My Story

My husband and I married in October 2006.  About 2 years later, after I finished my Master's Degree, we began trying to have a child.  By the end of 2009 we were well aware that this was not going to be an easy journey as we had not yet become pregnant.  We were well aware that everyone around us was aware that we were childless.  The incessant questions and innuendos had begun, and we were beginning to get frustrated but were resolute and determined.  Nearing the end of 2010, we had become desperate.  Not even one pregnancy.  Not even a pregnancy scare! I can remember like yesterday how it felt once the fear set in that we might have to have help getting pregnant.  It was like a dagger through the chest, all oxygen escaping, and feeling completely breathless and deflated.  We were fortunate enough to have a neighbor who had struggled with PCOS and had seen a fertility specialist.  So the topic was not an unfamiliar one.  We made an appointment with her doctor assured that he would be able to help us. 

Our appointment was for after the new year.  I figured we would give it a couple more months, and begin the new year with the doctor if we still were not pregnant.  On December 10th, 2010 we found out we were pregnant.  PREGNANT.  For the first time!  I will never forget that feeling.  My whole body shook with excitement and nervousness, and a cried from the very depth of my soul with relief.  Casey, my husband, was at a friend's house when I snuck into the bathroom to take the pregnancy test.  After it showed positive, I paced around the house for a few minutes unsure of what to do with myself.  My voice shaking, I called him and asked if he could "come home just for one minute."  I think I scared the daylights out of him because he walked through the door practically as soon as he'd hung up the phone.  I don't really remember what happened next or how I told him, but I do remember more vividly than anything that has ever happened to me, the look on his face and the sound that came out of him once I told him. 

If I could have paused time and lived in that moment, re-hearing that sound over and over again, I would have.  The world was right in that moment.  We were floating.  We continued to float for the next couple of weeks until December 23rd.  After a day of Christmas shopping with my Mom, I went home to get ready to visit Casey's parents for Christmas Dinner.  Right before we were to walk out the door, I went to the restroom and my world shattered at my feet.  I was bleeding.  Long story short, we went to the Emergency Room and spent the next couple of days praying that this was not a miscarriage. After Christmas, we were finally able to get in to see my regular OBGYN who confirmed that we had, in fact, lost our precious baby.  I was 7 weeks.

Overcome with hurt, confusion, anger, and fear, I went about my  life.  Went to work, came home, tried to feel normal.  Because we had become pregnant on our own once, we were convinced we could do it again on our own.  So we waited to visit the fertility specialist.  For a whole year nothing happened.  We were back at square one.  So we made an appointment with the specialist again and did an IUI treatment in January 2012.  It was a SUCCESS!!!  Surely, this time it would work.  We had had help, after all.  But when the nurse called with the results of my beta pregnancy test, the hormone levels showed to be very low, and I had already begun to bleed.  We were devastated.  Again.  So we decided to take a break, and enjoy our lives for a bit.  We planned a cruise in July with our dear friends, Charlie and Kristi, and focused on that for the next few months.  When June rolled around, we ended up pregnant again.  We immediately texted and called our friends and family.  I think we both felt that if we told people, I couldn't dare have a miscarriage again!  But after a couple of weeks, this pregnancy, too, ended in a pool of blood and tears.  I had had enough.  I was not putting myself through this anymore.  I was going to retreat from the world and quit trying to become a Mother.  It clearly wasn't for me.  My own body had betrayed me, and the world was against me. 

My husband continued to give his unfaltering support.  He made the decision mine.  He was just as hurt, angry, and devastated, but he never failed to recognize what my body, heart, and mind had been through.  I am thankful for this man every day.  Finally, after undergoing some acupuncture treatments, studying mindfulness techniques, and gearing myself up mentally and emotionally, my husband and I agreed to go ahead and try IVF.  We visited the same fertility specialist and gave him the green light.  We began our IVF journey in January 2013 and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, and BIG baby boy on January 3, 2014.  What a long journey it has been.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  It is part of me now.  An appendage just like an arm or leg.  A vital organ just as essential as my heart.  In fact, it is part of my heart.  I began this blog at the beginning of my infertility journey as a way of coping.  An outlet.  It has become a place of solace and therapy for and for others.  I wish to keep it a safe place.  I share to share the burden and so others can feel a bit lighter.  I hope that it is a place of hope, love, comfort, and peace.  I am just one person.  But my story is the story of millions.