Some updated Pics .....

Well, it's busy-season at work!

Last week was a doozy, so I didn't manage to update the blog like I had hoped.

Here are some updated belly pics for those of you who are wondering .....

25 weeks:

Me and Silas @ 26 weeks preparing for our evening walk (don't mind the hair and lack of makeup!) 

"Um, Casey, I think my t-shirt shrunk!!"  

The Spirit of Christmas ....

I am so completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion right now that I cannot even speak.  I just checked out a children's book called The Spirit of Christmas by Nancy Tillman.  Tillman is one of my favorite children's authors.  She writes such BEAUTIFUL books for children with the sole purpose of making them feel loved. 




I started looking around for books I want to add to Silas's collection, and looked into all of the ones she had written.  I found this Christmas one, and thought I'd check it out. 

Let me start off by saying that Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year.  It always makes me emotional because of the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings associated with it.  Several years ago, walking through the mall at Christmastime, there was a men's acapella group singing in one of the department stores.  As I stood next to my Mom listening to them sing Christmas carols, I looked around at all the people who had stopped to do the same.  Some were singing along, some were just swaying with the rhythm while others just stood quietly.  I was OVERCOME by emotion at how Christmas brings people together in a way that nothing else does.  At that moment, all was peaceful and we were all joined in the common purpose of celebrating the beautiful time of year. 

Then the infertility began.  Christmas after Christmas we watched people shower their children with gifts.  We watched children see and hear the sights and sounds of Christmas and longed for our own child to share Christmas memories with.  It was absolutely heart-wrenching the year I watched Casey untangle our Christmas lights in pure anger because "this whole damn holiday is about a Child being born!"  My heart ached for our unborn child and for him. 

Then our first miscarriage happened. 

It happened on Christmas. 

That was in 2010.  The following Christmas was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I had ever felt, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I didn't celebrate.  I didn't decorate.  I was completely bitter and jaded about the entire event. 

That being said.  It is not lost on either me or Casey that Silas is due to be born at this very time of year that has been so incredibly difficult for us over the past five years.  That, in itself, is a miracle to me.  That is the universe righting all the wrong that has been done and healing the deep, deep wounds that we have been nursing all this time. 

People have plenty to say about his birthday being celebrated at Christmas and how difficult that will be, and I'm sure it will present it's set of challenges; HOWEVER,  for Casey and I ... the timing could not be more perfect.  And we will tell Silas this until he gets mad at us for telling him "one more time." 

So back to the book.  Tillman's book, The Spirit of Christmas, is about the narrator who is speaking to the Spirit of Christmas and telling it that something just feels missing.  The Spirit of Christmas tries to fill the void with carols, gifts, trees, decorations, snow, etc.  But the narrator still feels that something is missing.  At the very end of the book she says (talking to her child), "And that's when I got it. That's when I knew! That thing that was missing from Christmas was you!  And so then, my darling, wherever you roam, may you always be safe ... may you always come home.  For as long as the world still spins and still hums, wherever you are, and no matter what comes, the best part of Christmas will always be... you beneath my Christmas tree." 

It ends with a picture of a little boy in his pajamas standing wide-armed in front of a beautiful Christmas tree.  I will ALWAYS treasure the sight of Silas in front of a Christmas tree.  Christmas, with him, will be so utterly magical, and I will do my best to let him know that (although, there is no way he could possibly fathom it).  I know it is September, but we already have everything we could ever want for all the Christmases of our life.  We have Christmas back, and we have Silas.  That is all we need. 

The Sandman ..... relating Graphic Novel Superheroes to Fertility

Okay, so most of you know that I am a librarian.  A lot of my job is purchasing materials for the library.  In a nutshell, each month we get a massive list of books to be published, and our job is to read reviews of these items, take into consideration our patrons and community, and make educated decisions about what we should add to our collection based on our budget.  So there is this genre of books called Graphic Novels that I am totally uneducated about.  Many of my coworkers read them and are extremely informed about them, but I am not.  So.... I decided to try my hand at the genre and test one out.  I asked for recommendations, and the The Sandman by Neil Gaiman won out by a landslide.

 At first glance, I was skeptical.  This book looks like a comic book with Monsters and Superheroes ..... not up my alley at all.  But I was committed, so I journeyed on.  Only a few pages into the book, I was sucked in by the story.  Once I realized that the main character was the personification of Dreams, I began to understand that there was real literary substance to this sparsely worded work.

I'M GETTING TO MY POINT, I PROMISE ......

In one part of the story Dream journeys to Hell.  In Hell, he must fight a demon for his helmet.  The fight consists of a shapeshifting contest in which one fighter's shape beats out the other's.  For example, the demon first turns into a Wolf.  Dream turns into a hunter who then kills the wolf and so on.  Nearing the end of the fight, the demon turns into Anti-Life thinking he has won the contest.  I mean, think about it.  Anti-Life is just the opposite of all things living, so how could anything beat that??  After a long pregnant pause, Dream comes out with simply, "I AM HOPE."  Brilliant!

This struck me right away as being perfectly suited to the contents of this blog.  I have constantly written about Hope and how it always returns no matter how desperate you are.  Nothing can kill Hope.  It lives despite us.  DREAM WINS!! :)  As if I weren't amazed enough at the depth of content I was reading in this seemingly shallow work (pft!).... the story goes on.  After Dream wins by becoming the unkillable and undestroyable Hope, the Devil tries to keep Dream in Hell by surrounding him with thousands of demons.  The Devil says, "What power do Dreams have in Hell?"  You think about it and say to yourself .... true.  Then Dream pipes up with another BRILLIANT observation, "What power does Hell have without Dreams?"  GENIUS!!!

So here's the point of this long rambling blog entry.  Dream is right.  Hell only has power over us because of the Dreams we have for ourselves.  We dream about growing up and getting married and having children and living happily ever after.  When one part of our dream does not come to fruition we create our own little version of Hell in which we dwell on the fact that our Dreams haven't come true.  I am by no means saying you should give up your Dreams; the exact opposite actually.  I am asking you to be aware that the very existence of that deep down, passionate, desire that you feel to your very core is what is making you feel pain at the moment.  So you must ask yourself this .....  what is more important:  to feel the pain of the living being who Wishes, Hopes, Desires, and Dreams... or to give up Hope and Dreams just to avoid pain?  I think you will agree that the Hopeless, Dreamless person may as well be dead.  Our Dreams are what light us!  We have all seen the bitter person who is angry at life and has no Dreams left.  Their light has gone out, and it is written all over them.  It is an effort to keep Dreaming when you are frustrated and disappointed.  But it is your choice.  Those who are lifeless have chosen to forgo the mild pain of not having something they dream of in favor of the numbness associated with no longer Dreaming at all.  The fact that you are feeling pain simply means that your spirit is alive and well and doing what spirits do:  Unconsciously invoking that which makes up the very light in us.  Keep dreaming and let the light that is you take your power back from the hell you are in.  Once you do that, your pain may remain but it's power over you eventually melts away and is assuaged by the Light of your Dreams.

The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

A Short Stranger .....

I have been holding onto this fortune that I received in a fortune cookie about two years ago at the peak of our fertility struggles.  At the time, I didn't know it would take as long as it did, but the message was loud and clear.  The fortune has been hanging on our refrigerator all this time serving as a reminder to keep up Hope.  My Oh My, we didn't know the blessings that this short stranger would bring!

Last night, we finally got to reveal the gender to the Grandparents.  So now, we get to share the news with you!  Here I am between 19 and 20 weeks gearing up for our anatomy scan to check our baby's health and find out if it is a boy or girl.....

The morning of the anatomy scan was a stressful one for me.  Seeing our little baby's body parts all miraculously growing and developing was a bit much for me to handle, so I cried through the whole u/s.  What an emotional time!  Finally it was time to know what he/she is!  Like I mentioned in my last post, Bella had the big responsibility of unveiling the baby's gender.  She was so excited!  So without further ado ....... Bella would like to share the news with you too!!!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so exciting to hear this news!  Casey is beside himself at having a little buddy on the way!  I am hoping he does not want to be a Police Man when he grows up because I will just worry.  : /  He has already blessed our lives in so many ways.  We had a plan to take pictures of the Grandparents' reactions so we can remember the moment forever.  The looks on their faces were just the beginning of blessings that this Little Boy will bring us.  We would like to share those with you as well.  Here are the reactions of Pops, Gabby, Mimi, and Pop Pop.  Enjoy!  And thank you for reading!!!

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash