I'm on a Bloat!

Holy Laxative Batman!  2 days after ERD, and I am so happy to have all that behind us.  However,  No One or No Thing prepared me for the amount of bloating that would occur amongst my innards as a result of this procedure.  My God, I may need to ask if they retrieved 7 eggs or placed 7 toddlers inside my abdomen on Tuesday!!  There are a couple of things going on in my poor, exhausted torso at the moment, I think:

1.  Anesthesia - apparently being under general anesthesia makes you constipated.  Well let me just say that this statement is probably the biggest understatement I have heard in my entire lifetime and should really be described is that your Digestive System simply ceases to exist in any form or fashion.  It literally feels like my stomach is the collection pot at Lakewood Church and parishioners are tithing large chunks of food instead of money.  Jesus H. Christ!  I seriously look like I am 6 months pregnant with elephant triplets.

2.  OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) - I'm not sure if I actually have this or maybe a mild form of it that occurs during IVF cycles as a result of the potent medications that are stimulating the ovaries, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph the cramping, bloating, and feeling like someone kicked me right in the Hoo-Ha! (Thanks for that analogy, Samira!).  It hurts to sit.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to turn.  It hurts to pee.

3.  Lethal Combination - All of the Poop, Gas, and Ovary Fluid that is collecting inside of me is roiling together like a hurricane at a Jimmy Buffett concert and not in a good way (Man, I'd kill for a Margarita ... but I digress).  I do not feel like I will ever pass gas again, and boy would I love to.  I swear ... whenever I get the urge, the people around me better watch out because I am letting it rip come Hell or High Water paying no mind to my surroundings.  It boils down to this.  There has been a Fart growing inside of me for the past 3 days that has become an entity all its own.  It probably  has teeth and fingernails.  When this thing decides to make it's debut ... far be it for me to deny it's entrance into the world.  And when the 4 separate laxatives I took yesterday, Prune smoothies, and Flax I have been eating for the past 2 days decide to do their job and trigger the bowels..... Whoa-ho, Buddy you better watch out because me giving birth to these IVF triplets I so hope for will be a romantic stroll on the beach compared to 15 lb turd I am cooking up.  :)

Hope you are reading this over lunch.  TMI?!  I think not.  As I said before, I want this blog to be read as a realistic experience of an IVF cycle... I know that those of you who have been through it are ROTFL right now .... and those of you who haven't think I am exaggerating ... My hope is that those of you who are about to are prepared and see the humor in it .... You are not alone.

Thanks for reading!

Egg Retrieval Day

Okay, it has been awhile since my last post ... Sorry about that but we've been so busy with getting ready from the Egg Retrieval and recovering from it that I haven't had a chance to log on.  Anywho, Egg Retrieval Day was exciting and interesting, and I'm super excited to give you a run-down of it! :D

Egg Retrieval is considered a minor surgical procedure as you are under general anesthesia, so I could not eat or drink anything after midnight the night before.  If you know me, this is a big deal because I absolutely MUST have two things in the morning:

1.  Coffee
2.  Meat

But I guess my adrenaline was pumping and my nerves were heightened enough that the not eating thing didn't bother me too much.  I donned by brand new pj's I bought especially for ERD (Egg Retrieval Day), slipped on some flip flops and we were on our way to Piney Point Surgical Center.

Once we got there everyone took wonderful care of us.  You can tell these people do this daily because they didn't miss a beat, and I never felt uncomfortable or unsure.  I'm pretty sure that Houston Fertility Institute trains their employees to call you "Sweetie" and "Honey" because they all do it, and it makes you feel like your Momma is the one taking care of you.  I love it! :)

When it was our turn, they put me and Casey in our Pre-Op room.  A tiny little room with our own little comfy chair and private bathroom.  I changed into my hospital gown, little bootie shoes, and lunch lady bonnet (my favorite part... so stylish!) and waited for them to come prep me.  It didn't seem like very long at all that they had my IV in and had wrapped a warm sheet around my shoulders to keep me warm on my short walk to the OR.  Only one minor stumbling block when the sweet girl hit a valve in my right hand and had to switch to my left... simple solution:  head between knees for a few seconds.  :)

I'm not gonna lie the OR was a little intimidating as I had never had surgery before ... all the metal and big lights and stuff were kinda scary.  The sweet Nurse had me lie down on this tiny little bed.  She covered me up with two sheets and kept me covered the entire time I was awake so that I wouldn't be cold or feel exposed (ahem ... if you know what I mean).  She then put my thighs in these brace looking things and strapped them down.  Ummmm, awkward.

That is when the anesthesiologist a scary looking - Asian lady in a North Face vest came and put some happy juice into my IV.  As she was juicing me up, the Embryologist introduced himself and let me tell you you've never met someone until you've met them while laying spread eagle on a tiny table in a cold, metal room.  Right then the oxygen mask covers my mouth and next thing I know I wake up to someone yelling my name.  Why is she yelling?!

I lift up my blanket and see that I am wearing my own clothes, sports bra and all.  This doesn't strike me as strange right away ... it was oddly comforting ... but later I did wonder who exactly put my clothes on and a mental image of my unconscious self being dressed like an over-sized drugged up doll is seared into my brain.  I still don't know who put my clothes on me or if I provided them with any legitimate assistance but I may inquire about this one day ... tehe. 

It seemed like right away Casey was there whisking me away in a wheel chair to go home.  The day is pretty hazy but went surprisingly well.  I was so pleased with the treatment and care by the people at Piney Point.  We happily found out the next day that they retrieved 8 count 'em 8 EGGS .... and that 7 of them FERTILIZED!! :D  How exciting!  Now our septuplets are being subjected to several weeks of Genetic Testing, so we are pretty much done for the time being.  Can't wait to find out what the genetic testing shows.  Prayers for 7 healthy, viable embryos are appreciated! :D

Who run the world??

It is absolutely mystifying as to how things happen in this world.  This song ....  totally and completely embodies the Strength of Women that I am always harping on.  2 years ago, after our first miscarriage .... this song came out.  It was around this time that I had begun working out and exercising as a form of stress relief.  My workout routine and music were two things that got me through that very tough time.  This song especially.  I immediately latched onto it when I heard it because it spoke right to the heart of what I was feeling at the time. 

The line, "Strong enough to bear the children/And get back to business".... this one really got me.  It kind of became my mantra for a time.  When I would hear this it would make me feel pride at what I had gone through and had been strong enough to just return to work and everyday life and Survive with a relatively happy face. 

What is absolutely insane is that, this morning, I sit here watching Beyonce's HBO documentary in which she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage two years before her daughter was born.  She reveals that this song "Who Run the World" was one she performed on the Billboard Awards while she was pregnant with that first child ... And no one knew. She lost that baby shortly after.   Of course, I had no idea, but I find it so crazy that that song means something to her with regard to having children/miscarriages/etc.  I know most people listen to this song and hear the foul language, etc and think ... Hmm just a song. 

But the beat of it, the passion the dancers dance with, and the strength of the lyrics capture the raw, passionate, violent heart of a woman.  On the inside we appear gentle, pretty, sweet, demure but on the inside we are vicious fighters, slashing and battling our way through the melee of this World.  We Suffer and come out with scars, but we are Super Human and our scars heal into a tough outer skin that cannot be penetrated except for by the secret kryptonite that not many know ... and that is Love.

I truly feel that Suffering is one of the highest necessities in order to know what is Human.  Before Suffering, we are weak, hyper-sensitive, easily offended.  One would think that suffering would intensify this sensitivity, but I have learned that Suffering is the ONLY thing that can give you reprieve from being easily offended.  Once you have suffered and seen yourself come through, shining and Lovely, then and only then do you have that outer layer that allows the superficial insults of the world to roll off your  back. 

I am so grateful for what I have been through.  For what I have endured.  For what I have learned and for the growth I have seen in myself.  I Love more fully now.  I recognize almost immediately the suffering in others and I am able to put my hand on them, embrace them in a way that I couldn't before.  I am so hopeful that this IVF cycle will work.  But I KNOW beyond the Shadow of a Doubt that I am already a Mother.  That I have held children within me, and that I am placed on this earth to be a Mother.  Whether I am a Mother to my own children that I have carried and given birth to, doesn't matter.  And this has been the greatest lesson of all.  In this world, we have to care for each other, and now I know the Secret.  And that is that I am a Mother to this world as all Women are.  We can kiss each other's wounds, hold each other and be a shoulder to cry on.  If we allow ourselves to just be open, we can give of ourselves to all other People as we would to our Children.  And that is my goal.  To go into the World each day giving of the Love that I now know I have inside me. 

Thank you to the other Women in my life who I feel have shared themselves, their Creativity, their Love and their Compassionate Hearts.  How blessed we are to be female.  Who Run the World?          

IVF Injection Days 6 & 7 ... This egg factory is tired :)

This week has been the crazy week from Hell.  :)  Work has been insane and I've been running around like a hen in a tornado trying not to lay the same egg twice (no pun intended!).  The last two injection days have been fast and furious, and I finally realized it was the medication making me so sleepy.  The last couple of days, the minute my head hits the pillow I am out like a light and sleeping like the dead until about 4am. 

I am pleasantly surprised that the medications have not affected my mood.  But I am starting to feel like I have to huge water balloons in my tummy that are on the verge of bursting!  In the mornings, I find myself tippy-toeing around the house because it actually hurts to walk on my feet.

It's kind of like someone sharpened the top ends of my femurs into little daggers so that everytime I take a step, the little daggers jam themselves up into my ovaries .... kind of like a weird twist on the old "walkin' on egg shells" saying.

Speaking of eggs ... according to Patricia, the nurse, this morning ... I have three eggs on my right side that are about ready to pop.  This is ok because last night I started my second injectionable medication, Citrotide, which prevents me from ovulating.  This way, they can keep administering the medicines so that the other eggs catch up with these 3 monsters that are no doubt, the culprits of the sharpened dagger femurs.  :)

Then early next week we should be on track to take the Ovidrel injection which will cause me to ovulate.  You know those video montages where you see fireworks exploding, volcanos erupting, geysers spewing water into the air, and all kinds of other natural phenomena that represent the forceful explosion of something?  Well, yeah, that's pretty much what it feels like inside the body once Ovidrel takes effect.  Not really looking forward to that.  But at least this time I won't be terrified that I'm becoming paralyzed at 3 am and end up telling Bella (the dog) to "Wake up Daddy and tell him Mommy is dying."

Anywho, hopefully tonight we will have the opportunity to pick back up with the video diary.  Thanks for reading! :)     

IVF Injection Day 5 .... Poor Casey ...

In all seriousness, Casey really does endure a lot behind the scenes of this whole thing.  Most recently, he has endured my hot flashes and wrath when the devil (aka birth control pill) invaded my body and turned me into a woman possessed until I had to beg for exorcism in the way of decreasing my dosage.  Shout out to Connie at Houston Fertility Institute for that by the way! You my girl, Connie! ; ) 

But seriously, Casey has patiently and unfailingly supported me even when my resemblance to the head-spinning, pea soup covered Linda Blair was almost too much to bear. 

So this video is dedicated to Casey.  I am sorry for ripping your head off for leaving your pants on the floor and for making you hug me five seconds later while I cried because I was fat and nobody loved me.  I'm sorry that I made you tell me I was pretty while I looked up at you with tears and snot streaming down my face.  I'm sorry for making you run the air conditioner while it was 45 degrees outside because it is SO HOT IN HERE!!! And most of all .... I'm sorry for giving even the slightest complaint about these injections while I know what pain you suffered in the video below......  *giggle*  xoxo

IVF Injection Day 4 ..... No Time for Romance....

So tonight was an interesting spin on the whole "makin' a baby thang."  Here's the skinny.... Casey and I both have funky schedules.  He works nights, and occasionally, I have to work late ... tonight was one of those nights ....  Our injections have to be done between 7:00pm and 10:00pm.  I get off at 9:00pm with a half-hour drive home.  Casey generally has to be at work my 9:30.  You do the math. 

This presents a problem:   Because of my cursed squeamishness, there is no way on God's Green Earth I am giving myself an injection.  This would only result in the bloodflow to my brain coming to a complete stop, my legs becoming every shade of jello, and probably a concussion and/or broken extremity, so let's call a spade a spade ... I'm a complete wuss.  No question about it, Casey has to be here to give me my shot. 

Thank goodness for understanding Bosses.  Casey's agreed to let him come in a tad late so that he could be home to give me my shot.  So commence the fastest IVF injection E.V.E.R.  ... At the time this video was taken, I had been inside my home a total of 1 minute and 29 seconds ... only long enough to set down my purse...... 

No candles or Barry White tonight ....  Welcome to the In Vitro version of a Quickie.

IVF Injection Day 3 .... Let's Get it On .....

You know ... I've been thinkin' ....  They say not to put a mirror in your bedroom or have pictures of your parents in your bedroom because it is like bringing another person into the relationship ... if you know what I mean.  I think 'they' know what they're talking about because bringing a huge box of medication, some needles and alcohol swabs into the bedroom takes the 'Sexy' right out of making a baby :)  Just sayin'.  A Menage a Trois with good ole' Menopur and Bravelle.  Oh yeah.   

Anyway, this is our attempt at bringing sexy back .... tehe  ... Sing it, Barry!

IVF Injection Day 2 ... This is cake!

Well, by now we are old pros at this injection thing.  I thought I'd take the opportunity tonight to explain exactly what this process will entail. 

1.  Right now we are in Ovarian Stimulation Mode.... basically the meds are making my ovaries go into hyperdrive.  Sound painful?  Not yet.  : /  This will go on for about 10 days or so and we'll go in for regular bloodwork and ultrasounds (about every other day) to measure progress.

2.  Once the Dr. determines my eggs Done! (stick a fork in 'em) ... They will then give us the green light for the HCG shot, Ovidrel.  This triggers ovulation.  We have done this one before with our IUI cycle .... I was awake in the middle of the night that night in horrendous pain trying to get ahold of a 24 hour pharmacy to make sure this was normal ... LOL ... it was.  At least this time we know what to expect.  I ain't skeered ; )

3.  A couple days after the Ovidrel shot, we go in to retrieve my eggs.  Woohoo!  I will be under anesthesia and they'll basically go in with a long needle and pluck the eggs right out of my ovaries! (Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that I will NOT be awake during this). 

4.  Then the exciting part happens .... they will start fertilizing the eggs and let us know how many fertilize... we hope it's bunches .... Because of our history with recurrent miscarriage, they will be doing something a little different with our cycle .....

5.  Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis - They will be testing all of our embryos for chromosomal abnormalities.  If many of them are abnormal, this could give us some insight into why we have been losing pregnancies.  Any news will be better than the big, fat Nothing we've had to go on for the past two years!  :)  If any of the embryos are chromosomally normal and viable, we proceed to Step Six

6.  Embryonic Transfer - We will get to schedule this day and will keep it Top Secret.  This way, if we do end up getting pregnant, we can still have that element of surprise that NORMAL couples get to have when announcing pregnancy.  Not many people have to share the intimate details of  how they conceived their child, so they get to surprise their families with the news that they are expecting.  We feel that it is important to share what we are doing with our families and friends, but still want to be able to surprise everyone when we get good news!! Oh Happy Day!

7.  If in fact, the Dr.'s find that none of our embryos are viable, we will move on to using Donor Eggs.

Either way ... we are WELL on our way to having the children that we love and want so badly.  I hope this post answers some questions about what exactly IVF is and what we are in store for in the next month or so.  We want this blog to serve as a place for information so that we do not feel pressure to answer questions, talk about things during difficult times, etc.  We are so happy that you are reading this.  One of my personal wishes, too, is that this blog might serve the purpose of so many blogs I have read over the course of our fertility challenges.... and that is to encourage and support others in the same situation.  If this is you, please know that you are not alone, that others do understand what you are going through, and that you can and will get through this.  You are STRONGER than you believe, BRAVER that you seem, and SMARTER than you think.

All my love,
Ash 

The Beginning of our New Beginning ... IVF Injection Day 1

So my last post was about our Christmas Cruise.  Another reason we took that cruise was because of our plan to begin our first IVF cycle after the first of the year.  I am so thankful for the peaceful feeling I returned home with as this was a perfect mindset with which to tackle this very trying, stressful, and overwhelming process. 

If I have learned one thing over the course of our fertility struggles (I refuse to use the word 'infertility')  ... If I have learned one thing, it is the importance of laughing at things.  I have always been a rather serious person.  I was always taught to see the beauty in things and to pay attention, so I guess I translated that into thinking I needed to be uber-serious about everything. 

So I'm turning over a new leaf and teaching myself to see the humor in life's trials and tribulations ... and boy is there some humor in this IVF stuff!!

In order to remind myself to laugh my way through this, I told Casey I wanted to make a video diary of our cycle.  We won't bore you with the mundane videos of every second, but I do want to attempt to keep my camera with me and whip it out when something gets funny ... Let's face it there is obviously enough humor in Needles, Sperm, Hormones, and Suppositories to last a lifetime, so I'm gonna give you a little taste of it here by posting my video diary.  Hopefully I can figure out how to do this ...

So here is a video of our first round of injections.  Readers, meet In Vitro Fertilization in all its Glory!  Enjoy!

End of the World and a New Beginning

Most of you may know that Casey and I went on a Christmas Cruise this year to Honduras, Belize and Cozumel.  This cruise was our attempt to make a new Christmas tradition that was happy and fun and something to look forward to after the last two sad, lonely Christmases. 

This cruise turned out to be one of the best decisions we ever made.  We met some of the most lovely people, and made memories that will last a lifetime.  Out of all of the places we visited, our most favorite was Belize.  We were in Belize on December 20, 2012 ... The Day Before The End of the World.  We thought this would be a cool opportunity to visit Mayan Ruins, but we had no idea how magical the day would be for us. 

Belize is a beautiful and friendly country with a diverse population of life-loving, simplistic, and appreciative people.  We had the great pleasure of spending the day with an authentic Belizean Mayan, Amalia.  She was our tourguide to the ruins, and shared so many beautiful things about her culture and her country.  I can't really explain the quiet, peaceful, magical feeling I had during my visit to those Mayan Ruins, but I knew immediately it was a special place and had to take something from there. 

After touring the ruins and climbing to the very top, we visited the little shops where some of the locals were selling items.  We were looking at different things when all of a sudden Casey blurts out to the woman at the table, "Do you have a statue of a fertility God?"  My head shot up and I looked at him thinking wtf??  Ha ha .....  The woman didn't even flinch.  She said, "Oh yes, those are over at that other shop."  Then she turns and shouts for Andre!  Andre, a nine year old Belizean boy with the biggest toothy smile you've ever seen comes running over.  She tells him in the local dialect what we need, and he walks right up to me, takes my hand, and says I'm going to take you to get your Ixchel (The Mayan Fertility Goddess).  Yanking my hand, he practically takes off running and before I know it, I am running full speed ahead across the Mayan plaza trying to keep up with this lovely, energetic young boy.  Once we reach the shop he picks up two little statues representing Ixchel.  "These are the only two we have left, which one would you like?"  Ummmmm......  "Well, Andre, which one do you think I should have?"  Of course he picks the most colorful one.  The opposite of the one I would have usually picked, but because this wonderful little angel picked it out, I handed him the ten dollars, thanked him and we were on our way.  Ixchel sits atop our bookcase in all her Mayan glory .... 

This visit sounds somewhat normal; however, I don't know if it was my imagination, my strong desire for change, or superstition, but ever since I left Belize, I have had a sense of peace.  A sense of well-being like something deep inside myself and completely outside of myself telling me that everything is going to be okay.  I have felt lighter, more open, like I have more love in my heart.  I don't know what this means but Belize will always have a place in my heart because of Amalia, Andre, and Ixchel.