RESOLVE to Give Voice: My Story

Some of you may have followed my blog for awhile, while some of you are new. I'm taking a moment today to share my story for those of you who are new to the blog and have come here seeking comfort, advice, or a perspective from someone who truly understands your situation.  In honor of RESOLVE's efforts to raise awareness about infertility in October, it is perfect timing to reflect back on the last 5 years or so and tell my story from a different perspective.

I say 5 years, I guess it really started back in about 2008 although it didn't really become super difficult emotionally until around the end of 2009 when we really started wondering if something was wrong. We just weren't getting pregnant! That was the worst of times. We had been married for almost 3 years, and people started asking the dreaded question, "When are ya'll gonna have babies?!" Just like that. No sugar coating it. I, to this day, do not understand why people ask, so openly, such a personal question. But alas, people are complicated creatures.

Finally, we broke down and sought the help of a fertility specialist. Between our initial consultation with him and our first appointment to begin treatment, a miracle happened! We became pregnant on our own. That was December 2010. December. My favorite month. My favorite time of year. A month for children. It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

On December 23rd, after a day of Christmas Shopping with my Mom, I began to bleed. Being naïve, thinking there was something that could be done, Casey and I rushed to the ER. I remember the drive there and taking deep breath after deep breath to try to consciously calm my body. It amazes me, looking back, how I instinctively knew what I needed to do and how I needed to do it in order to prevent my body from panicking. I didn't know it. But I was already a Mother. I always had been. If only I could have convinced myself of that over the course of the next 3 years. That night in the ER, we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the very first time. For a split second, it felt like a Christmas Miracle what we were seeing on that screen. The baby's heart was beating. It was fine. We were fine. I was sent home to rest and "see what happens." Over the course of the next 48 hours the bleeding and cramping worsened, and when I finally got in to see my Dr. the Monday following Christmas, the baby was gone. No heartbeat this time. Just a blank screen. He gave me Misoprostol to take to induce uterine contractions to "clean out" my uterus. I am thankful that no D&C was necessary, but will never forget the act of putting that tiny pill into my mouth. All the while, I was thinking, hoping, that there had been some mistake. And here I was taking a pill that could kill my baby. I stood in the shower and cried, and realized that I had to commit my first heartbreaking act of Motherhood and Just Let Go. I was devastated. And changed. Forever.

Over the course of the next three years, I suffered 2 more confirmed miscarriages (one that resulted from a fertility treatment), and I believe an additional one based on how my body felt, but there was never a confirmed pregnancy with that one. It was also in December, so who knows, I could have just been feeling echoes of my lost angel the December before. Those 3 years, I was at my lowest and, surprisingly, my highest moments in life. The lowest were low. I was angry. I hated every child and every pregnant woman. I isolated myself from friends and family to protect myself from any triggers or prying questions. I attacked people who didn't deserve it.

The high moments, though, those are the moments that I choose to focus on. During those 3 years, I grew more as a person, a human being, than I ever imagined possible. I learned about myself - that I was strong, resilient, kind, compassionate. That I chose my reaction to my situation and chose what I would do with it. I chose to help other people. I began talking openly about our struggles (maybe too openly at times). I wanted people to know that I was strong. And I was shocked by the number of people who opened up to me after I had told my story. I made lasting relationships with others as we bonded over our suffering. Suffering, I learned, is the ONE thing that makes us human and the ONE thing that glues us all together - if we choose to let it. That is when I started letting people - friends and family, enjoyment - laughter and happiness, and love - in my marriage and for all people, back into my life. Going into our IVF cycle in January of 2013, I was at my highest. I felt good about life and good about myself. I knew I was a Mother. A mother to all other people on Earth - just as every woman is because we are all born with love in our hearts. It is that love that causes us to Suffer and to Hurt, but it is also the one tool we have that can bring us out of the depths of despair.

Our IVF treatment worked. We were some of the lucky ones (I had many friends who weathered 3, 4, 5 cycles of IVF). We cautiously enjoyed our pregnancy and now call ourselves the blessed parents of a 9 month old (today!) little boy, Silas. He is forcing us to continue to grow as people and to change the way we identify ourselves from an infertile couple to parents. (That is a whole other blog post).

Being able to tell our story has been our saving grace. Looking beyond our own situation and seeing our suffering for what it was - a GIFT. A gift that allowed us to begin to look beyond ourselves and reach out to others in pain. It is my goal to continue to do this. To be a source of positive momentum in someone's life. People already have Hope inside them, even if they can't feel it from time to time, so I want to be a reminder of that everlasting Hope when they are hurting too badly to find it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Love yourself and love others. And you will be okay.

A Word of Hope for a Friend in Need

Although I wrote this to a specific friend, in writing it, I couldn't help but feel that it was directed at everyone I know who is suffering. Getting word from this friend today that she suffered an unsuccessful fertility treatment, starting her period one day before her blood test (life can be so cruel), I was immediately taken back to the times Casey and I suffered such a blow as hers and the devastation, hopelessness, and complete and utter sorrow that was all-consuming. I sent her this message but wanted to share it here as well. To anyone suffering from Infertility and feeling desperate, hopeless, and sad: I hope my words can be of some slight comfort to you. My heart is with you ....



I want you to know that my heart is with your heart right now. I can feel the devastation and hopelessness that you are feeling and wish beyond words that I could, in some small way, lessen the burden.



I know, because I have been in your shoes, that there is nothing anyone can say to you today that will make you feel better or less sad. And it is unfair to try to make you feel less sad. Feeling sad and crying is the most natural way to find relief from your pain, so cry all you need to. Please know that even though you are where you are and I am where I am, I am feeling your pain along with you. And I hope you can feel that in sharing your story and your pain with me, that your load is a little lighter.



You are a sweet, kind, caring and loving person, and I know the universe has beautiful things in store for you. It is part of being human to not be able to understand why things happen. I know you ask yourself why almost on a daily basis. I hope you find some answer to your question. When I was suffering miscarriage after miscarriage and having month after month with no results, there were people in my life who hoped for me because I felt like I had no hope left.



I want you to know that I am one of those people who will never ever lose hope for you. So even when you feel like you can't keep going and like you have nothing else to give. I'll be here to Hope for you and to lift you up and help carry you through this. I will cry with you, laugh with you, and celebrate with you WHEN the day comes. Our hearts are one in the same, love.



Take good care of yourself today and in the coming days. Do kind things for yourself.



Lots of love to you. I am always here.

Long time no see .....

My goodness, it's been awhile since I've updated! I know some have been wondering and asking me to update.  There has just been so much going on that I haven't even known where to begin.

First off, I should say that Silas Daniel Schmidt was born on January 3rd, 2014 weighing 8 lbs 6 oz.  We feel so extremely blessed to have him here, and he is already changing our lives so much!

Studio Ainsley Photography

I really don't even know how to begin to write this post.  There is so much to say and very little of it can be captured in words.  It is absolutely unimaginable that the fear we lived with for 5 years that we would never have a child is gone.  We don't have to be afraid of that anymore.  Sometimes when I look at Silas I can't believe he is mine.  I look at him and it feels like he is someone else's child that I am borrowing.  My heart won't even let me fully feel that he is mine.  I think if it did it would just shatter into a million tiny pieces.  The reality of it is too much to come all at once.  It is coming little by little, and I think I am a little grateful for that because it has the potential to break me.

Silas's birth was completely surreal and still feels like a blur.  The one thing that remains clear from that day was the moment the Dr. gave him to me and we looked at each other for the first time.  This runs the risk of sounding like the most cliche statement of all time, but it is completely true.  When that child looked at me and I looked at him, his eyes were so very clear and focused.  It was like he looked right into the depth of my soul and recognized all that I was feeling.  I have always said that right when babies are born, it seems like they hold so much wisdom and know things that we, adults, have yet to learn.  I think we are born knowing the answers to those existential questions, and as we grow, we forget.  I saw those answers in his eyes, and it felt, just for a moment, like he was sent here to care for me rather than me for him.

The reason I am sharing this is because in my heart, I hold dear strangers and friends who I know are still suffering from infertility and my goal for this blog is still to give comfort and hope them.  While we were still trying to get pregnant, I comforted myself by thinking that our child was just still trying to find us.  And when I first saw Silas, I knew this was true.  He knew me.  And it seemed that he always had.  The satisfied look on his little face told me, "I finally found you.  And you me."

I never in my wildest dreams thought that when we started on our painful journey through infertility that we would have a chance to meet so many amazing people because of our struggles.  We have been blessed with so many friends, new and old, simply because of infertility.  We have formed bonds and relationships with complete strangers, and we have become closer to existing friends only because we shared similar desires, pain, and fears.  How can something that allows you to get to know people on a deep level and form lasting friendships, be a bad thing?  Even though the pain, sometimes, seems unbearable ... so many good things have come our of our struggle and I am so grateful for it.  Sometimes you just have no choice but to find the silver lining, and Casey and I were fortunate enough to find several silver linings!  If you are reading this, chances are you are one of them.  If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, please know that we share your pain and in sharing pain, the burden becomes just a tiny bit lighter.  If you are reading this and were a family member or friend who supported us through our journey to have Silas, please accept our absolute deepest thanks.  We can't even begin to use words to thank you.  That kind of thanks can only be spoken from one heart to another.

I want to continue this blog, but I do not want it to turn into a "parenting blog."  Although, I am relishing my time as a Mommy to Silas .... my purpose for this space is to uplift and support people who have and are feeling the familiar pain of wanting a baby.  I want this to be a place of solace and hope for them.  So that is what it will remain.  I will, of course, keep you updated on Silas, but my purpose will be provide hope and support.  To the couples I know currently still on their infertility journey, may your journey be blessed with understanding, patience, comfort and love from those around you.  You have it from me.... I hope you can feel it.

Mindfulness at Panera .....

Okay, so I know this blog is supposed to be about my journey through fertility challenges and pregnancy; however,  a lot of what I discuss on this blog has to do with Mindfulness.  Throughout my journey and challenges, I began to read a lot about Mindfulness as a practice for easing stress, simplifying life, recognizing the mind-body connection, and healing one's self through mindful thinking and awareness. 

I try to practice mindfulness in every aspect of my life and sometimes it is more difficult than others.  But I think the most important place to take a mindful approach is when dealing with others.  We've all seen the quote that says, "Be Kind; Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I try to live by this.  Of course, we all have our moments, but I witnessed something today while grabbing dinner at Panera Bread that really made me want to shout this quote from the rooftops. 

I am standing in line behind a middle aged, Caucasian man who is placing his order with the young girl behind the counter.  I notice that he is speaking to her in a very loud and very condescending way.  The only word I can use to describe him based on the way he was treating her is "bully."  When he was finished placing his order, I moved up in line and proceeded to place mine.  I then stood near him as we both waited for our to-go orders to be filled.  As they called his number, he became aggressive with the young man helping him who handed him his food and began berating the poor girl again who had apparently entered his order incorrectly.  He said loudly (too loudly for the restaurant atmosphere), "I don't think she knows what she is doing." 

I wanted so badly to tell him that the way he treated her and his assumption that she didn't know what she was doing led to a self-fulfilling prophecy of her getting his order wrong.  Did he stop to think that the way he spoke to her may have made her so on-edge and nervous that she was unable to concentrate on entering the order correctly?  She entered mine perfectly fine after I spoke with her in a calm and considerate tone.  As I stood behind him, listening to him berate the staff, who for young people, reacted professionally and courteously might I add, I wanted to tell him that "Perhaps if we stop antagonizing the staff, they will be able to straighten the order out and we can be on our way."  It bothered me that this bully would speak to these young people this way who had done nothing but make an honest mistake.  Had the bullying gone any further, I probably would have stood up for them and spoken up to the man.  Fortunately for all of his, he stopped speaking and resorted to stomping and sighing around, pitching a fit like a 5 year old child would if someone took away his birthday. 

I left the restaurant giving the girl an encouraging *wink* and thanking her again for her help.  As I got in my car still mulling over this grown man's behavior, it HIT me.  "Be Kind; Everyone is fighting a hard battle."  Although, I would have liked to thump this man over the head with my soft, warm baguette for acting ridiculously, I have to be mindful and ask myself.... "I wonder what his battle is that makes him behave this way."  This is difficult to do.  But it is the mindful way.  I will, of course, never have an answer ... but it does help to think of him from this perspective and offer him compassion instead of the knuckle-sandwich I was considering.  Maybe he is just a bully, but someone or something made him that way.  So I'll end with this .... my attempt at mindfulness when someone just really ticks me off .... an Old Southern expression that says so much by saying so little .... Bless His Heart. 

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

Good Monday Morning, Folks!

With the arrival of Fall (my favorite time of year) comes the arrival of the THIRD TRIMESTER!!  How is it possible that only months ago, we had no idea if we were ever going to have children, and now we find ourselves nearing the END of this pregnancy!

Here is me and Silas at 27 weeks .... That red thing used to be a dress. :)

It is beyond belief for both of us, I think.

Casey has been hard at work on Silas's room.  He has ripped our carpet, stained the concrete floor, painted, and put up that wainscoting all on his own.  He doesn't know it, but I noticed a difference in the way he handled this project differently than any other home improvement project we've done.  He took painstaking time and effort to perfect this room.  It was so sweet to watch.  And he's done a wonderful job!  I can't believe we actually got to start on a nursery this time much less finish it and put a CRIB in there.  The sight of a crib, ready and waiting, at OUR house is beyond words.  We are so thankful for that sight.  Last night Casey told me, "Let's go in the baby room."  I said, "Ok" even though I had no idea what we'd do in there.  So we just stood there and looked around.  It was a moment.  It feels like Silas was always meant to be here.  To me, it doesn't feel like the arrival of a new person ... it feels more like the return of someone who was always supposed to be here and who we've missed so much!  I know he'll fit right into our family.

Here's a sneak peek of his room:

His room is such a peaceful place, and I hope he thinks so too.  A good friend, Kristi Scott, is working on some things for the room. and we cannot wait to see what her creative mind has come up with.  She has been such a supportive friend throughout our ordeal, and it'll mean so much to one day tell Silas his "Aunt Kristi" decorated his room. :)  

This week, we have two friends who had an INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL egg retrieval and are now looking forward to another attempt at a transfer.  We are praying for them and their success!  I have another friend who is just beginning her Fertility Journey.  As I look back at ours and know the feelings they are feeling right now, I am sending them love directly from my heart and praying not that they have strength because they already do ... but that they RECOGNIZE the strength that they do have and go forward bravely, peacefully, and confident in the blessing it is to be female and have the ability to endure considerable pain while smiling their beautiful smiles to the world.  Somewhere our there.... those babies' souls are peacefully watching you and waiting for just the right time to take their rightful place in your families.  I'm thinking of you every day.  

I recently made a Lullaby Station on my Pandora so that I can put headphones on my tummy for Silas to hear.  One of my favorite songs that plays on there is "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.  It speaks to the purpose of this blog post:  Bravery, Fear, Doubt, Relief, and the arrival of the One who was always meant to be there for you to love.  Please enjoy! 

 

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Sandman ..... relating Graphic Novel Superheroes to Fertility

Okay, so most of you know that I am a librarian.  A lot of my job is purchasing materials for the library.  In a nutshell, each month we get a massive list of books to be published, and our job is to read reviews of these items, take into consideration our patrons and community, and make educated decisions about what we should add to our collection based on our budget.  So there is this genre of books called Graphic Novels that I am totally uneducated about.  Many of my coworkers read them and are extremely informed about them, but I am not.  So.... I decided to try my hand at the genre and test one out.  I asked for recommendations, and the The Sandman by Neil Gaiman won out by a landslide.

 At first glance, I was skeptical.  This book looks like a comic book with Monsters and Superheroes ..... not up my alley at all.  But I was committed, so I journeyed on.  Only a few pages into the book, I was sucked in by the story.  Once I realized that the main character was the personification of Dreams, I began to understand that there was real literary substance to this sparsely worded work.

I'M GETTING TO MY POINT, I PROMISE ......

In one part of the story Dream journeys to Hell.  In Hell, he must fight a demon for his helmet.  The fight consists of a shapeshifting contest in which one fighter's shape beats out the other's.  For example, the demon first turns into a Wolf.  Dream turns into a hunter who then kills the wolf and so on.  Nearing the end of the fight, the demon turns into Anti-Life thinking he has won the contest.  I mean, think about it.  Anti-Life is just the opposite of all things living, so how could anything beat that??  After a long pregnant pause, Dream comes out with simply, "I AM HOPE."  Brilliant!

This struck me right away as being perfectly suited to the contents of this blog.  I have constantly written about Hope and how it always returns no matter how desperate you are.  Nothing can kill Hope.  It lives despite us.  DREAM WINS!! :)  As if I weren't amazed enough at the depth of content I was reading in this seemingly shallow work (pft!).... the story goes on.  After Dream wins by becoming the unkillable and undestroyable Hope, the Devil tries to keep Dream in Hell by surrounding him with thousands of demons.  The Devil says, "What power do Dreams have in Hell?"  You think about it and say to yourself .... true.  Then Dream pipes up with another BRILLIANT observation, "What power does Hell have without Dreams?"  GENIUS!!!

So here's the point of this long rambling blog entry.  Dream is right.  Hell only has power over us because of the Dreams we have for ourselves.  We dream about growing up and getting married and having children and living happily ever after.  When one part of our dream does not come to fruition we create our own little version of Hell in which we dwell on the fact that our Dreams haven't come true.  I am by no means saying you should give up your Dreams; the exact opposite actually.  I am asking you to be aware that the very existence of that deep down, passionate, desire that you feel to your very core is what is making you feel pain at the moment.  So you must ask yourself this .....  what is more important:  to feel the pain of the living being who Wishes, Hopes, Desires, and Dreams... or to give up Hope and Dreams just to avoid pain?  I think you will agree that the Hopeless, Dreamless person may as well be dead.  Our Dreams are what light us!  We have all seen the bitter person who is angry at life and has no Dreams left.  Their light has gone out, and it is written all over them.  It is an effort to keep Dreaming when you are frustrated and disappointed.  But it is your choice.  Those who are lifeless have chosen to forgo the mild pain of not having something they dream of in favor of the numbness associated with no longer Dreaming at all.  The fact that you are feeling pain simply means that your spirit is alive and well and doing what spirits do:  Unconsciously invoking that which makes up the very light in us.  Keep dreaming and let the light that is you take your power back from the hell you are in.  Once you do that, your pain may remain but it's power over you eventually melts away and is assuaged by the Light of your Dreams.

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

A Short Stranger .....

I have been holding onto this fortune that I received in a fortune cookie about two years ago at the peak of our fertility struggles.  At the time, I didn't know it would take as long as it did, but the message was loud and clear.  The fortune has been hanging on our refrigerator all this time serving as a reminder to keep up Hope.  My Oh My, we didn't know the blessings that this short stranger would bring!

Last night, we finally got to reveal the gender to the Grandparents.  So now, we get to share the news with you!  Here I am between 19 and 20 weeks gearing up for our anatomy scan to check our baby's health and find out if it is a boy or girl.....

The morning of the anatomy scan was a stressful one for me.  Seeing our little baby's body parts all miraculously growing and developing was a bit much for me to handle, so I cried through the whole u/s.  What an emotional time!  Finally it was time to know what he/she is!  Like I mentioned in my last post, Bella had the big responsibility of unveiling the baby's gender.  She was so excited!  So without further ado ....... Bella would like to share the news with you too!!!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so exciting to hear this news!  Casey is beside himself at having a little buddy on the way!  I am hoping he does not want to be a Police Man when he grows up because I will just worry.  : /  He has already blessed our lives in so many ways.  We had a plan to take pictures of the Grandparents' reactions so we can remember the moment forever.  The looks on their faces were just the beginning of blessings that this Little Boy will bring us.  We would like to share those with you as well.  Here are the reactions of Pops, Gabby, Mimi, and Pop Pop.  Enjoy!  And thank you for reading!!!

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash