We are officially about 11 weeks pregnant with one little tiny Creature!!
A lot has happened since I last posted, so I apologize for being so late. This will serve as the official "Social Media Announcement." Casey and I do not want to post any announcement on Facebook. We know better than anyone how it feels to open up your page in the morning to see 1,547 baby announcements and be, well, less than thrilled. Not many people know about this blog, so I figured I was safe here. My main concern still remains protecting the feelings of those I love that are struggling with fertility (remember: I DO NOT SAY "Infertility").
So we found out in late April that the IVF had worked and all of the $$, shots, tears, sweet, and blood were worth it. Of course, we were cautious (and still are) and just focused on resting and remaining calm. I tried to remind myself that the only thing I had control over was how I felt and reacted every single day. I set my intention to live with Gratitude. So each day (several times) I thank God for one more day/minute with our little Creature. I know that whatever happens is out of my hands. I am doing the things I can, but I am trying to remain humble and know that God knows what is in our hearts: the desire to see this little one born and kiss it's little face. I have to trust that it is God's plan to have that dream come to life. Each time an inkling of fear creeps in, I just stop for a moment and say, "Thank you God for this moment with my little Creature." And then I go about my day. Worrying is not going to make anything happen that is not supposed to.
We saw/heard the baby's heartbeat the first time on the morning of my Papaw's funeral. He passed away about 2 or 3 days after we found out we were pregnant. I miss him. He was such a huge part of my childhood. He taught me so much and gave me so many opportunities. I didn't verbally get to tell him that I was expecting, but I think I told him with my heart just before he passed. I think he understood. It was a bittersweet moment the minute we walked into the Doctor's office dressed for his funeral to see and hear the baby's little heartbeat, but I'm thankful for that morning. To touch the beginning and end of life at the same time is a special experience, and I have to recognize the meaning in it. We have no control over life. God or Allah or Yahweh or the Universe is in control, and we are loved from beginning to end whenever those two milestones come.
Recently I watched the musical, Les Miserables, and one of the songs in that film touched me to the very core. It puts into beautiful music and words how I feel about this little life growing inside me, but more importantly, it puts into words the Hope that exists even when you think it doesn't. Our struggle the past 4 years has been a roller coaster and there have been times when I felt that all Hope had died. But I always surprised myself at feeling hopeful when a new cycle started. So many times I beat myself up for feeling Hopeful because I was afraid of being disappointed or devastated again. The thing I am most grateful for is that I was able to teach myself that Hope will never die because it is as innate in us are Love and Fear. And being afraid of disappointment will get us nowhere. What a wonderful feeling to Open your Heart and just Hope when you can hope. Fear when you need to fear. And Love always. My heart breaks for everyone on this earth who has or is going through a struggle to have a child. Casey and I still have a long road ahead, but I am forcing myself to have an Open and Hopeful Heart until I have a reason not to. This song says, "How was I to know that so much Hope was held inside me? What is past is gone ... Now we Journey on ..." And that will be my mantra so that I do not miss one moment or take for granted a millisecond of this Creature's life. I hope this song gives you Hope for whatever it is you long for. And don't be afraid to cry .... I do. Everytime. <3
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