Well, it's been a long time since I've last posted. The reason is that we finally got good news!!! We found out we were pregnant on December 2, 2010. The sheer relief and joy we felt was indescribable. I'll never forget telling Casey that we were pregnant, the happiness on his face and the sound that escaped his throat as he cried with relief into my neck. We had finally done it!!!
Only three very short weeks later we lost our baby ... only 2 days before Christmas. The loss is infinite.
For four days we held out hope that our sweet baby was hanging on. We got to see it's incredible heartbeat twice! The first time was on Christmas Eve, and we felt so lucky that we got that magical moment on such a magical night. We had hope and only hope that we could hang on to our little one and boy did we try. But on Monday, the day we turned 7 weeks, as I stood in the shower talking to God, trying to make him a deal, I realized that it was just time to let go. My first lesson in parenthood, I suppose.
Our wonderful friends and family continue to remind us that this was God's way of taking the baby, now, from a life that may have been less than ideal. I don't know what our sweet angel would have been like had he or she been born. Had it been born it wouldn't have mattered to me. It would have been so loved. However, I have to have faith that God knew what He was doing when he took our baby.
I can't begin to describe the sadness and emptiness I feel at times. Although there was never the noisy pitter patter of little feet in our home, the house feels quieter, emptier now. There's a stillness that I can't quite place. There's that lingering question of what our baby would have looked like? Would it have been a girl or boy? What would it have become?
I see pictures of ultrasounds, and I feel cheated because on the day we were first supposed to see our baby and take home it's picture to show our families and friends, we found out the baby was gone. A picture was printed out, but we didn't get one because it was just of an empty womb. Why couldn't we have just one picture of that incredible little flicker? Why couldn't our baby grow to be as big as the ones in other peoples' ultrasounds? Why didn't we get the opportunity to feel our baby grow strong and kick it's tiny legs.
We hope that one day we will. We feel sure that God could not deny us that very special feeling of seeing and feeling our baby grow inside my belly. We feel sure that while children are born every day into cruel environments to parents who don't love and cherish them to way they should, God could not deny us the chance to love and cherish our very own sweet baby. For these reasons, we hope. And Hope alone, is all we have this Christmas. That and knowing that our baby became an Angel to watch over us during a very special time of year. Probably not a year will close without us remembering that beautiful little flicker and the joy it brought to our hearts, if only for a moment.
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