It's not the end ....

I'm feeling very pensive today and wanted to sit down and have a cup of coffee with you. I didn't really know what to say and sometimes when I'm lacking inspiration (or just feeling super emotional), I get on the Quotes page on Pinterest and start reading stuff. So that's what I did.

I came across this graphic, and it made me start thinking about endings. So many times throughout our fertility journey, I said things to myself like, "I'll never get pregnant," "Another miscarriage, I give up," "That's it, I can't do this anymore," and the worst "We should just get a divorce so Casey can have children with someone else." I also said, "I'll be happy when this is over."

It makes me so sad to think back to those days and remember how I felt like every single failed cycle was The End. I wish I had seen this quote back then, but even if I had, it probably would not have helped (not much anyway).

If only I had been able to really believe in those desperate moments that everything would be okay and those events that I was seeing as "endings" were only, in fact, stepping stones to the real ending of our fertility struggle. I thought, at least. What I realize now, though, is that getting pregnant wasn't the end. Pregnancy brought about it's own set of stresses and difficulty, parenthood has done the same. As we continue our journey to expand our family, I have no doubt that we will face similar and different difficulties and failures. What I know now though, is that any difficulty we face means we are still living because to live is to suffer. Perfection does not exist and there will always be something to cope with. The sooner we accept our place in life, the better off we will be. For my whole life, I've strived for perfection. It is exhausting. I remember the moment during our fertility struggle that I finally just let go. For the first time in my life, I let go, and decided to just Let Life. I decided to just live my life take me with it wherever I was supposed to go. It is a comfort knowing that if I am still living, the opportunity for things to change, improve, or turnaround still exists. Life is not an effort to make everything be okay... instead it is just a journey to everything being okay. Just okay. And that is okay.