I get my necessary daily intake of caffeine.  This is true love.  Happy Monday, everyone!    Enjoy!

The Waiting Game

Well, it's been almost two weeks since the egg retrieval.  I am happy to report that my digestive system has finally come back to life with the help of fiber smoothies! Thank God for the Magic Bullet Casey gave me for Valentine's Day.  :)

We've definitely given a knew definition to the idea of keeping busy during the wait for the PGD results.  The Sunday following the retrieval, my sister came to town and stayed for a whole week!!! That was the most fun and probably, looking back, the best thing that could have happened during that week.  I had no time to dwell on how bad I felt or to worry about results.  That girl kept me busy!! :D

Right before she left, Casey decided it was time to start remodeling the bedroom, so out came our carpet!! I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda dismayed at the timing, but I am glad he decided to do it because now I have a project on my hands.  I'm going for a Bohemian theme in there, so the space has really opened up a door to creativity for me which is probably what I need most right now.

Sunday night, I was finally able to start working out again.  Huge step and THANK GOD!!!!  Jogging, yoga, and Jillian Michaels are my best friends, and I have missed them since this whole process began.  I think I may be getting my sanity back and am slowly but surely getting my body back... Hopefully in preparation for being home to Twins very soon. :)  *prayers please*

So now we continue to wait.  Impatient? Yes.  Anxious? Yes.  Excited? Yes.  Nervous?  Absolutely!!!  Thanks for waiting with me and for reading.

xo,
Ash 

I'm on a Bloat!

Holy Laxative Batman!  2 days after ERD, and I am so happy to have all that behind us.  However,  No One or No Thing prepared me for the amount of bloating that would occur amongst my innards as a result of this procedure.  My God, I may need to ask if they retrieved 7 eggs or placed 7 toddlers inside my abdomen on Tuesday!!  There are a couple of things going on in my poor, exhausted torso at the moment, I think:

1.  Anesthesia - apparently being under general anesthesia makes you constipated.  Well let me just say that this statement is probably the biggest understatement I have heard in my entire lifetime and should really be described is that your Digestive System simply ceases to exist in any form or fashion.  It literally feels like my stomach is the collection pot at Lakewood Church and parishioners are tithing large chunks of food instead of money.  Jesus H. Christ!  I seriously look like I am 6 months pregnant with elephant triplets.

2.  OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) - I'm not sure if I actually have this or maybe a mild form of it that occurs during IVF cycles as a result of the potent medications that are stimulating the ovaries, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph the cramping, bloating, and feeling like someone kicked me right in the Hoo-Ha! (Thanks for that analogy, Samira!).  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to turn.  It hurts to pee.

3.  Lethal Combination - All of the Poop, Gas, and Ovary Fluid that is collecting inside of me is roiling together like a hurricane at a Jimmy Buffett concert and not in a good way (Man, I'd kill for a Margarita ... but I digress).  I do not feel like I will ever pass gas again, and boy would I love to.  I swear ... whenever I get the urge, the people around me better watch out because I am letting it rip come Hell or High Water paying no mind to my surroundings.  It boils down to this.  There has been a Fart growing inside of me for the past 3 days that has become an entity all its own.  It probably  has teeth and fingernails.  When this thing decides to make it's debut ... far be it for me to deny it's entrance into the world.  And when the 4 separate laxatives I took yesterday, Prune smoothies, and Flax I have been eating for the past 2 days decide to do their job and trigger the bowels..... Whoa-ho, Buddy you better watch out because me giving birth to these IVF triplets I so hope for will be a romantic stroll on the beach compared to 15 lb turd I am cooking up.  :)

Hope you are reading this over lunch.  TMI?!  I think not.  As I said before, I want this blog to be read as a realistic experience of an IVF cycle... I know that those of you who have been through it are ROTFL right now .... and those of you who haven't think I am exaggerating ... My hope is that those of you who are about to are prepared and see the humor in it .... You are not alone.

Thanks for reading!

Egg Retrieval Day

Okay, it has been awhile since my last post ... Sorry about that but we've been so busy with getting ready from the Egg Retrieval and recovering from it that I haven't had a chance to log on.  Anywho, Egg Retrieval Day was exciting and interesting, and I'm super excited to give you a run-down of it! :D

Egg Retrieval is considered a minor surgical procedure as you are under general anesthesia, so I could not eat or drink anything after midnight the night before.  If you know me, this is a big deal because I absolutely MUST have two things in the morning:

1.  Coffee
2.  Meat

But I guess my adrenaline was pumping and my nerves were heightened enough that the not eating thing didn't bother me too much.  I donned by brand new pj's I bought especially for ERD (Egg Retrieval Day), slipped on some flip flops and we were on our way to Piney Point Surgical Center.

Once we got there everyone took wonderful care of us.  You can tell these people do this daily because they didn't miss a beat, and I never felt uncomfortable or unsure.  I'm pretty sure that Houston Fertility Institute trains their employees to call you "Sweetie" and "Honey" because they all do it, and it makes you feel like your Momma is the one taking care of you.  I love it! :)

When it was our turn, they put me and Casey in our Pre-Op room.  A tiny little room with our own little comfy chair and private bathroom.  I changed into my hospital gown, little bootie shoes, and lunch lady bonnet (my favorite part... so stylish!) and waited for them to come prep me.  It didn't seem like very long at all that they had my IV in and had wrapped a warm sheet around my shoulders to keep me warm on my short walk to the OR.  Only one minor stumbling block when the sweet girl hit a valve in my right hand and had to switch to my left... simple solution:  head between knees for a few seconds.  :)

I'm not gonna lie the OR was a little intimidating as I had never had surgery before ... all the metal and big lights and stuff were kinda scary.  The sweet Nurse had me lie down on this tiny little bed.  She covered me up with two sheets and kept me covered the entire time I was awake so that I wouldn't be cold or feel exposed (ahem ... if you know what I mean).  She then put my thighs in these brace looking things and strapped them down.  Ummmm, awkward.

That is when the anesthesiologist a scary looking - Asian lady in a North Face vest came and put some happy juice into my IV.  As she was juicing me up, the Embryologist introduced himself and let me tell you you've never met someone until you've met them while laying spread eagle on a tiny table in a cold, metal room.  Right then the oxygen mask covers my mouth and next thing I know I wake up to someone yelling my name.  Why is she yelling?!

I lift up my blanket and see that I am wearing my own clothes, sports bra and all.  This doesn't strike me as strange right away ... it was oddly comforting ... but later I did wonder who exactly put my clothes on and a mental image of my unconscious self being dressed like an over-sized drugged up doll is seared into my brain.  I still don't know who put my clothes on me or if I provided them with any legitimate assistance but I may inquire about this one day ... tehe. 

It seemed like right away Casey was there whisking me away in a wheel chair to go home.  The day is pretty hazy but went surprisingly well.  I was so pleased with the treatment and care by the people at Piney Point.  We happily found out the next day that they retrieved 8 count 'em 8 EGGS .... and that 7 of them FERTILIZED!! :D  How exciting!  Now our septuplets are being subjected to several weeks of Genetic Testing, so we are pretty much done for the time being.  Can't wait to find out what the genetic testing shows.  Prayers for 7 healthy, viable embryos are appreciated! :D

Who run the world??

It is absolutely mystifying as to how things happen in this world.  This song ....  totally and completely embodies the Strength of Women that I am always harping on.  2 years ago, after our first miscarriage .... this song came out.  It was around this time that I had begun working out and exercising as a form of stress relief.  My workout routine and music were two things that got me through that very tough time.  This song especially.  I immediately latched onto it when I heard it because it spoke right to the heart of what I was feeling at the time. 

The line, "Strong enough to bear the children/And get back to business".... this one really got me.  It kind of became my mantra for a time.  When I would hear this it would make me feel pride at what I had gone through and had been strong enough to just return to work and everyday life and Survive with a relatively happy face. 

What is absolutely insane is that, this morning, I sit here watching Beyonce's HBO documentary in which she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage two years before her daughter was born.  She reveals that this song "Who Run the World" was one she performed on the Billboard Awards while she was pregnant with that first child ... And no one knew. She lost that baby shortly after.   Of course, I had no idea, but I find it so crazy that that song means something to her with regard to having children/miscarriages/etc.  I know most people listen to this song and hear the foul language, etc and think ... Hmm just a song. 

But the beat of it, the passion the dancers dance with, and the strength of the lyrics capture the raw, passionate, violent heart of a woman.  On the inside we appear gentle, pretty, sweet, demure but on the inside we are vicious fighters, slashing and battling our way through the melee of this World.  We Suffer and come out with scars, but we are Super Human and our scars heal into a tough outer skin that cannot be penetrated except for by the secret kryptonite that not many know ... and that is Love.

I truly feel that Suffering is one of the highest necessities in order to know what is Human.  Before Suffering, we are weak, hyper-sensitive, easily offended.  One would think that suffering would intensify this sensitivity, but I have learned that Suffering is the ONLY thing that can give you reprieve from being easily offended.  Once you have suffered and seen yourself come through, shining and Lovely, then and only then do you have that outer layer that allows the superficial insults of the world to roll off your  back. 

I am so grateful for what I have been through.  For what I have endured.  For what I have learned and for the growth I have seen in myself.  I Love more fully now.  I recognize almost immediately the suffering in others and I am able to put my hand on them, embrace them in a way that I couldn't before.  I am so hopeful that this IVF cycle will work.  But I KNOW beyond the Shadow of a Doubt that I am already a Mother.  That I have held children within me, and that I am placed on this earth to be a Mother.  Whether I am a Mother to my own children that I have carried and given birth to, doesn't matter.  And this has been the greatest lesson of all.  In this world, we have to care for each other, and now I know the Secret.  And that is that I am a Mother to this world as all Women are.  We can kiss each other's wounds, hold each other and be a shoulder to cry on.  If we allow ourselves to just be open, we can give of ourselves to all other People as we would to our Children.  And that is my goal.  To go into the World each day giving of the Love that I now know I have inside me. 

Thank you to the other Women in my life who I feel have shared themselves, their Creativity, their Love and their Compassionate Hearts.  How blessed we are to be female.  Who Run the World?          

IVF Injection Days 6 & 7 ... This egg factory is tired :)

This week has been the crazy week from Hell.  :)  Work has been insane and I've been running around like a hen in a tornado trying not to lay the same egg twice (no pun intended!).  The last two injection days have been fast and furious, and I finally realized it was the medication making me so sleepy.  The last couple of days, the minute my head hits the pillow I am out like a light and sleeping like the dead until about 4am. 

I am pleasantly surprised that the medications have not affected my mood.  But I am starting to feel like I have to huge water balloons in my tummy that are on the verge of bursting!  In the mornings, I find myself tippy-toeing around the house because it actually hurts to walk on my feet.

It's kind of like someone sharpened the top ends of my femurs into little daggers so that everytime I take a step, the little daggers jam themselves up into my ovaries .... kind of like a weird twist on the old "walkin' on egg shells" saying.

Speaking of eggs ... according to Patricia, the nurse, this morning ... I have three eggs on my right side that are about ready to pop.  This is ok because last night I started my second injectionable medication, Citrotide, which prevents me from ovulating.  This way, they can keep administering the medicines so that the other eggs catch up with these 3 monsters that are no doubt, the culprits of the sharpened dagger femurs.  :)

Then early next week we should be on track to take the Ovidrel injection which will cause me to ovulate.  You know those video montages where you see fireworks exploding, volcanos erupting, geysers spewing water into the air, and all kinds of other natural phenomena that represent the forceful explosion of something?  Well, yeah, that's pretty much what it feels like inside the body once Ovidrel takes effect.  Not really looking forward to that.  But at least this time I won't be terrified that I'm becoming paralyzed at 3 am and end up telling Bella (the dog) to "Wake up Daddy and tell him Mommy is dying."

Anywho, hopefully tonight we will have the opportunity to pick back up with the video diary.  Thanks for reading! :)     

IVF Injection Day 5 .... Poor Casey ...

In all seriousness, Casey really does endure a lot behind the scenes of this whole thing.  Most recently, he has endured my hot flashes and wrath when the devil (aka birth control pill) invaded my body and turned me into a woman possessed until I had to beg for exorcism in the way of decreasing my dosage.  Shout out to Connie at Houston Fertility Institute for that by the way! You my girl, Connie! ; ) 

But seriously, Casey has patiently and unfailingly supported me even when my resemblance to the head-spinning, pea soup covered Linda Blair was almost too much to bear. 

So this video is dedicated to Casey.  I am sorry for ripping your head off for leaving your pants on the floor and for making you hug me five seconds later while I cried because I was fat and nobody loved me.  I'm sorry that I made you tell me I was pretty while I looked up at you with tears and snot streaming down my face.  I'm sorry for making you run the air conditioner while it was 45 degrees outside because it is SO HOT IN HERE!!! And most of all .... I'm sorry for giving even the slightest complaint about these injections while I know what pain you suffered in the video below......  *giggle*  xoxo

IVF Injection Day 4 ..... No Time for Romance....

So tonight was an interesting spin on the whole "makin' a baby thang."  Here's the skinny.... Casey and I both have funky schedules.  He works nights, and occasionally, I have to work late ... tonight was one of those nights ....  Our injections have to be done between 7:00pm and 10:00pm.  I get off at 9:00pm with a half-hour drive home.  Casey generally has to be at work my 9:30.  You do the math. 

This presents a problem:   Because of my cursed squeamishness, there is no way on God's Green Earth I am giving myself an injection.  This would only result in the bloodflow to my brain coming to a complete stop, my legs becoming every shade of jello, and probably a concussion and/or broken extremity, so let's call a spade a spade ... I'm a complete wuss.  No question about it, Casey has to be here to give me my shot. 

Thank goodness for understanding Bosses.  Casey's agreed to let him come in a tad late so that he could be home to give me my shot.  So commence the fastest IVF injection E.V.E.R.  ... At the time this video was taken, I had been inside my home a total of 1 minute and 29 seconds ... only long enough to set down my purse...... 

No candles or Barry White tonight ....  Welcome to the In Vitro version of a Quickie.

IVF Injection Day 3 .... Let's Get it On .....

You know ... I've been thinkin' ....  They say not to put a mirror in your bedroom or have pictures of your parents in your bedroom because it is like bringing another person into the relationship ... if you know what I mean.  I think 'they' know what they're talking about because bringing a huge box of medication, some needles and alcohol swabs into the bedroom takes the 'Sexy' right out of making a baby :)  Just sayin'.  A Menage a Trois with good ole' Menopur and Bravelle.  Oh yeah.   

Anyway, this is our attempt at bringing sexy back .... tehe  ... Sing it, Barry!

IVF Injection Day 2 ... This is cake!

Well, by now we are old pros at this injection thing.  I thought I'd take the opportunity tonight to explain exactly what this process will entail. 

1.  Right now we are in Ovarian Stimulation Mode.... basically the meds are making my ovaries go into hyperdrive.  Sound painful?  Not yet.  : /  This will go on for about 10 days or so and we'll go in for regular bloodwork and ultrasounds (about every other day) to measure progress.

2.  Once the Dr. determines my eggs Done! (stick a fork in 'em) ... They will then give us the green light for the HCG shot, Ovidrel.  This triggers ovulation.  We have done this one before with our IUI cycle .... I was awake in the middle of the night that night in horrendous pain trying to get ahold of a 24 hour pharmacy to make sure this was normal ... LOL ... it was.  At least this time we know what to expect.  I ain't skeered ; )

3.  A couple days after the Ovidrel shot, we go in to retrieve my eggs.  Woohoo!  I will be under anesthesia and they'll basically go in with a long needle and pluck the eggs right out of my ovaries! (Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that I will NOT be awake during this). 

4.  Then the exciting part happens .... they will start fertilizing the eggs and let us know how many fertilize... we hope it's bunches .... Because of our history with recurrent miscarriage, they will be doing something a little different with our cycle .....

5.  Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis - They will be testing all of our embryos for chromosomal abnormalities.  If many of them are abnormal, this could give us some insight into why we have been losing pregnancies.  Any news will be better than the big, fat Nothing we've had to go on for the past two years!  :)  If any of the embryos are chromosomally normal and viable, we proceed to Step Six

6.  Embryonic Transfer - We will get to schedule this day and will keep it Top Secret.  This way, if we do end up getting pregnant, we can still have that element of surprise that NORMAL couples get to have when announcing pregnancy.  Not many people have to share the intimate details of  how they conceived their child, so they get to surprise their families with the news that they are expecting.  We feel that it is important to share what we are doing with our families and friends, but still want to be able to surprise everyone when we get good news!! Oh Happy Day!

7.  If in fact, the Dr.'s find that none of our embryos are viable, we will move on to using Donor Eggs.

Either way ... we are WELL on our way to having the children that we love and want so badly.  I hope this post answers some questions about what exactly IVF is and what we are in store for in the next month or so.  We want this blog to serve as a place for information so that we do not feel pressure to answer questions, talk about things during difficult times, etc.  We are so happy that you are reading this.  One of my personal wishes, too, is that this blog might serve the purpose of so many blogs I have read over the course of our fertility challenges.... and that is to encourage and support others in the same situation.  If this is you, please know that you are not alone, that others do understand what you are going through, and that you can and will get through this.  You are STRONGER than you believe, BRAVER that you seem, and SMARTER than you think.

All my love,
Ash 

The Beginning of our New Beginning ... IVF Injection Day 1

So my last post was about our Christmas Cruise.  Another reason we took that cruise was because of our plan to begin our first IVF cycle after the first of the year.  I am so thankful for the peaceful feeling I returned home with as this was a perfect mindset with which to tackle this very trying, stressful, and overwhelming process. 

If I have learned one thing over the course of our fertility struggles (I refuse to use the word 'infertility')  ... If I have learned one thing, it is the importance of laughing at things.  I have always been a rather serious person.  I was always taught to see the beauty in things and to pay attention, so I guess I translated that into thinking I needed to be uber-serious about everything. 

So I'm turning over a new leaf and teaching myself to see the humor in life's trials and tribulations ... and boy is there some humor in this IVF stuff!!

In order to remind myself to laugh my way through this, I told Casey I wanted to make a video diary of our cycle.  We won't bore you with the mundane videos of every second, but I do want to attempt to keep my camera with me and whip it out when something gets funny ... Let's face it there is obviously enough humor in Needles, Sperm, Hormones, and Suppositories to last a lifetime, so I'm gonna give you a little taste of it here by posting my video diary.  Hopefully I can figure out how to do this ...

So here is a video of our first round of injections.  Readers, meet In Vitro Fertilization in all its Glory!  Enjoy!

End of the World and a New Beginning

Most of you may know that Casey and I went on a Christmas Cruise this year to Honduras, Belize and Cozumel.  This cruise was our attempt to make a new Christmas tradition that was happy and fun and something to look forward to after the last two sad, lonely Christmases. 

This cruise turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made.  We met some of the most lovely people, and made memories that will last a lifetime.  Out of all of the places we visited, our most favorite was Belize.  We were in Belize on December 20, 2012 ... The Day Before The End of the World.  We thought this would be a cool opportunity to visit Mayan Ruins, but we had no idea how magical the day would be for us. 

Belize is a beautiful and friendly country with a diverse population of life-loving, simplistic, and appreciative people.  We had the great pleasure of spending the day with an authentic Belizean Mayan, Amalia.  She was our tourguide to the ruins, and shared so many beautiful things about her culture and her country.  I can't really explain the quiet, peaceful, magical feeling I had during my visit to those Mayan Ruins, but I knew immediately it was a special place and had to take something from there. 

After touring the ruins and climbing to the very top, we visited the little shops where some of the locals were selling items.  We were looking at different things when all of a sudden Casey blurts out to the woman at the table, "Do you have a statue of a fertility God?"  My head shot up and I looked at him thinking wtf??  Ha ha .....  The woman didn't even flinch.  She said, "Oh yes, those are over at that other shop."  Then she turns and shouts for Andre!  Andre, a nine year old Belizean boy with the biggest toothy smile you've ever seen comes running over.  She tells him in the local dialect what we need, and he walks right up to me, takes my hand, and says I'm going to take you to get your Ixchel (The Mayan Fertility Goddess).  Yanking my hand, he practically takes off running and before I know it, I am running full speed ahead across the Mayan plaza trying to keep up with this lovely, energetic young boy.  Once we reach the shop he picks up two little statues representing Ixchel.  "These are the only two we have left, which one would you like?"  Ummmmm......  "Well, Andre, which one do you think I should have?"  Of course he picks the most colorful one.  The opposite of the one I would have usually picked, but because this wonderful little angel picked it out, I handed him the ten dollars, thanked him and we were on our way.  Ixchel sits atop our bookcase in all her Mayan glory .... 

This visit sounds somewhat normal; however, I don't know if it was my imagination, my strong desire for change, or superstition, but ever since I left Belize, I have had a sense of peace.  A sense of well-being like something deep inside myself and completely outside of myself telling me that everything is going to be okay.  I have felt lighter, more open, like I have more love in my heart.  I don't know what this means but Belize will always have a place in my heart because of Amalia, Andre, and Ixchel.