I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym. I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout. So I'm trying. And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)
16 Weeks
The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions," is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks. This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me. Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy. I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through. Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!
So here is my message: To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant. When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through. You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal. You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal. You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal. And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal. What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings. However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy. They have GUILT. Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings. It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this. And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard. She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now." (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home. I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times). Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.
So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT. There is a big difference. Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive. Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.
On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:
18 Weeks
And thanks to everyone who is reading. I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!" And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh. Those are my only goals in life. So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart. xo
Love,
Ash
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