Just when I start feeling like a woman again, I go to the dr...... And Bam! I feel less than female again after being told that at 27 years old my FSH levels are elevated to 10. Of course, the doctor gives me no direction and I leave feeling alone, sad, and hopeless.
Being a child of the Information Age, the first thing I do is run to my computer and start googling "Elevated FSH" only to be informed that my situation is way less than ideal. Why I punish myself by reading the depressing crap on the Internet, I'll never know, but I do .... and suffer the consequences.
I have to admit, I'm pretty scared right now. I am tired of people telling me "It will happen" and "Just relax." It is impossible to do so when you feel that your entire natural and biological reason for existing is a moot point.
What really irks me is having to see the most incompetent, unloving, unstable, horrible people have child after child and know that I cannot even have ONE! NOT ONE! I cannot help but ask why?? And I don't want to hear that all too familiar "God's Will" bull.
So I made an appointment with a fertility doctor. And we shall see ... but I'm really just feeling deflated. Completely isolated and deflated and sad. All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry. Why do things have to be so hard? And why does one little bit of bad news feel like the end of the world?
Maybe I shouldn't just jump to such negative conclusions, but on days like today ... hopeless days.... it's just too hard to stay positive.
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