Today would have been the first birthday of our little one who died Christmas of 2010. I have been such a roller coaster of a person the last few weeks. The last few days, however, I have felt good. Peaceful, calm. I expected the same today. Last night, I laid in bed and couldn't sleep. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular... I just felt fitful. I felt anxious and upset for a reason I couldn't explain. When I woke up this morning, I calmed myself and told myself I would be calm and peaceful today too. Casey and I have dinner plans to go to Galveston after work. I was happy about that and vaguely aware that we would be at the ocean which is where we said goodbye to our little one last year on this day....
Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy but while getting ready for work, it just felt like nothing went right ... I spilled my coffee, I dropped everything I picked up, I feel like I look an utter mess. I jumped down Casey's throat for no reason whatsoever .... I screamed at people on the way to work. Just not a pleasant morning whatsoever. Now that I am at work, the tears just started pouring out. I'm sitting here in disbelief b/c I can't believe I am this upset today. Not after feeling happy and calm like I did yesterday.
When I was going to acupuncture, Chris talked to me about 'echoes.' Specifically, last year during November and December, I was feeling so incredibly down and sad and couldn't really explain it. It felt like something beyond my control. He told me that the smells in the air, the sounds, the sights, everything about that time of year was causing me to feel an echo of what I felt the year before when we lost the baby. I thought, well duh. BUT ... today feels like an echo. It would be easy to say that the smells, sights, and sounds of Christmas would bring up old feelings, but there is nothing special about August 15th ... nothing besides what day it is.... and today, I feel like my emotions are out of my control. Like I will feel this way whether I want to or not.
I feel so bitter as I sit here at work and people come in to say Good Morning. I want to ask them, "Is it?" I don't feel like talking and barely respond when they talk to me. I'm sure they think, "Oh she's in one of her moods again." I'm sure they just see me as moody. No one has any idea what today is or what it means to me. I wish this day was just another day for me too. How is it that women all over the world do this? Probably everyday some woman wakes up and feels overcome by sadness because her child was supposed to be born that day. Casey tells me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. I just need this day to be over. I miss my little baby and I still see it's heartbeat when I close my eyes. I wish today was a happy one instead of a sad one. I wish I was planning a birthday party instead of mouring a death. All I can do is hope and pray that I get through this day and that tomorrow I can have hope of planning a birthday party in the future. Please, please God .... I just want to plan a birthday party.
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