First off, I should say that Silas Daniel Schmidt was born on January 3rd, 2014 weighing 8 lbs 6 oz. We feel so extremely blessed to have him here, and he is already changing our lives so much!
I really don't even know how to begin to write this post. There is so much to say and very little of it can be captured in words. It is absolutely unimaginable that the fear we lived with for 5 years that we would never have a child is gone. We don't have to be afraid of that anymore. Sometimes when I look at Silas I can't believe he is mine. I look at him and it feels like he is someone else's child that I am borrowing. My heart won't even let me fully feel that he is mine. I think if it did it would just shatter into a million tiny pieces. The reality of it is too much to come all at once. It is coming little by little, and I think I am a little grateful for that because it has the potential to break me.
Silas's birth was completely surreal and still feels like a blur. The one thing that remains clear from that day was the moment the Dr. gave him to me and we looked at each other for the first time. This runs the risk of sounding like the most cliche statement of all time, but it is completely true. When that child looked at me and I looked at him, his eyes were so very clear and focused. It was like he looked right into the depth of my soul and recognized all that I was feeling. I have always said that right when babies are born, it seems like they hold so much wisdom and know things that we, adults, have yet to learn. I think we are born knowing the answers to those existential questions, and as we grow, we forget. I saw those answers in his eyes, and it felt, just for a moment, like he was sent here to care for me rather than me for him.
The reason I am sharing this is because in my heart, I hold dear strangers and friends who I know are still suffering from infertility and my goal for this blog is still to give comfort and hope them. While we were still trying to get pregnant, I comforted myself by thinking that our child was just still trying to find us. And when I first saw Silas, I knew this was true. He knew me. And it seemed that he always had. The satisfied look on his little face told me, "I finally found you. And you me."
I never in my wildest dreams thought that when we started on our painful journey through infertility that we would have a chance to meet so many amazing people because of our struggles. We have been blessed with so many friends, new and old, simply because of infertility. We have formed bonds and relationships with complete strangers, and we have become closer to existing friends only because we shared similar desires, pain, and fears. How can something that allows you to get to know people on a deep level and form lasting friendships, be a bad thing? Even though the pain, sometimes, seems unbearable ... so many good things have come our of our struggle and I am so grateful for it. Sometimes you just have no choice but to find the silver lining, and Casey and I were fortunate enough to find several silver linings! If you are reading this, chances are you are one of them. If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, please know that we share your pain and in sharing pain, the burden becomes just a tiny bit lighter. If you are reading this and were a family member or friend who supported us through our journey to have Silas, please accept our absolute deepest thanks. We can't even begin to use words to thank you. That kind of thanks can only be spoken from one heart to another.
I want to continue this blog, but I do not want it to turn into a "parenting blog." Although, I am relishing my time as a Mommy to Silas .... my purpose for this space is to uplift and support people who have and are feeling the familiar pain of wanting a baby. I want this to be a place of solace and hope for them. So that is what it will remain. I will, of course, keep you updated on Silas, but my purpose will be provide hope and support. To the couples I know currently still on their infertility journey, may your journey be blessed with understanding, patience, comfort and love from those around you. You have it from me.... I hope you can feel it.
