In my attempt to not become a bitter human being ....

What a rollercoaster ride this thing is.

Having completed all recommended testing for women in the area of infertility, or recurrent pregnancy loss, as my case seems to have morphed into, we have come to the conclusion that there is no conclusion.  Most people would rejoice in the fact that they are completely and utterly healthy without any medicinal indication that there is something wrong.  But I am not.  Hearing, "All of your results look great! You are healthy as can be!" is probably the biggest let down I have ever heard.  All is well except that it isn't. 

I feel as though I am approaching a crossroads.  I am not quite there yet, but I know I will have to make a decision soon.  I just keep hoping that I will get a miraculous or divine answer to it all.  Some very clear and distinct message in the sky that says, "Ashley! This is exactly what you need to do."  People keep telling me to have hope or keep the faith, but that is the only thing I am hoping for.  Someone to tell me what to do. 

This has completed a transition from hoping and wanting to get pregnant to acknowledging and accept that quite possibly I won't but I do not feel settled in that place.  I have never before truly questioned what my purpose on this earth is until now.  Of course, we all think about that, and I've always thought our purpose was not something we needed to know.  Hypocritically, now, I feel that not only do I need to know but that my purpose is to figure it out.  If I'm not here to bear and raise my own children in my image instilling in them all of the things I have placed aside to tell and teach them throughout my 29 years ... then what am I to do with all of that experience?  Is it going to die alongside me?  Do I go out into the world and share it with others both willing and unwilling?

Perhaps the bigger question is, was I put here to adopt someone else's child?  Am I strong enough to do that and face all the challenges that come with it?  Am I willing to accept that challenge?  Doing so is, perhaps, an even greater commitment that having your own child.  You are, of course, expected to accept that child and raise it lovingly, but deciding to take in someone else's child; accepting them and their past; accepting that you may have to share their experiences with another parent or parents; accepting that one day you will have to discuss your decision with them or the decision of their parent to give them away; accepting that one day your child might look you in the eye and tell you they hate you and that you're not even their real mom; accepting that you will have known that would happen and understand their pain enough to love them through it. Am I strong enough for that?  Was I chosen for that?  I know this is an option, and that gives me some peace. 

At the beginning I struggled with thinking I wasn't qualified to mother my own child .... I am now struggling with wondering whether I am qualified to mother someone else's?  How far I have come.