I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak. I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman. Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors. She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved.
I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written. I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out.
Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year. It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it. Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores. As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same. Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly. I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does. At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year.
Then the infertility began. Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts. We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with. It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!" My heart ached for our unborn child and for him.
Then our first miscarriage happened.
It happened on Christmas.
That was in 2010. The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't celebrate. I didn't decorate. I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event.
That being said. It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years. That, in itself, is a miracle to me. That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time.
People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER, for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect. And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time."
So back to the book. Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing. The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc. But the narrator still feels that something is missing. At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you! And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home. For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree."
It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree. I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree. Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it). I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life. We have Christmas back, and we have Silas. That is all we need.
:)
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