The Fight .....

Here is me and Silas at 21 Weeks.  We've decided to name the little one Silas Daniel Schmidt (Daniel after my dad).

I started to write this blog post this morning and wasn't quite sure which direction to take.  As I fiddled around with words and ideas my Pandora switched on to Eli Young Band's song: The Fight.  I'll link to it at the end of this post.  As I woke up this morning thankful that Silas is safe inside, I am also mindful of a few losses friends of ours has suffered in recent weeks.  We have a friend who lost her Dad, another who lost her baby, and of course there are innumerable people who are suffering various losses in the world.  It makes me consider the question I asked myself so many times while struggling to get pregnant, "What makes blessings come to some while others suffer loss?  Why the unfairness and seeming lack of sense?"

Right before we started this IVF cycle, I heard this song for the first time, and it struck me immediately.  It was motivational because it spoke directly to all the money we'd spent, tears we'd shed, and effort we'd put into our fight.  I had asked myself so many times if it would ever pay off?  What is the point?  Should we just give up?  Each time I hear this song, especially now looking back, I know that it was always worth The Fight.  I know all too well that at certain times nothing can take the pain away.  I won't even try.

But while I was in my darkest of depths, some little thing would come up that would light just the smallest flicker to keep me going.  I hope this song can be a flicker for someone out there the way it was for me.  It is ever-present in my mind that joy cannot exist without suffering.  That suffering exists is the most unfortunate and fortunate of things.  Nothing in this world is cut and dry.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  But Hope is always there no matter how small.  I'm here to remind you of that.  Eli Young Band says it best when they say,

Hope, it can make you courageous
it started out small, but now it's contagious.
Strength, it's an honor you earn
when you look back and see all the lessons you've learned.   

Hope and Strength go hand in hand.  Some of the strongest people I know have no idea they are strong.  I wish somehow I can make them see in themselves what I see in them.  I know that will take time.  So for now, all I can wish to be is that small bit of Hope that is contagious ... and pray they catch it. 

A Short Stranger .....

I have been holding onto this fortune that I received in a fortune cookie about two years ago at the peak of our fertility struggles.  At the time, I didn't know it would take as long as it did, but the message was loud and clear.  The fortune has been hanging on our refrigerator all this time serving as a reminder to keep up Hope.  My Oh My, we didn't know the blessings that this short stranger would bring!

Last night, we finally got to reveal the gender to the Grandparents.  So now, we get to share the news with you!  Here I am between 19 and 20 weeks gearing up for our anatomy scan to check our baby's health and find out if it is a boy or girl.....

The morning of the anatomy scan was a stressful one for me.  Seeing our little baby's body parts all miraculously growing and developing was a bit much for me to handle, so I cried through the whole u/s.  What an emotional time!  Finally it was time to know what he/she is!  Like I mentioned in my last post, Bella had the big responsibility of unveiling the baby's gender.  She was so excited!  So without further ado ....... Bella would like to share the news with you too!!!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was so exciting to hear this news!  Casey is beside himself at having a little buddy on the way!  I am hoping he does not want to be a Police Man when he grows up because I will just worry.  : /  He has already blessed our lives in so many ways.  We had a plan to take pictures of the Grandparents' reactions so we can remember the moment forever.  The looks on their faces were just the beginning of blessings that this Little Boy will bring us.  We would like to share those with you as well.  Here are the reactions of Pops, Gabby, Mimi, and Pop Pop.  Enjoy!  And thank you for reading!!!

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

Bella's secret .....

Today is Friday.  The next time I step into my office at work, I will know what this child is!  It is so hard to believe that after all this time, the baby is not only still thriving but for the first time EVER we will get to know the gender of our little one!!!!!  We are so incredibly excited!!

In figuring out how we are going to tell our families, we weighed all of the options that are out there.  I scoured Pinterest for ideas.  But all of them seemed so overdone, and so ..... not us.

This is Bella.

Bella is our first child.  Bella sat with me through the first miscarriage.  The whole week I was on the couch, she sat next to me, comforted me, licked my tears, and rested her head on my belly.  Now that I am pregnant.  She sniffs my belly and lays her head on there as if she knows her little brother or sister is inside.  She is the sweetest, smartest dog ever and she is an integral part of our home.

So who better to announce the baby's gender than its Big Sister, Bella.  So here is the game-plan.  We find out what the baby is on Monday, August 12th.  Casey works nights but is off on Wednesday, so our plan is to have Bella 'announce' the gender to our parents when they come to our house for dinner Wednesday night.  Sooooo, "On Monday August 12th, Bella will have a secret.  What do you think?  Will her handkerchief be BLUE or will it be PINK?"  Place your votes, folks!  And after Wednesday evening, once our parents know, we will let you all know if you are right!  Thanks for reading.....

Weeks 16 to 18 .... Flurry of emotions .....

I've had several requests to update this blog, so I apologize for being lazy.  For awhile there I was doing good to make it through my workday and stumble onto the couch just in time to fall asleep. But lately my energy has picked up, thank goodness!

I haven't been too good about taking weekly belly pics religiously, but every now and then I remember to have Casey take one .... Here is me at 16 weeks headed out the door to the gym.  I sure do miss my intense workouts and my relationship with Jillian Michaels has been suffering, but it does feel good even to do a small workout.  So I'm trying.  And I'll keep trying until I just can't anymore.... hopefully that time won't come! :)

  16 Weeks

The title of this post, "A Flurry of Emotions,"  is dedicated to the roller coaster that has been my feelings during the past several weeks.  This is important for me to write for all of those women suffering from fertility challenges because this came as a surprise for me.  Throughout our attempts to get pregnant (and subsequent loss), I always told myself that I would not ever, ever complain about pregnancy.  I would enjoy every single minute and be grateful because of what we had gone through.  Now that I am pregnant, I have faced a new challenge that I didn't expect, and I had to come to the full realization, with the help of my sweet Mommy, that I AM PREGNANT, and that means  A LOT OF WEIRD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO MY MIND AND BODY!   

So here is my message:  To anyone struggling or who has struggled to get pregnant.  When you finally do become pregnant (AND YOU WILL), you can and will go through the same fears, changes, uncertainties, and emotions that any normal pregnant woman goes through.  You will doubt your ability as a mother - that is normal.  You will not always LOVE the way your body is changing - that is normal.  You will have raging hormones that make you despise the sight of your loving husband - that is normal.  And you may even speak the words, "I hate being pregnant!" in a hormone induced meltdown - that is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY normal.  What I have found is that when I speak to woman who have had children, they have all experienced these feelings.  However, women who have faced fertility challenges have an added layer of CRAP (for lack of a better term) that makes them feel even worse about this roller coaster ride that is pregnancy.  They have GUILT.  Guilt because they remember the struggle, and they want so badly to be grateful that it is over, so they feel guilty for having normal pregnancy feelings.  It took me a few weeks to come to terms with this.  And after an hour of sitting in the car in the Ulta parking lot on a Saturday morning, while my Mom patiently listened to me sob uncontrollably, she spoke the greatest words of wisdom I had ever heard.  She said, "I think you are punishing yourself for being pregnant now."  (Thank you Mommy). That really hit home.  I know so many people still struggling, and I identify so closely with the struggle of fertility that I was having a hard time accepting pregnancy and all that came with it (including being not so thrilled with how I was feeling at times).  Identifying with the fertility struggle was keeping me from allowing myself to feel like a pregnant person - whatever that may entail.  

So, in a nutshell, if you are struggling with fertility, once you reach that longed-for goal of pregnancy, please allow yourself to be PREGNANT at that point rather than an INFERTILE HAS-BEEN WHO IS NOW PREGNANT.  There is a big difference.  Allowing yourself to feel pregnant, even if what that really means is nauseous, fat, scared, sad, irritable, happy, grateful, excited, and pissed off at the same time, is the gift to yourself that you deserve to give and receive.  Ride that flurry of emotions that you are feeling because that is part of being pregnant and you deserve to feel NORMAL after all you have been through.  

On that note, here is my emotional, fat, scared, uncertain, happy, grateful, excited, sad, ecstatic self at 18 weeks:  

18 Weeks

And thanks to everyone who is reading.  I am surprised at the number of people who tell me "Update your blog!"  And I continue to hope that it helps people and makes people laugh.  Those are my only goals in life.  So thank you ... from the bottom of my (excessively palpitating) heart.  xo  

Love,
Ash

A Happy Day .....

Above is a photo of the framed quote we have hanging on the wall in our dining room.  I like it there because I pass by it many times a day, and it serves as a reminder.

Well, today is my 30th birthday.  If you had asked me, in my early twenties, how I would feel about turning 30, I probably would have grimaced and said, "I'm never turning 30!"  However, the last few years have brought about so much change in my outlook on Life in general, and My Life specifically that I have to say turning 30 right now is just another symbolic representation of the tides turning.  I am so happy to be 30 and leave behind the person I was in my 20's.  Not that I didn't like that person, but I am happy to be older, wiser, more compassionate, more thoughtful.

This morning so many people have wished me a Happy Birthday, but what should really be happening is that I should be thanking each and every one of them for being in my life.  Every person I have known and know has taught me something.  Each and every one of YOU has made me want to be a better person.  Today I am humbled by the fullness of my heart and am completely aware of the blessings in my life.  I couldn't ask for better friends and family.  I love you all from the very depth of my being, and I hope I can at least show you an inkling of that through our lifetime together.

That being said and thanks being given.  I am so thankful to God and the Universe (and Houston Fertility Institute) for giving me the tiny Creature thriving inside.

Here is what 13 weeks and 3 days looks like:

12 weeks - "Hope is the thing with feathers.... "

Hello all!

Well, we finally reached the 12 week marker.  I can say that it has been smoother and easier than I expected.  Somewhere within, we've found the ability to calmly take each day, and I'm thankful that the fear and anxiety isn't present always like I thought it would be.  We are finally getting to enjoy our pregnancy, and bond with our little one!

Today was our last visit to our fertility clinic.  It was an emotional visit for sure.  We got to see our little Creature looking like a baby, finally!  It has a little pot-belly and likes to roll around.  It is still measuring long so it looks like I'll have a tall tiny-dancer on my hands!  I will welcome it with open arms. <3

Here's the Tiny-Dancer at 12 weeks 4 days measuring in at 13 weeks!

So we are officially off all medications... No more shots, patches, or pills except for vitamins!! I can begin to feel like a normal person again .... Well a normal person with another person growing inside of me. Tehe .... what a concept!  I can't even wrap my mind around it. :)

We've begun taking belly pics since my belly is rapidly expanding and poking out pretty good at this point.  We have decided to take them against the wall on which I have hung a frame with a quote from Emily Dickinson, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul... "....  I hung this picture during our fertility challenges to remind me that although Hope is fleeting and fragile like a bird, it always returns.  I thought this was the perfect place to take our belly shots.... So here is our first one.  This is me at 12 weeks 3 days.  Although this is somewhat the, "Is she pregnant or just fat stage?"  I have decided to embrace the bump pregnant-looking or not!  See you all next time! xo

12 Weeks 3 Days -

Suddenly .....

The votes are in AND ................................

We are officially about 11 weeks pregnant with one little tiny Creature!!

A lot has happened since I last posted, so I apologize for being so late.  This will serve as the official "Social Media Announcement."  Casey and I do not want to post any announcement on Facebook.  We know better than anyone how it feels to open up your page in the morning to see 1,547 baby announcements and be, well, less than thrilled.  Not many people know about this blog, so I figured I was safe here.  My main concern still remains protecting the feelings of those I love that are struggling with fertility (remember: I DO NOT SAY "Infertility").

So we found out in late April that the IVF had worked and all of the $$, shots, tears, sweet, and blood were worth it.  Of course, we were cautious (and still are) and just focused on resting and remaining calm.  I tried to remind myself that the only thing I had control over was how I felt and reacted every single day.  I set my intention to live with Gratitude.  So each day (several times) I thank God for one more day/minute with our little Creature.  I know that whatever happens is out of my hands.  I am doing the things I can, but I am trying to remain humble and know that God knows what is in our hearts: the desire to see this little one born and kiss it's little face.  I have to trust that it is God's plan to have that dream come to life.  Each time an inkling of fear creeps in, I just stop for a moment and say, "Thank you God for this moment with my little Creature."  And then I go about my day.  Worrying is not going to make anything happen that is not supposed to.

We saw/heard the baby's heartbeat the first time on the morning of my Papaw's funeral.  He passed away about 2 or 3 days after we found out we were pregnant.  I miss him.  He was such a huge part of my childhood.  He taught me so much and gave me so many opportunities.  I didn't verbally get to tell him that I was expecting, but I think I told him with my heart just before he passed.  I think he understood.  It was a bittersweet moment the minute we walked into the Doctor's office dressed for his funeral to see and hear the baby's little heartbeat, but I'm thankful for that morning.  To touch the beginning and end of life at the same time is a special experience, and I have to recognize the meaning in it.  We have no control over life.  God or Allah or Yahweh or the Universe is in control, and we are loved from beginning to end whenever those two milestones come.

Recently I watched the musical, Les Miserables, and one of the songs in that film touched me to the very core.  It puts into beautiful music and words how I feel about this little life growing inside me, but more importantly, it puts into words the Hope that exists even when you think it doesn't.  Our struggle the past 4 years has been a roller coaster and there have been times when I felt that all Hope had died.  But I always surprised myself at feeling hopeful when a new cycle started.  So many times I beat myself up for feeling Hopeful because I was afraid of being disappointed or devastated again.  The thing I am most grateful for is that I was able to teach myself that Hope will never die because it is as innate in us are Love and Fear.  And being afraid of disappointment will get us nowhere.  What a wonderful feeling to Open your Heart and just Hope when you can hope.  Fear when you need to fear.  And Love always.  My heart breaks for everyone on this earth who has or is going through a struggle to have a child.  Casey and I still have a long road ahead, but I am forcing myself to have an Open and Hopeful Heart until I have a reason not to.  This song says, "How was I to know that so much Hope was held inside me? What is past is gone ... Now we Journey on ..." And that will be my mantra so that I do not miss one moment or take for granted a millisecond of this Creature's life.  I hope this song gives you Hope for whatever it is you long for.  And don't be afraid to cry .... I do.  Everytime.  <3